Movies and Life

The other night we found ourselves looking for something to do. Not wanting to spend money, or really even to leave the house we turned to Netflix. Lately this has not been a great way to spend the evening. We spend a half hour looking through movies only to start and realize we have watched it before, or that the movie isn't really a story we are that interested in. However, on this night my wife came armed with a movie that she had heard others talking about. We quickly had the movie on,the lights down and we were treated to an awesome movie,The way. I won't go into all the details except to say, it was about a father who heads to Spain and completes the pilgrimage started by his son, The Road to Santiago, and works through his own personal life issues. There is a theme that runs through the movie, that we all get on the road for different reasons.

During the movie I found myself wondering what I would discover about myself if I were ever to take a pilgrimage and how it might change me. I wondered what my reason for going might be, to find myself, spiritual enlightenment, to connect more closely to God? I even started to think through the logistics, could I ever take a month off, how would I pay my bills, what's holding me back?

In many ways I am on a pilgrimage right now. I may not be in Spain, or walking miles and miles, but I am going through the painful process of walking through life, encountering obstacles, experiencing excitement, noticing growth and change in my life. The difference of doing it at home vs. Spain, is that I am distracted by the many daily things in my life. I don't get to experience the hours of quite reflection while walking. I don't come to the end of my self physically and emotionally. Because my road is often the same scenery every day, I miss seeing the beauty of it. Because those I encounter are often the same, I fail to enjoy them as I might on "the road." Maybe I should walk from time to time, sit and listen, reflect and enjoy. It is not about reaching the destination, it is about what you learn along the way. And, that is what I learned while watching the Sheen family entertain me during the movie. See you at the movies.

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Trust Yourself -part II

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today I am sitting in a coffee shop in Idaho, sipping an Iced Irish Coffee, sneaking glimpses of Darla studying, and reading through a bunch of quotes that I have copied along the way. I have blogged on the quote by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe before., but it caught my attention again today. Initially I was intrigued by it, could knowing how to live simply be the result of trusting yourself? Surely life is more complex then that. I then found my self becoming frustrated and a bit angry. Who is this author to say that my feelings of not knowing how to live are a result of my not trusting me? He doesn't even know me.

Sensing a growing reaction to a quote, or anything for that matter, usually signals a need for me to take a little deeper look and determine why I might be reacting. Really, what does not trusting myself mean? Do I need to worry that if i am not watching myself closely I might do something that would land me in jail, cost me my job, or get me in trouble with the home owners association? Or could it simply mean that I don't trust myself to know what I need or want, to know what is best for me?
Growing up I somehow began to live by the notion that left to my own wants and desires nothing good could result. The only thing that resides inside man is bad, selfish, sinful, thoughts and wants. When I was eight my Sunday School teacher taught me the heart is deceitful above all else, she couldn't be wrong, could she? As a result I looked for outside entities to think for me, my family, the church, books, the Bible, my wife, after all I couldn't trust myself, not sure why they were better at determining truth for me, but oh well. As I reflect back, I gave others the power to determine what I should pursue for a career, what I should focus on in school, how to do marriage. Left to myself I would do it wrong, selfishly, right? Sadly, this is how I have lived much of my life, and something I still wrestle with daily.
Over the last few years I have been becoming more aware of how messed up this way of thinking is. I am not inherently bad or evil, I prove every day that I am loving and other centered. There is no one better than me to know what I want and need, to understand what is best for me. This is not selfishness and sinful, this is self care and healthy. Trusting myself means believing that I know what I need to grow, to love, to experience life at its fullest, not to be afraid. I may mis-step, but it is trusting that I will recognize it and get it right the next time.
My reaction to the quote is really me being angry with me, for living in slavery to a warped way of thinking for so long, for not being able to figure it out sooner, of missing out on truly living for so long. I an endevouring to trust myself, so that I might truly live.

