Here are a few Pictures taken during the hike up Dog Mountain. Close to the top the wind hit 30+ miles an hour and the skies turned dark forcing us to take shelter in Dead Man Walking Pub and Brewery in Stevens, Wa. What an awesome way to spend the day with Darla and the Kids. May you enjoy. These are also posted on Flickr with my other Pics.
Twenty five years ago I entered the elite group of men who could call themselves fathers and participate in the celebration of fathers day. That year I had a 2 month old little boy and my world was changing. I felt the weight of responsibility, the fear of molding someone's life, and the privilege of having someone look at you who was completely dependant on you for their physical, emotional and spiritual well being. I would experience those feeling three more times as I continued to perfect the art of becoming a father (yep, that means sex). Through the years I saw my kids fall backwards off slides, break arms and wrists, encounter police, experiment with all kinds of things. I watched them do well in school and fail in school, become awesome in sports and then quit, perform in front of all kinds of people and then move on to the next thing. I was never sure if I was doing it wrong or doing it right, and for the most part I still don’t. Being a dad does not come with a very good instruction manual. More than anything it is about believing in, encouraging, loving, and letting your kids figure it out. Early on you hold their hand, then you act as a safety net, soon you become their cheerleader and councilor, and finally you sit back and watch.
This morning I sat back and watched as the boys, 25, 21, and almost 18, made me breakfast and are cleaning the kitchen. I read an email from my little 23 year old daughter who is somewhere in Europe living her dream. It is fathers day and each of my kids is trying to let me know they appreciate me. Kind of cool. Soon they will be taking me on a killer hike – literally I think their goal is to try to cause pain. They have picked a hike that will allow me to take pictures, visit a pub when finished, and enjoy time with them. They know exactly what I like and have figured out how to incorporate itl. Look out Oregon Gorge we are coming your way. So after 25 years of this Father job, i must have done an ok job if they still like hanging with me. This despite my being moody at times, lost in my job, and trying to figure my own life out along the way. For all of you dads out there, I hope you have kids that love you like mine love me. This is a Happy Fathers Day. Pictures to follow
How come sometimes life feels so shitty? A conversation goes badly, a relationship turns sour, a project falls apart, or it rains on your parade. Why is it that so often expectations aren’t met, joy is not found, fun is not had. The Lakers won this week, my financials exceeded budget, its fathers day, but I still feel like life sucks at the moment. Things are just hard, they aren’t going as it seems they should, just feels heavy and dark. Its almost summer but the season hasn’t changed. Maybe that’s it. I play the lottery from time to time but haven”t won. Could that be the reason. I work on relationships but feel unfulfilled. Maybe thats the answer. Who knows, I just feel a bit messed up at the moment.
How do you navigate when it feels like two people want different things. How do you choose a destination when two travelers what different places. How does it work when everyone wants to lead and no one wants to follow. Work can be tough, friends can be hard, family can be frustrating. I once heard it said that the world would run very smoothly if you removed all the people. My life would run smooth if I didn’t have to deal with relationships. I always feel I am in the wrong, that I don’t do it right, that I am a half step behind, like I don’t get it. Loving isn’t enough any more, the rules are constantly changing, and people have become anchors instead of sails.
I don’t feel this way all of the time, not even most of the time. But I am feeling this way today. I know it passes so I am not looking for answers or perspective. I just need to vent. Vent to know one and everyone at the same time. I need to have a voice and know that it might be heard, that it might connect with someone at some level.
Tomorrow I truly expect the sun to shine, the birds to sing, my girl to smile, and life to feel somehow right. But for the moment, it is gray skies with the chance for rain.
