At This Moment In Time

I find myself once again on my back deck.  Derek and Evan are playing guitar, getting ready to play at a coffee house tomorrow night.  When they play I experience the joy and pain of their lyrics knowing that I have lived, or watched them live,much of their words with them.  As I listen I find that at this moment in time I am content.

As I listen to them I am also reflecting on my last week at work. There have been times recently I have wondered if I can really turn the facility I am in around.  I have wondered if I can lead.  I know my goals and expectations for myself are high, but I also know that those who entrust their loved ones to me deserve nothing less. This last week we were involved in our annual state regulatory survey, our report card and an outside look at all of our systems, delivery systems, and ultimately the care we give. Yesterday we found that out of 500 regulations that we are evaluated on in 15 areas, we cleared 498 of the regulations and 14 areas.  This places us among the top skilled and long term care facilities in Oregon. Many of my concerns about my own abilities have been answered.  As I reflect I find that at this moment in time I am content.

My mind wanders back over the last year of family and marriage. I recognize that we have been through a great deal of pain and hurt, confusion, questioning, growing, and figuring life out.  After 26 years we should be experts but instead we find we have many more questions that need answering.  We also have had much laughing, connecting in new ways, and times of standing strong together. As my mind wanders I find that at this moment in time I am content.

Sure the house needs painting, our car has been at the mechanics for two weeks with a blown engine, my neighbor wants us to cut down our favorite tree because of needles, Derek is getting married in a month and a half, and Katee graduates in two weeks. There is much I need to work on in my personal and professional life, and in my marriage, but at this moment in time I am content.

So for the next few moments, or maybe a little longer, I am going to sit here on my back deck and enjoy the fact that in the midst of a life filled with constant pressure, continual change, a future that can’t be read, I am content.  I hope those that read this can find those moments of contentment in the midst of all they face as well.

Connection in a Cyber World

Twitter, Facebook, Google Groups, Blogging., Skype.  Am I really becoming more connected.? I have friends followers, and I am a member.  I tweet, update, discuss, post and chat.  My world is ever expanding. But am I really more connected?  I have sat in the house on a sunny day checking to see what is happening in my on-line world, but am i somehow missing what is going on in the outdoor world.  Which world is real?  I can get lost in cyberland, or go downtown and get lost in Portland.  I can go hear music live or just listen in on Pandora. I don’t have to go out to shop I can just order online and have it show up. But again I ask am I really more connected.  I now get quick updates from my kids through text messaging, sometimes 10 or fifteen times a day.  I know where they are and what they are up to.  But it has been awhile since we hugged or touched in anyway.

For all that the new world has brought, it has not brought increased face to face connection.  What I long for and most enjoy is face to face time.  Connecting personally not cyberlly.  I need to figure out how to merge and mesh these two worlds that are colliding in such a way as to meet the many needs I have beyond the sharing of information.  And by the way, sharing of information is not my definition of connection.  Somehow I must learn to embrace and fight the changes at the same time.  To make it work for me. Saying I love you in a text message is not the same as saying it while in the midst of a hug.  LOL is not nearly as much fun as laughing out loud where others can hear you.  Typing to someone you care about is not the same as holding their hand. I would much rather do something with you, than to have you learn about it through my tweeting or updating.  Yet at the same time, there is a sense of connection that happens knowing that others know what I am up to. So yes, I am a little more connected. Maybe not in the ways I most want, but others do know what is happening in my life, to the extent I let them in. Thanks for connecting with me.

The Backyard

The wind is gently moving the leaves in the trees. The sound of a woodpecker knocking away on an unfortunate tree somewhere close by. Birds swooping down to the fountain to grab a quick drink.

Sitting in my backyard, enjoying all the sights and sounds can take me away from the stressful, frantic, life I live most days. My backyard is safe, free of pressure and demands. Plants grow as they desire, the squirrels play when they want, the bees fly into the flowers stay awhile and then move to the next. Why do we have to live so differently? I feel I can breathe in my backyard, I can dream, I can nap, I can slow down enough to feel my own heart beat and to listen to my own thoughts. It is no wonder that I dread the end of the Fall as we put the deck furniture away. I know why I get excited as Spring approaches and we start using the BBQ. It has to do with a state of mind that I find myself falling into on my back deck. Mornings I find myself drinking coffee listening to the wind. At night I am back outside listening to frogs and crickets. It is music that touches me deep down inside. It moves me in ways that Dave Mathews, the Foo Fighters, and Led Zepplin, cannot. I find I am a much better person after being in my backyard.

All of my senses come alive out back. I feel the wind on my toes, the sun warms my face, and the occasional needles from the tree fall on my arms. I hear the lawnmowers in the distance, the pinecones hitting the cover of the hot tub, the birds and squirrels chasing each other in the trees. I see the clouds slowly moving through the sky and the many, many, many shades of green that surround me. I smell the lilacs and mint, the fresh cut grass and the BBQs of my neighbors.

I am somehow a better person on my deck, a different person, the one who I would chose to be all of the time if I could. Out here I am free to just be. This is real life.