Evan Turns 21

IMG00113-20091225-0946 As I sit on the couch looking outside the window, the rain is once again pouring down.  Its not that surprising, after all this is Portland and rain is the norm.  What makes today different isn’t the fact that I am taking a day off, or that Darla and I are both relaxing while drinking coffee and typing on our key boards, its the fact that today is the 21st birthday of my son Evan.  He will spend today making beer with Derek, legally drinking in a bar with friends, and enjoying his first adult New Years. 

He is no longer the little boy who used to run full speed in circles, without noticing that each loop brought his head closer to the picnic table.  He also is no longer the the kid leaning back on the slide laughing before slipping and tumbling head first down the stairs. He is no longer that child being expelled from junior high for sneaking a sip of alcohol in the boys bathroom, or the only one who in anger would leave a left handed dent in the bonus room wall. Today he is the man who did all those things and has continued to learn, grow, and mature through them and countless other stories just like them. 

Today, Evan is the responsible one who is figuring life out, is concerned with his impact on the world and how he uses its many resources. He is the explorer who is enjoying the outdoors and what he can learn about himself, others and life, while hiking, climbing, planting, and anything else he can do outside.  He is the student who is challenging his mind while considering new ideas and thoughts and ways of being.  He is the reader and thinker, enjoying a new book or engaging in a deep conversation.  He is the lover of people and life, helping his dad hang Christmas lights, playing games with his brothers, sharing rides with his sister, taking walks with his mom, writing music or hanging with friends. He is the leader who shares what is important to him and invites/enlists, others to join him. Today marks a rite of passage.  Nothing much really changes, while at the same time the entire world seems to open up to you.  Evan may be ready to take on the world, I’m just not sure if the world is ready to take on Evan.

As a Dad, you child turning 21 is bitter sweet.  You are excited for him, you wish him all the experiences you have had and all those that you didn’t.  You anxiously await seeing what path he will chose in life and how he will manage its many complexities.  You also realize that your role in his life is changing, you are no longer the teacher or the coach, you become the bystander, cheering and encouraging from the sidelines as he runs his own race.  You wonder if you will be needed anymore and if so, will you be able to deliver what is sought.  You realize that you are getting older and it is now your child, becoming a man, who along with others like him, will be changing the future.  And, while you think about these things you realize you are smiling, because all is as it should be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN

Love Dad

Lusting after Things

So I am experiencing something I never anticipated regarding my daughter. I always new I would be jealous of my kids youth, their ability to do things athletically that I can no longer do, their taking risks skiing or surfing, that I am no longer willing to take. I knew I would be envious of their experiencing things that I had never experienced, or having opportunities that I had never had. Those things I anticipated and knew were coming. But I failed to realize that there would be somethings that would occur that would rock me deep at my core level, and ignite an ugly, selfish, covetous side of me. It has to do with the things they are accumulating. Things that I want. Things that I deserve more than they do.

It started way back when Evan got the first IPod of the family. Something so small, so simple, created so much lust deep down inside me. How could it be that he got one before me. My focus then turned to the Play Stations, Xboxes, and Wii’s. Sure I bought these for Derek, Evan and Gray as presents, I became a partner in purchasing some, but they knew how to play the games, to master them. They had the time to play while I watched and felt the ugliness of my envy grow. Then Evan and Katee came home from college with Apple Computers, new and shiny. They didn’t even have to pay for them. But yesterday, it all became so clear to me, how deep this sickness inside me runs. It happened as Katee came home in a Red BMW 318i. It doesn’t matter that it was recently in an accident and the hood needs to be repaired. Who cares that it is a 1991 and not a 2009. It has a Sun Roof. It is a manual transmission and is built for racing. It has awesome tires and a great sound system. She got it for a steal, and once she gets it fixed up she will have still spent less money than it is worth. I am jealous of my daughter, green with envy as they say, lusting after something she possesses and I do not. My friends know I have special names for the cars I want and the cars I have. There is the family of “Circle Cars” – BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, the ones that I want. Then there are the “Label Cars” – Chevy, Ford, Honda, the ones I have had. It is all based on the emblem. It is the Circle Cars that I desire right now in my life. I have always placed them out of reach, not practical, something to desire but never to have. However, Katee has changed that. She has one. She has moved that which seemed only a fantasy, and brought it into reality. It sits outside my window, right in front of my house. It is real, I have ridden in it. My daughter has what I have only dreamed of. She has a Circle Car. She has reached my elusive goal without even trying.