Every so often I get an email or Facebook message asking me to share how my Blackberry has made my life better or easier. Sometimes a friend asks. I usually talk about how I am able to stay connected to friends and family where ever I am. I talk about being more productive at work as I can respond to email and calls at all times. After I give these standard answers I always walk away thinking, “Do I really want to get emails and phone calls 24/7? Is my life better because I can immediately get my Tweets or Facebook updates.” Yes I enjoy going online to find out what movies are playing nearby. Every once in a while I check to see which gas station nearby has the cheapest gas. Its always nice to call and ask if we need more milk or eggs. But, my life really has not been enriched by my Blackberry until……….
Last Tuesday I found myself in an awkward situation. Nat feeling well I rushed upstairs to the bathroom to take my place on the Royal Porcelain Throne. Picking up a book I passed the time until I finished my chore. Upon completion I went to grab some toilet paper and to my horror found none available. I’ll admit I panicked a little. My mind immediately started thinking of solutions to my problem, none of which I felt like trying. Stuck I looked over and spied my Blackberry. I immediately broadcast an SOS message to those downstairs requesting that a roll of emergency TP be thrown into the room. I waited unsure if anyone had received my text for help. As the minutes passed I found myself becoming more and more desperate. I considered dialing for help but knew that my kids respond more quickly to an SMS than having to open their mouths and talk. As I pondered my next move, the bathroom door cracked open and in rolled a roll of TP. At that moment I knew that I could never be without my Blackberry. Not because of its GPS capability, or its Push technology. I need my Blackberry to spare me from those most embarrassing situations in life. I will never leave home without my BB, ever.
Every one in a while I have a day where I need to get away. Away from work, away from home, away, away, away. Yesterday was one of those days. Over the last few weeks there has been a number of things that have come my way. Issues regarding budgets and labor, 
quality, etc…. Issues at home regarding kids and marriage. My feeling taken advantage of or that I don’t do things right, wondering what life should really look and feel like at 47 years old. S
ome times getting away is the only thing that helps put things straight, or at least makes things a little clearer.
The place to escape is my car. The windows go down, the music goes on, and the wheels start carrying me away. Sometimes they take me fast, sometimes far and yesterday they took me to the coast. So as I drove I would stop, take a few pictures then drive 
some more. I would eat at favorite stops along the way. I climbed sand dunes, I waited for trains, I found a bird house maker, and 
I watched the sunset. And in between, while I drove, I would think and let my mind slowly try to see things in a slightly different way, much like the pictures I am trying to take. I didn’t solve anything, marriage isn’t easier, kids aren’t better behaved, and my job didn’t get fixed miraculously. But I feel a little better after getting away, and have a few cool pictures to show for it. So maybe you can get away by looking at the pictures. Enjoy, I sure did.
What a contrast the day after is to the day of. I move slower, I feel more mellow, there is kind of a let down from the excitement. It is true of big games, weddings, vacations, birthdays, and parties. The day of is all the nervous energy, the getting ready, the excitement, and the waiting. The day after is the moving slow, reflecting on the time, the clean up, and the trying to conjure up enough energy to get on with the next task. Gray’s party was no different. Will people come, do we have enough food (and beer), is the video of his life ready to go, is the house clean? The day after, where did all the bottles come from, why do we use dishes, what will we do with all this food, did people have a good time, who is sleeping in Katee’s room – cause Katee is in France?
This morning at 9:30am I am finally waking up. The cob webs are thick. My stomach has the day after eating a lot of , or drinking a lot of sugar, blues. Down stairs I can hear Evan doing dishes, Surf is being feed, and it is time to go assess the damage. Yep it started pouring rain sometime during the night, we forgot to bring in the wood chairs, and a small table. The counters are full of bowls and glasses, there is no music playing but no one really looks like they want to dance. It is definitely the day after the party. Timmy comes out of Katee’s unoccupied room, Darla has made some coffee and I make up some eggs for all of us with the left over beans, tortillas, salsa, guacamole, and other items left over from Gray’s party. It is time to start trying to fuel up the engines for another day.