Worth Waiting For

They say that some things are worth waiting for, and I would have to agree. I have spent the last week anticipate the return of my youngest. He was returning from school to attend a wedding, not really to hangout with the fam. I knew that would be true before he came home and thought I was ready for it. A quick trip, hang out for a short time, grab a bite, see the brothers and sis, check in and move on. We weren't sure when he was coming up, if he would spend a few days or just the night. As the week went on it looked like time would be shorter than longer. On Friday I got the call he would need to be picked up at the bus station around five thirty that evening. As soon as we hung up the clock started to tick slower, the meetings lasted longer and the anticipation brought all things to a stop. In a rush I realized I had been missing him.

I left work early because I couldn't stand waiting. I watched the people walk by looking for him even though I new his bus hadn't arrived yet. Funny the things you do. After an eternity and a few text messages he was there, jumping in the car, looking good with a big smile on his face. As we started towards home he started filling me in on his life, decisions he was making, a relationship he was excited about, work, school, music, and within minutes it felt like everything was right in my life. As we pulled into the driveway and walked into the house, his best buddy, Surf, was waiting for him, waiting to be pet and acknowledged, his mom was waiting too with a big smile and a hug. Quick words and he was out the door to the rehearsal dinner, then to catch up with his siblings. He wasn't sure if he would be home that night or stay over some place else.

In less than an hour life went from full to a little empty, excitement to melancholy. Not sure how it happens so fast, you would think there would be a lasting effect of his being home, if even for a little while. But no, life moves forward even if we feel stuck in sand. While he came home after going out, he was the typical college student and slept in till noon. We went out for lunch, something I know he likes to do, something I wanted to do with him. His sister joined us. I enjoyed just being around him. I couldn't help but think about how he was changing, yet not changing at all. He seemed so independent and confident, yet he had always been that way. Before he left for the wedding he had come home for, he said he would be heading back to school instead of staying a little longer.He had a life together back to,a concert to go to. The time was over as quickly as it had begun. We said our goodbyes, he jumped in the car he was taking back to school, and drove off.

They say something's are worth waiting for, and I would add to that, some things are worth continuing to wait for. I start waiting now for the next time he comes home, even even just for a few hours. It was good to miss him,good to see him, good to know he is missed.


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rick samuelson's photostream

rick samuelson's photostream on Flickr.

As I have been contemplating my life I also go out and take pictures of things that interest me

Living Life

Just being ourselves is the biggest fear we have as humans - Don Miguel Ruiz

As I reflect on life I envision a little boy, running and playing, laughing, being loud, unbound, unhindered, aware only of the sun on his face, the joy inside, his desire to experience, to live. Over time this same boy is told, walk don't run, you should be seen and not heard, you must have goals and focus, you must be responsible, you must take your place in life's drama. As this boy enters manhood he comes to learn that to get ahead, to move forward, to become apart of the human drama, he must play be the rules imposed upon him, to walk in step, to play the part, to drink the kool aide.
Many years ago Steve Taylor wrote a song, "I want to be a Clone." it was a look at how people willingly give in to being like everyone else. We do it to be accepted, to fit in. We do it to avoid conflict. We do it because that is what is expected in this world. And, as we become what it is we are told to become by religion, school, work, family, culture, and the world t large, we lose a little bit of ourselves along the way. We lose the wonder, the desire to run and jump, laugh and sing, to explore and experience, to learn and to live.
When did pleasing others become more important than personal happiness and well being. When did taking care of yourself become the sin of selfishness. When did the voice of others and their system of belief become more important than our own voice and coming to our own beliefs.
We have forgotten who we are, we no longer know or recognize ourselves, to be ourselves means breaking free from what we have become, slaves to what others think and believe, prisoners to expectations that belong to others that we have somehow adopted, trapped to the beat of a drum we are not drumming. My greatest fear is truly being myself. That's not true, my greatest fear is trying to be myself and realizing I have no idea who I really am.
To know myself, to be myself and to live as myself is my greatest goal at this time in my life. I trust you know who you are.
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