And Then He Was Gone




The earth did not shake, there was no trumpet sound, no sirens, lights, or whistles. He simply breathed his last breath and was gone. Surrounded by his wife and daughters he slipped from this world into the next. He didn't have a suitcase, he didn't ship any of his items ahead, he didn't leave a forwarding address, although we think we know where he might make his new residents. You would think a life of generosity, of hard work, of giving of yourself, would deserve some kind of send off, some celebration, some type of closure. Instead it appears the end is more of a fading light after sunset, the sound of a train whistle growing more faint as it gets farther away. In a moment he was gone and we were left in the room realizing that something significant had just occurred.

The calls are being made, the emails sent, his friends and family are being told, that he is no longer with us. There will be a gathering, a time to remember, to share, to miss. How sad that he will not be there to hear about the difference he made in peoples lives, the lessons he taught his grand kids, the smiles he put on peoples faces. Did people tell him these things while he was here. Does anyone know how many soccer games he sat through, how many concerts he sang in, how many tickets he got in his first fast car? We used to think he was foolish with all the money he donated to different causes, but do we know the impact that had on the lives of others?
Does anyone really know how significant and meaningful he was in the lives of those he came in contact with? Did he know?

In the end, I hope he felt satisfied with how he lived life, that he knew he left a mark on those he came in contact with. That he saw the difference his life made. I hope he was able to take memories with him, an understanding of the part he played in life, and the love of his wife and daughters. We all have our thoughts about what comes next, but what is certain is that this man was here, that he made a difference, and that we will remember him.

My new goal is to let people know the difference they are making, the joy they bring, the love they spread. I want them to know before they fade out or grow faint. We owe each other that much. Wish I would have done a better job of it




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Continuing to Learn




It is Saturday afternoon, and I am enjoying my favorite past time. Reading about things that interest me while smoking a cigar. Many who know me would assume it is the cigar that I enjoy most, but it truly is learning and expanding my knowledge about things that matter that excites me most. While I sit on my patio in 70 degree weather, I am catching up on news, sports, and the many other topics that find their way to my Ipad. Today, the article that has me thinking the most is 10 Lessons I Learned from the End of My Marriage by Lisa Arends.

Before you all make assumptions, I am not thinking of ending my marriage. I was not searching the Internet for articles on Divorce (It was actually Marriage that I was searching on). Rather, with Darla and I learning how to live together, apart, I was looking for insight that could help us stay more connected, more intimate, despite the introduction of miles. I have been wondering what changes will need to occur in my marriage in order for it to become stronger as life changes, careers progress, and we both continue to grow both individually and together. Some of the lessons Lisa talks about are very valuable.

Happiness is My Choice. Lisa talked about telling her husband that "He made her happy." She meant this as a way to tell him how important he was to her. However, she realized, that she was in charge of her own happiness, and that it was unfair to place that burden on her husband. I am a lot like Lisa. I often look to Darla to be the source of my happiness rather than take responsibility for my own. As a result I find myself sitting around waiting for Darla, thinking that a relationship means spending as much time as possible together. I can find myself feeling hurt when Darla makes choices to spend time with her friends or if her plans don't ALWAYS include me. How has a healthier view? It is not fair that I put Darla in a place of being responsible for my happiness. As I am away from home, I have had to do this for myself. And, when I come back home, it is sticking. This is such an important lesson, and one that I need to teach my kids and everyone else who struggles with this.

"Knew" is not the same as "Know". What I took away from this simple point is that we are all changing and growing. My spouse is not the same person she was at 13 when we met, at 20 when we married, at 46 when our oldest got married, or at 50 as I write this. I need to continue to work on getting to know my wife, and letting her know me. We are not the same and it only makes sense that our relationship is growing and changing as well. How awesome to think that our relationship is not stagnant. How sad to think that I often fight to keep it from changing instead of enjoying and anticipating what is unfolding as something different and exciting.

Life is not a Waiting Room. I would like to think that I live in the here and now, enjoying each moment. But I have to admit that I probably spend more time saving, planning, working towards the future. As a result I am missing out on what can be enjoyed each day. I don't want to miss out on life with Darla, by preparing to live life tomorrow. We have no idea of what tomorrow may bring. I need to make the best of today, and that means enjoying both with Darla and when Darla is not with me (and she usually is not with me when I am enjoying a cigar - imagine that).

Holding is out of Love; Clinging is out of Fear. I have been a clinger I am afraid. I can hear Darla telling me that sometimes I am suffocating her. I story it that I want to spend time with her, to be connected, but if I am truly honest, it is because I fear that she might grow tired of me, that I might not be enough for her, that the reason she is pursuing her doctorate is because I can not stimulate her thinking the way she needs. Love truly is about holding the relationship and Darla with an open hand, allowing her to grow and pursue her passions as she allows me to do the same. It is about seeing relationship as something that grows stronger by letting it expand rather than trying to control its direction and outcome.

So, all this to say, I am learning. I am learning more about me than about our relationship. I am seeing at almost 50, I still have a lot to learn. Lisa's article is just another reminder of things I need to work on as I continue to find ways to live my life and my relationship with Darla to the fullest. It also helps me not fear Living Together Apart. I am loving the journey.


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End of Life




Today I find myself pondering life and death. It has a way of sneaking into your thoughts when you are sitting bed side, listening to the slowing breaths, of a man you have known for 37 years.

This man gave me my first job, took my back packing, helped me move, painted my homes, and trusted me with his daughter. His life was full of living, being generous, and loving others. It was also full of painful knees, battling Alzheimer's and in the last year, his own frailty. As I sit next to him I wonder if he feels he lived well, if he has any unfinished business? Are there things he would like to do over or do again? Would he have taken a different career path, stayed home more, or maybe less? Did he answer all the questions he had about life, is he ready for what is next? I would ask him but he is no longer talking, not recognizing, only fighting for each breath. We are no longer counting years, months or days, we are counting hours of a man who has impacted those most important to me, each of my children, my wife, and my self. Thank you!


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