We all smile as we slowly talk about the day before and look at some pictures of the event. We discussed who came early and who stayed late. We wondered why Frank doesn’t like his picture taken, and Gracie discovering a bird in the bird house. Why did people stay away from the Pico de Gallo and Guacamole – could it have been the habanera peppers? All in all the day after is a time to move slow and rejuvenate for what comes next.
There are lots of day afters in our lives. The might seem like a let down but in many ways they are the start of the next phase or event in life. We might lay low for awhile, but soon we get moving again, set a course of direction, and begin to gear up for the next “Day Of.” I live for the “Day Of,” but recognize that I can’t do that without embracing the “Day After.” Thankfully this one isn’t to rough, despite the number of empty bottles getting wet in the backyard as the rain pours, making this the perfect “Day After.” Hope your enjoying your day after, what ever your day of happened to be.
It’s Memorial Day 2010, and I find myself sitting in a quite family room. The bunch that live here are all sleeping in this morning. It gives me time to think, to reflect, to connect. As I think about the Holiday, I find myself wondering why I am not inspired by the actions of those we are suppose to memorialize, those who gave their lives for our freedom, for our dreams, for our happiness. I went to a cemetery yesterday to see if I could somehow better connect to those who gave so much so that I could watch a flat screen tv that connects directly to Netflix, or eat at Claim Jumper with its obscenely large portions, or use my cell phone to get work emails and reports on my day off. I am not sure that those who died in the many wars realized they were fighting so we could argue about immigration, or whether or not we should legalize marijuana, or gay marriage or not gay marriage. They fought for the things I still am desperately trying to obtain. A sense of freedom, the ability to pursue my dreams, and the hope that happiness comes my way continuously. Sorry, but what those soldiers did doesn’t inspire me.
My inspiration today comes from someone I know who is living free, pursuing dreams and chasing what makes her happy. At 22, almost 23, she has found ways to make her dream of traveling come true. Today she leaves for France. I get to take her to the airport. She has been working hard for the last 4 months saving her money, she 
found a nanny job to pay to get her their and cover the bulk of her expenses, she is getting her euro rail pass and has enrolled in school. She is excited, packed, and ready to go. When I watch her she does not seem bound by the things that I allow to bind me, those assumed rules, the learned rights and wrongs, or limit’s that we somehow place on ourselves. She simply knows what she wants and has found a way to go after it. What is cool is that she hasn’t given up on her dream, she is making it happen, and today she is on her way. What I want to learn from Katee is that pursuing your dreams is ok, in fact it is right. That giving yourself permission to pursue those dreams is freedom, and that in moving towards those dreams is where happiness is often found. Strangely I learn these lessons from my kids when I should be the one teaching the lessons, right???? Wait, that is one of those learned ideas that I have. instead I should be saying, “How cool to learn lessons from my daughter.” Katee, have a most awesome three months and I’ll see you at the airport when you get back.
So a few months back I got a new toy, a Nikon Camera. In College I took photography and was an accidental Art Minor, meaning I took so many art classes I minored in it with out realizing it. Ceramics, Art History, and a number of other classes. Ceramics and Photography were my favorites. Because I don’t have room for a kiln in my backyard, I opted to explore my creative side once again with a camera. Since then I have been having fun with exploring color, lighting, depth of field. Taking pictures of the everyday but from a new or different perspective. It is interesting to me to try and make the ever day interesting again. Of course there is the ocean and sunsets and subjects that are always interesting to me, but all around us are things that scream to be looked at. I have decided to post a few of my pictures here from time to time, as they are a reflection of my journey, of a look deeper inward As I let myself see things again, I somehow am seeing myself more clearly again. Yes, I have even taken a picture of an occasional flower or two, weird I know. So stay tuned as I try to get better and better at capturing life around me as it happens. Here are a few recent pictures.
Emptiness
Contemplation
Son Burn (my son)
Backyard Birdhouse
Begging to be Sat in
Hope you find them worth looking at.