I am left pondering how it is Katee got there before me. She does not make the money I make, she does not even lust after circles, crave circles, desire circles, the way I do. To her it is just a cute car to get her back and forth to school and work. How can she think of a circle car that way. What has kept me all these years from having what my daughter now claims as her own? Now that she has shown me the path to the Circle Cars, I am thinking it won’t be long until I have one of my own, but who would have thought that it would be my daughter to show me the way. Thank you Katee for showing me it is possible. Thank you Katee for showing me the path. And, Katee – if you see me looking at your car in a strange way, just know I am thinking how one day I can join the ranks with you of being the proud owner of that elusive Circle Car.

Ain’t no Substitution for the Real Thing

Dancing with DarlaA few months back, Darla and I found ourselves in a Bed and Breakfast in Tyler Texas. We were there to celebrate our daughters graduation and bring her back home to start life. Next to our bed was a little gadget that reproduced certain sounds to help us fall asleep and keep us from hearing the other guests and traffic noise. We had the tropical rain forest, we had something with crickets, and there was the ocean. If you listened closely it would repeat itself, the waves would crash the same way over and over and over again. Today as I was walking along the water I couldn’t help but think “There Ain’t No Substitution For The Real Thing.” I was caught up by the sound of the waves, and how there was no wave that sounded the same. It was therapeutic and real. The same is true of the New Coke vs. Old Coke, Equal vs Sugar, Miracle Whip vs Mayonnaise, substitutes just don’t cut it. I hate skiing on artificial snow and will never put up a fake Christmas Tree. I once used Quick Tan instead of waiting for the Sun to bake me brown, and instead turned myself a funny shade of orange. Their ain’t no substitution for the real thing. I could continue the list down many different paths, but you get the idea.

Yesterday, Darla and I were experiencing day two of our mini vacation. We have found that we often need two days to get through all of the catch up talk, before getting to the real conversation. Real conversation is conversation that takes place at a heart level. It has to do with what is really going on within. It is were there is real sharing. Sometimes it hurts to say what your saying, sometimes it hurts to hear what is being said, but it is where real communication takes place, and there ain’t no substitution. When it occurs you know it.

In yesterdays, real conversation, we were discussing our life. Twenty-six years of being together, thirty years of being in love, thirty-four years of being friends. We were talking about knowing ourselves and trying to be who we are, who we were meant to be. We touched on so many different things, our struggles to get life right, my people pleasing tendencies, and my feelings that I had let Darla down by not becoming who I thought she wanted me to become. To be fair to Darla, what I just wrote and want you to hear is, “who I thought she wanted me to become,” and not, what she had told me she wanted me to become. As I finished, she looked at me and said, “I fell in love with you as the High Schooler, trying to figure things out. The one who was trying things, experimenting, learning. Not this spiritual, have it all together, know what’s up with life guy.” In that moment, I was hit with a life altering,truth. Darla has always loved me for who I am, not who I am becoming. I don’t have to try and please her, or be something I think she wants me to be. She already loves me. What an incredibly freeing truth. When I drink, she loves me. When I act stupid, she loves me. When I trip over the stuff of life, she still loves me. She may not always like me, but she loves me. What more could I ask for.

I am not sure how many of you will see this as something profound. If you know me and understand all that I struggle with in my life, you will know this is huge. I don't have to hide things, and can just be me. That is who I was when Darla fell in love with me. I can go on continuing to find out who I am, not trying to be who I’m not.

For Darla and I a two day trip never works. Three is a minimum and four is better. There is no substitution for the Ocean, and none for real conversation. There is absolutely no substitution for Darla’s love in my life. May you experience the real thing

Time Away at Rockaway Beach

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It’s the middle of the week and back in Portland is a meeting that I am missing. Missing is actually the wrong word because that would imply that I wish I was there instead of where I am, and I much prefer where I currently am sitting. Out the window it is lightly raining making everything damp with the occasional dripping off the patio hand rail that surrounds the deck in front of our small bungalow. The beach grass is bending in the wind, and the sand has no one walking on it as far as you can see. Darla lies napping in the big chair, enjoying the need to do nothing but relax and slow down.

Stormy weather at the beach is good. It invites you to take it easy. No need to feel like you have to walk the beach or throw a stick for Surf the Wonder Dog. Storm waves don’t call me to put on a wet suit and pull out the board, nor did I even bring them along on this trip. My purpose over the next few days is to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I will sleep and nap, not because the clock, or light outside says its time, but because my body is desiring it. I will eat when I feel a bit hungry, not because it is lunch time. I will walk on the beach as I feel like enjoying the cool wind in my face and listening to the sound of the waves. I have turned off my phones ability to get email (although, I can still get calls if the world must find me), and am resisting the urge to check. I am on vacation and I’ll be damned if anyone is going to rob me of this time.

