Procrastination - Is it a flaw? I don't think so.

Not sure what I was thinking. I have put it off as long as I possibly can. I feel the walls pressing in. The calendar is a constant reminder that I have let things slip, and now I am slowly going into panic mode. A year ago I was in the same place, and I swore I would not let it happen again, and yet, it has happened. In college I needed the due date to motivate me to write the paper or start studying for the test. So I have my due date. I am staring December 25th right in the eye. A year ago I had to leave work early on the 24th to find that one last present. I swear the clerk at the mall remembered me from the year before. And here I am again.

So what is it about me that is putting it off to the last minute. I truly am not motivated for Christmas. As a family we have tried to step away from commercialism. But Christmas is not the only area in my life this happens in. The garage door spring has been sprung for over a year and I have not called to get someone in to fix it. I drained the hot tub last week. I still have not refilled it. I need to go grocery shopping but do not want to make a list. The oil in the car needs changing, and on and on and on it goes. Part of me says, "I have had to be responsible for my things and others long enough, I am done." I would rather downsize then be fixing things, replacing things, spending on things. This is a chronic issue for me.

I put off losing weight, I had to put all my bills on bill payer or I would not have gotten them paid. At the core, I long for something different. I have people calling on me all week long, I want a place that does not require anything of me. I want to shut down for a while. I am not sure if it is a wrong thing to feel this way. The reality is this is who I am. I can put things in place that allow me to function and get what I need, despite this part of my character, or I can change. I have the choice to paint my house or pay someone else to do it. I can grocery shop or eat out. Once again it comes down to being ok with myself. Are you ok with you? Keep on Battling.

How do you Determine Self Worth?

I've been looking at the way I view life, process my situation, and try to make sense out of my circumstances. A long time ago I adopted a philosophy that simple stated, "There will always be someone smarter, faster, stronger, better looking, making more money, with a better title, a bigger office, than me. If that is what I pursue, then I will always be disappointed." It is a way of thinking that has always served me well. That is, until I realized that I was using it as an excuse, a way to cop out on ever reaching any goal of any kind. After all, there will always be someone else who is...

The more I take a Deeper Look Inward, I find that this way of thinking really gets at the heart of how I determine my value to, and in, the world. My self worth and self esteem flow from this. Thankfully I am very good at what I do, and those over me reward me in a variety of ways. But should their praise or what they pay me be the means by which I define myself? Should my comparison with others, who will always be smarter, faster, more successful, etc... be the means by which I determine how I feel about me? This is the thinking I am challenged with today as I take a Deeper Look Inward.

I don't have answers at this point, only more questions. But, I would love to dialog with others who are walking down the same line of thinking. Leave a comment here to continue this conversation.

Oregon Ducks vs. Oregon State Beavers - Is it Selfish

Over the last few weeks I have been wrestling with the concept of selfishness versus self care.  I grew up being taught that it was wrong to be selfish, in fact it was sinful to be selfish.  I believed you should always put the needs of others ahead of your own.  This was the right and noble thing to do.  Problem is this philosophy often left me feeling frustrated, walked on, angry and bitter.  In the end, putting others needs ahead of my own would lead me to resent those I thought I was putting first.  Over the last few weeks I have been looking at the idea of not always discounting my needs and wants.  Being able to meet my needs isn't always bad.  In fact, many would call this self care.  As I have explored this theme I have been asking myself, "What did I used to do, enjoy, participate in?  Where did I use to go or spend time?"  I started to look at what I have maybe given up which was important to me, in order to put others first.  One of those areas was football.  Is football wrong.  Is it wrong to enjoy it.  Is it wrong for me to watch it when others want to do something else.  Well last Saturday I practiced some self care and headed to Corvallis for the Civil War Game.  University of Oregon Ducks versus the Oregon State Beavers.  This is what self care looks like for me.

How the Oregon Ducks Versus Oregon State Beavers is Helping me Grow Up

For the last few years I have been working on me.  By that I mean that I have spent years thinking that putting others first, being sacrificial, dying to self, was what the good guy always does. I have worked hard to make sure my wife and kids have had their needs met.  I have a hard time buying what I need.  After a few years of meeting with a councilor, I have started to figure out that taking care of myself is not selfish, it is actually self care.

So how do the Oregon Ducks fit into it?  They are a part of my self care program.  Doing what I enjoy has taken me to the Ducks vs Stanford, the Ducks vs UCLA, and tomorrow it will take me to the Ducks vs Beavers.  Normally I would feel guilty about leaving my wife and kids at home, but I am growing.  I would feel the need to take them, but I am going with friends.  What makes my becoming a little more health more fun, is that the Ducks are playing awesome football.  What other team scores three touchdowns in 5 minutes.  Who else has a shot at the national championship.  My personal development could not have come at a better time.

Tomorrow I will be on my way to Corvallis at 7 am.  Kick off is a 12:30.  I will be dressed in Green, cheering loudly, and quacking when excited.  Its a big day. Games don't get a whole lot bigger than the Civil War Game. What makes it even sweeter is that I didn't have a ticket this time yesterday.  As I have worked on my self it has led to my making friends (another part I am working on).  And now, one of those friends has invited me to the game. The Ducks are helping me to grow up, and the Beaver game just helps me see it.  This is the part of the battle I like.  May your team win tomorrow.

Job Evaluations

It's that time of year again. A time when someone is going to take a look at my performance and determine if I have been a successful employee or not.  All year long I evaluate my employees based on whether or not they are meeting set standards, moving us towards our mission statement, and living out the company values.  It is one thing when I evaluate others, but when it comes to me #%^%@!.  So as I head towards this time, I find myself trying to justify what I have done this year by looking at how much money I have generated for the company, by looking at my facilities compliance record, going over our turn over reports, etc...  But isn't a persons worth to a company more than numbers.  Isn't there more to success than customer satisfaction surveys.  Is the impact you make on others ever a factor?

So, what is an evaluation about anyway.  For the employee we are hoping to hear good things about ourselves, followed by a raise or promotion of some type.  We want our year of service to be valued by our employer in a tangible way.  Sure we want nice things to go into our file, but what we really want is money, green backs, franklin's. We want more than a cost of living increase, we want something substantial.  As an employer we want to align the employee to the coming years direction.  We want more work in the same amount of time.  We hope we don't have to pay any more for it. We want unquestioning loyalty, and exceptional work ethic, and a stellar attendance record.  No wonder there is more disappointment after an evaluation than any other time. 

So how can i approach my evaluation this week in a different way. I want to be in the drivers seat and lead the meeting, rather than have it happen to me. I would like to make a proposal for a change in position, or a way to financially incentivize me to higher performance.  I really want to be invited to the inner circle of ownership, but would settle for something that felt like a promotion, or moving ahead.  At the least I hope to walk away from the time with a better understanding of what I do well, and what I need to work on, a sense that I am valuable to my employer, and that they are thinking of my future as well as their own. I hope they realize that my evaluation matters to me, and as I am honest with myself, it does matter, it is important.  My your evaluation be all that you want it to be.