I have been thinking through some of my life decision the last few weeks. Decisions of where I went to school, of when I got married, career choices (I am on my third career at the moment), the cars I have purchased, the friends I have made, you name it, I have been looking back at it. You can’t change any of those decision or the impact they have had on you, but you can hopefully learn from the good decisions and the bad, to make better ones in the future.
Last week a friend of mine called while we were both driving home from work. We were talking through what we do each and every day. Both of us do the same thing in different buildings. While we both make good money, we were questioning whether the the stress, the amount of time, the way we seem to miss out on important events at home, and the fact that we come home to spent to focus on other pursuits, is worth all the money we are paid. Would life be more enjoyable with less $$$$ but more of a quality of life. I have been looking at what other people do for jobs, and while many don’t come with fancy titles, or large paychecks, I wonder if they are enjoying life more?
I met with a man yesterday who is an Elder Law Attorney. It was work related. When I asked how he chose elder law he told me a story of being a Corporate Lawyer, doing very well, but having an experience with his aging father. He decided to make a change. While his first few years he barely broke even, those were his favorite years of his professional life because he was doing something that gave him meaning and purpose. He found his fit. He began to enjoy life. That is the question I am facing this weekend. Am I enjoying MY life? Does my current job allow me to enjoy MY life? What does it look like to enjoy MY life?
I follow a number of my friends, old and new, on facebook. Some it is very apparent have answered this question. I see a few doing jobs they love, like ceramics, or making soap and candles. Others have jobs that let them do what they love, like act in plays, spend time with friends, or travel. Reading the many updates lets me know that it is possible to have a quality of life that is very enjoyable. The pursuit of power, position, wealth, does not necessarily get you what your really want, enjoyment, satisfaction, peace, contentment.
Guess I have a few things to think through this weekend. That's why I like weekends, a chance to think, to consider, to wonder, to look at life from different angels. This is one of those things I want to figure out. I hope you are enjoying life. If not, you can join me in my quest to figure out the answer to this area of my life.
Every once in a while I wake up singing songs from the past. This morning I caught myself fumbling through the words for “Saturday In The Park.” by Chicago. Its not the fourth of July, I’m not living in Chicago, so the only logical explanation is that Saturday is here. As it is 7 in the morning there are not many people laughing or dancing in my house. In fact, with the exception of Surf the Wonder Dog and my self they are all sleeping. As the song continues to bounce through my head I find myself coming out of the sleepy fog I was in, my mind beginning to work, and a smile coming to my face. I remember a cross country trip with my Dad, moving all of my Grandma’s stuff from California to Illinois. Her car pulling a huge U-Haul We broke down before we even got across the boarder to Nevada. Leaving her stuff behind we continued to our drive through the Rockies, the Corn Fields of Nebraska, and into the land of Lincoln. What I remember most is my Dad laughing during the trip, and his Chicago tape playing in the background, over and over again (he didn’t care much for my Journey or Kansas tapes).
Its been awhile since I took a trip like that with my kids. We did the “Surprise drive to Disneyland, next day at Magic Mountain, then back home, Marathon Trip".” Evan and I did the “Drive through Montana, look for a college trip.” We went to San Francisco on our “See Katee act, buy pipes, two flat tire, trip.” And a year ago we did the “In Search of In-And-Out Burgers/Stop at Every Skate Park on the Northern California and Southern Oregon Coast trip.” But even with those trips, I am finding myself needing to skip town with my kids, to head out on a new adventure for a few days, a week, or a month. Something edgy like rock climbing, or back backing, or climbing Mount Hood. Funny that having a song surface in your mind can take you down a path like that.
This Saturday in the Park will be no walk in the park. The agenda is set. Our Home Owners Association has graciously purchased a big metal dumpster of the enormous kind, to entice us all to do a yard spring cleaning. Time to rake up leaves, prune branches, trim the hedge that is out of control, do some weeding, set up the back deck, and figure out what our summer, house to do list, will look like. If we work hard this weekend, I won’t have to make a dump run this summer (Thanks HOA). I will be able to sit back and just make sure the yard is watered, the deck is swept, and the Hot Tub stays running. The smell of steak and chicken will soon be competing with the aroma of my cigars and those who join me in partaking. The cooler on the back deck will be full of an assortment of Oregon Micro Brews. This one weekend of hard labor will be worth the benefit of relaxing over the next few weekends. So while it won’t be Saturday In The Park today, I will soon be enjoying Saturday At the Beach, Saturday On a Hike, Saturday In the Mountains, Saturday In Seattle, You name it, I will be trying to do it on a Saturday. Who knows I may even take one of those wild “Long” Weekend Trips with my kids to a neighborhood near you, because I spent this Saturday, in the yard. May you use your Saturday wisely.
I’m smiling again. Sometimes its the simplest things that do that to me. Today it is the fact that my hot tub is slowly heating up, getting ready for me to once again dip my toes in, do my “Ouch,ouch. ouch, ouch, its hoooooooootttttttttttt, sit down quick and try to breath, ritual. I’ve been known to get up when I can’t sleep and sneak in at 3 or 4 in the morning. I also have gotten up for a quick soak before getting ready for work. I have been known to answer email on my blackberry, have a deep, intense discussion, or take a little nap, while relaxing in the warmth of my outdoor tub.
From my hot tub life takes on a slightly less stressful look. It is a place of solitude in my backyard. I watch birds, listen to music, and make plans for the future while sliding around and enjoying the bubbles. I often drift back in time to hot tubs in Turtle Rock, Deerfield, the Colony and Northwoods. Sneaking in and sneaking out made it that much more fun. I taught a few of my kids to swim in my folks hot tub in Seattle. Darla and I have talked through hard decisions while sitting in the dark out back and determined plans for the future while heating up to 102 degrees.
I religiously put in the chemicals so my sanctuary is ready for its patrons to come, sit, and partake. As I get more and more excited my kids are returning from work. Each one is asking when we will be able to slip on our suits and sink below the surface of the water. Once again, the family will join together, not around a meal or an event, but around a giant tub that sits in the ground. It is the simple things that the Sam Fam enjoys, and tonight you will find us in that favorite spot in our backyard.
As I woke up this morning I felt a sense of relief sweeping over me. I was thinking, things are returning to normal. I don’t feel as stressed about work, Darla and I snuck out for a movie, I slept in until 8 am on a Sunday, Gray is up snowboarding, Katee is heading to work, and things are starting to feel right. I need to go do the grocery shopping today, and I cleaned the bathroom yesterday so all is good. I have a small list of around the house items to do, and a couple of bigger projects to consider. All things considered life is feeling normal.
Then it hit me, “What is Normal?” A few years ago normal was spending the weekend watching soccer games from morning to night, driving all over Oregon to the various games. It was flying to Florida or Colorado for meetings, it was working downtown, it was planning conferences and raising money. Rewind a little more, and it was watching Cartoons on Saturday morning, or Surfing with friends, figuring out what it meant to be married. What is normal?
Dictionary.com defines Normal as:
mÉ™l/ [nawr-muhl] –adjective1.conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
As I read the definition I realized I don’t want a normal life. I might say I do at times, but I don’t want my life to conform, or be common, to become regular. I want life to be exciting, to be challenging. I want my life to be anything but usual. So why do I spend so much time wishing that things would get back to “Normal?” Why do I sometimes let it become normal? Over the last two months I have gone skiing in Canada, rock climbed at a hidden spot in Lake Oswego, learned to cook beef stroganoff, found a photography class to sign up for, danced at a wedding, fallen in love again with my wife, come close to being fired, become more aware of social issues, and the list goes on and on and on. This is not letting life be normal, this is experiencing life, it is enjoying what comes my way. I sometimes confuse excitement and living, as being busy. Sure I sometimes need to slow down and regroup, refuel, but I like life feeling like it is pushing me to new places, new things, new heights. I want an un-normal life to be normal for me. At least that is what I am thinking this morning, as I sit on the couch i sit on every day, drinking my coffee just like every day, and consider what I will do today just like every day. I AM SO NORMAL.
across the kitchen, and Surfs long nails click on the hardwood floor as he paces waiting for someone to feed him. Outside I can hear birds chirping, I see the squirrels playing on the fence, and I am amazed by the leaves that have overnight appeared on my favorite tree. I wonder as I sit on the couch, sipping my Americano, why am I in such a hurry to get to work? What awaits me that someone else can’t deal with. How important is it that I show up right on time, I never leave on time? 
Today I took a walk with a new friend of mine. Her name is Gracie. She isn’t quite 4 feet tall yet, and I am guessing she is 5, maybe 6 years old tops. We were heading through Cook Park on our way to a Sunrise Easter Service, walking through the trails in the woods. The air was nice and cool, turning our cheeks red and making our fingers numb. Her mom and dad we on the trail with us, and all of us were enjoying a change from normal. As we all walked towards the dock and covered picnic area, Gracie would stop, seeing the smallest of flowers, a natural bird bath, or other detail easily missed As we continued I started to wonder why I hadn’t seen all the things that Gracie was seeing before? I walk through Cook Park every week. I quickly rationalized that Gracie is lower to the ground than I am, so it only makes sense that she would see those things and not me. But as I kept watching her I noticed that it had nothing to do with her height. It had more to do with her state of mind. She wasn’t hurried, she wasn’t replaying a conversation from earlier in the morning, she wasn’t worrying what others on the trail might be thinking of her. And because of that she was seeing things that I was missing. As we kept walking I continued to wonder, how many things was I missing each day because of stress, busyness, deadlines, and other distractions. What was I walking by without noticing? Have I missed opportunities to see into the hearts of my kids, when did I last notice the color of Darla’s eyes? I have been better at noticing what is going on inside of me (thanks to my $90 an hour best friend, but am I missing the things going on all around me? There is a world out there just asking to be discovered. It has been a while since I have noticed a sunset or enjoyed the feeling of rain on my face. This is a great time of year as flowers are blooming, leaves are coming back on the trees, the squirrels are running on our fence. It is time to start seeing things again. I really want to be more like Gracie, noticing everything that is around me and getting excited by its color, or smell, or sound that it makes, or just being excited that I noticed at all. Thanks for teaching me something Gracie.
As we drove into Whistler we were holding our breath. Would the room be nice, would the bed be comfy, would there be enough to do if I couldn’t ski (thanks deep cut on the bottom of my foot), would there be a view. Of course it is dark when we pull in, our plan is to figure out our plan of attack, unpack, and get something to eat. Not necessarily in that order. Having a plan sounds good. We didn’t have one before we left home. We forgot to print up directions so of course we used Google maps. Then we get a helpful email from T-Mobile telling us that we are paying per the megabit for internet on our phones. So, off go the phones. Oh Yeah, there is this thing called Canadian money and exchange rates, might want to know the rate exchange before you cross the border. Remember that stuff in elementary school called liters, kilometers, and other things you didn’t really bother to learn, makes it tough when buying gas or trying to figure out how much longer it is going to take to get to your condo. So a plan of attack sounds good, at least an idea or two. By the way, Condo is awesome, bed not to comfortable, view priceless. Plans are to ride the Peak to Peak Gondola, Zip Line, Check out the Whistler Village, determine which night(s) to enjoy the night life, ski, snow shoe, cross country ski, etc… So there aren’t enough days to do all we want to do. No problem, we don’t do real well following a plan. We really just wake up, look out the window, and decide what we feel like doing. Today, I feel like moving slow and enjoying not having to have a plan.
Sometimes everything goes right, and other times it goes wrong. I am waiting to see which one of those times this will be. For the last year Darla and I have waited for this week to come. It is the celebration of our 25th year of being married. In typical Rick and Darla fashion, we are celebrating it almost three years late. That is right on time for us. You would think with all the time to pre-plan we would have our ski’s lined up, the bars and restaurants planned, directions printed, etc… but that wouldn’t be our style, or as my nephew Nate would say, “That’s not the way we roll.” Instead, a last minute meeting at Darla’s work comes up, no biggy, we push our leave day back a day. Taking a shower on Friday, I decide its a good day to slip and cut my foot. Stitches shouldn’t slow us down to much or mess with our plans to ski. Despite it all we are getting excited. Whistler Canada here we come. Hope all the Olympic crowds have gone home before we get there. Hope there is snow on the mountain, Hope it is a great time of reconnecting with each other. Its been a long wait for this weekend. So far all the things going slightly wrong have not kept this vacation from being soooooo right.
I finally have a new toy. Something I have talked about getting for a year but just couldn’t bring myself to spend the money on. I’m not sure why it took so long. Maybe I liked playing the martyr, saying I was sacrificing what I wanted for the good of the family. It could be that I like to feel sorry for myself, but ultimately I think that getting my new toy would mean I would have to use it, and what if I was unable to get the enjoyment out of it that I would like to? What if I couldn’t master it? What if it failed to make me happy? Why do I over think so many things in my life?
class, back when I was younger and full of creativity. I wonder if I still have any creativity left, or if it has all been replaced by number crunching, people management, marketing plan, day to day type thinking. That is the world I live in today. I don’t slow down a whole lot anymore to see the beauty in simple things, to enjoy what is going on around me. to think about a single moment in time. That is what a picture can do. It stops time. It sees only what is there and nothing else. It captures the moment, not the future or the past. At the moment of the click life stops and it is what it is.
going to places I wouldn’t necessarily go, like rock climbing, or to a bus yard at night. I enjoy seeing how shadows and light change the way things look. I like capturing people in the moment. There is something about taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary. While it doesn’t matter where I find the pictures, it matters how they are captured. Does it honor the subject, help people see it more clearly or differently, in a new way or forgotten way. While I don’t have a subject matter I am pursuing just yet (I am trying to remember how aperture and shutter speed work again), I am finding myself opening up to things again. Everything is a potential photograph. Watch out if you don’t like your picture taken, I might be right around the corner with a long lens snapping a few of you. 
Over the last few months I have been thinking a lot about friends and friendship. It seems that everywhere I look people are hanging out with friends, enjoying time together, laughing, connecting, sharing. That is everyone but me. I seem to be trying to figure out how to make friends, where to find them, how to be one. Many of you have heard me talk about my $90 an hour best friend. I don’t want to discount that it any way. He listens to everything I say, he asks the tough questions, than he says times up, takes my $90 an hour, and says, “See you next week.” I leave feeling better, he leaves with a little more cash.
As I sit on the couch looking outside the window, the rain is once again pouring down. Its not that surprising, after all this is Portland and rain is the norm. What makes today different isn’t the fact that I am taking a day off, or that Darla and I are both relaxing while drinking coffee and typing on our key boards, its the fact that today is the 21st birthday of my son Evan. He will spend today making beer with Derek, legally drinking in a bar with friends, and enjoying his first adult New Years.
He is no longer the little boy who used to run full speed in circles, without noticing that each loop brought his head closer to the picnic table. He also is no longer the the kid leaning back on the slide laughing before slipping and tumbling head first down the stairs. He is no longer that child being expelled from junior high for sneaking a sip of alcohol in the boys bathroom, or the only one who in anger would leave a left handed dent in the bonus room wall. Today he is the man who did all those things and has continued to learn, grow, and mature through them and countless other stories just like them.
Today, Evan is the responsible one who is figuring life out, is concerned with his impact on the world and how he uses its many resources. He is the explorer who is enjoying the outdoors and what he can learn about himself, others and life, while hiking, climbing, planting, and anything else he can do outside. He is the student who is challenging his mind while considering new ideas and thoughts and ways of being. He is the reader and thinker, enjoying a new book or engaging in a deep conversation. He is the lover of people and life, helping his dad hang Christmas lights, playing games with his brothers, sharing rides with his sister, taking walks with his mom, writing music or hanging with friends. He is the leader who shares what is important to him and invites/enlists, others to join him. Today marks a rite of passage. Nothing much really changes, while at the same time the entire world seems to open up to you. Evan may be ready to take on the world, I’m just not sure if the world is ready to take on Evan.
As a Dad, you child turning 21 is bitter sweet. You are excited for him, you wish him all the experiences you have had and all those that you didn’t. You anxiously await seeing what path he will chose in life and how he will manage its many complexities. You also realize that your role in his life is changing, you are no longer the teacher or the coach, you become the bystander, cheering and encouraging from the sidelines as he runs his own race. You wonder if you will be needed anymore and if so, will you be able to deliver what is sought. You realize that you are getting older and it is now your child, becoming a man, who along with others like him, will be changing the future. And, while you think about these things you realize you are smiling, because all is as it should be.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN
Love Dad
So I am experiencing something I never anticipated regarding my daughter. I always new I would be jealous of my kids youth, their ability to do things athletically that I can no longer do, their taking risks skiing or surfing, that I am no longer willing to take. I knew I would be envious of their experiencing things that I had never experienced, or having opportunities that I had never had. Those things I anticipated and knew were coming. But I failed to realize that there would be somethings that would occur that would rock me deep at my core level, and ignite an ugly, selfish, covetous side of me. It has to do with the things they are accumulating. Things that I want. Things that I deserve more than they do.
It started way back when Evan got the first IPod of the family. Something so small, so simple, created so much lust deep down inside me. How could it be that he got one before me. My focus then turned to the Play Stations, Xboxes, and Wii’s. Sure I bought these for Derek, Evan and Gray as presents, I became a partner in purchasing some, but they knew how to play the games, to master them. They had the time to play while I watched and felt the ugliness of my envy grow. Then Evan and Katee came home from college with Apple Computers, new and shiny. They didn’t even have to pay for them. But yesterday, it all became so clear to me, how deep this sickness inside me runs. It happened as Katee came home in a Red BMW 318i. It doesn’t matter that it was recently in an accident and the hood needs to be repaired. Who cares that it is a 1991 and not a 2009. It has a Sun Roof. It is a manual transmission and is built for racing. It has awesome tires and a great sound system. She got it for a steal, and once she gets it fixed up she will have still spent less money than it is worth. I am jealous of my daughter, green with envy as they say, lusting after something she possesses and I do not. My friends know I have special names for the cars I want and the cars I have. There is the family of “Circle Cars” – BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, the ones that I want. Then there are the “Label Cars” – Chevy, Ford, Honda, the ones I have had. It is all based on the emblem. It is the Circle Cars that I desire right now in my life. I have always placed them out of reach, not practical, something to desire but never to have. However, Katee has changed that. She has one. She has moved that which seemed only a fantasy, and brought it into reality. It sits outside my window, right in front of my house. It is real, I have ridden in it. My daughter has what I have only dreamed of. She has a Circle Car. She has reached my elusive goal without even trying.
I am left pondering how it is Katee got there before me. She does not make the money I make, she does not even lust after circles, crave circles, desire circles, the way I do. To her it is just a cute car to get her back and forth to school and work. How can she think of a circle car that way. What has kept me all these years from having what my daughter now claims as her own? Now that she has shown me the path to the Circle Cars, I am thinking it won’t be long until I have one of my own, but who would have thought that it would be my daughter to show me the way. Thank you Katee for showing me it is possible. Thank you Katee for showing me the path. And, Katee – if you see me looking at your car in a strange way, just know I am thinking how one day I can join the ranks with you of being the proud owner of that elusive Circle Car.