We are back at the same place we came at the beginning of the summer. The blue chairs are still sitting out at the edge of the small bluff, where you can overlook the sand, waves, and twin haystack rocks. But while the chairs have not moved from the summer, the scenery is very different. The sky is gray, not blue, the waves are stormy not sparkling in the sun, the sand is hard and crunchy, not the summer soft. While looking at the landscape I also find myself looking at me, and I realize that while I am the same person, coming back to the same place, I am somehow different as well. I am a little more mellow than I was six or seven months ago. I feel a bit more content. I am able to relax and enjoy where I am at in life, and the process I am in of understanding my self better. The beach, this beach, is a reminder that while places and people are the same, all things are constantly changing. me included. To fight against that is like fighting the ocean tide. You can’t do it. So for the next few days I will enjoy watching the birds, walking the dog, talking with Darla, and reflecting on my life. And, as a result, I will return home a little more aware of who I am and what I need. Where I am in life, and where I want to continue going. And, a whole lot better because of it.

There will be more meetings to go to next week, next month, next year. There will be plenty of emails to read when I turn the phone back on, or log in on the computer. But for now, I will enjoy the moment that I am in, watching the waves, wind and rain, and being thankful for some time to slow

A Walk Down Memory Lane

October 29

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See full size imageI remember when a walk down memory lane meant that Dad was pulling out the old Kodak Slide Projector. It was the one with those funny round trays full of the hundreds of slides taken over the years. Mom would make pop corn. while the kids would get the screen out of the closet We would all laugh and cringe as different pictures came up. Mom and Dad would apologize about the lost years, the ones in which the camera was broken, so there were no pictures about the life of one of us kids. It helped us remember where we had come from. When we would question if we ever liked each other, we would see pictures of hugging and laughing and parties, and, and, and. It was always good to remember.

Today I took a walk down memory lane in a different way, a new way. It wasn’t a long look back, only the last year or two. I went back to re-read my old bloggings. It is eye opening to take a look back at what you were struggling with, or working through in life. I use my blog much like I would guess many use a diary. I try to capture thoughts, feelings, emotions, I am experiencing. I usually use it after I have had some time to reflect on an issue or area of my life. There is something therapeutic about writing it down in such a way that others can ask me questions about it. So today I read back, and in many ways relived some great memories, some hard lessons, remembered some things I have been trying to forget. I thought about deleting the past blogs, but then realized there is a lot about me in them. How could I just remove my past from being. So the blog and all it reveals remains. Not many read it, but than it really isn’t about getting people to read it as much as it is about getting it out of my head and into the open. It is really about me and not you. However, you are welcome to read, and ask questions about. Maybe it can make both of us better in the long run.

So if you get a chance, take a new walk down memory lane, however you stored your memories, or thoughts, or ideas. It is a good trip to take from time to time.

Andy Loved Being Andy

I went to the funeral of a friend yesterday. A very Catholic funeral with all the sitting and standing, beautiful stained glass windows, lots of nice things being said. There was talk of Heaven and Hell, goodness and badness, and a chance to reflect on the kind of person he was, and you are. Towards the end of the time I was struck with something his brother said, “Andy loved being Andy.”

Out of all that was said in the service, what had the biggest impact on me were those four little words, “Andy loved being Andy.” I started me thinking, does “Rick like being Rick?” and do most people like being who they are, or do they wish to be someone or something different than simply what they are? If I truly loved being who I am, I would quit trying to be what I think everyone else wants me to be. I would be satisfied with what I have, what I do, my skills and abilities, my loves and dislikes, etc… I wouldn’t wish I was more like you, or had what you have, or could do what you do. Those four words speak of a deep down contentedness, a sense of peace with yourself. To be at that place, would be a starting point to truly enjoy all that is around you. To be able to live in the moment, completely. I truly want to “Love being Me.” To not feel like I have to give a reason for why I am the way I am, or to justify why I do what I do. To just be me, and to be ok with being me, sounds like a good place to be (is it bad English to but 3 be’s in the same phrase?}

Andy loved being Andy, I hope you “Love Being You,” for each of us are unique, special, one of a kind. Grab hold of that, and quit trying to be what your not. Enjoy the moment.

Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards

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Often times I forget I am 46 years old. Sure I look in the mirror every morning, but it doesn’t register that the guy looking back at me isn’t still 18. Yeah, I am a little more stiff when I get out of bed now, but I used to feel that way after football practice in high school. I realize at 24 hour fitness, when I push the weights, the setting is a lot lower than it was 28 years ago, and the scale is a lot higher, but that is just being out of shape, not being older, right?

Last week a picture floated through the Face Book community I am friends with. It was of a happy time, a fun time, a younger time. It was of a retreat we were all on in high school It caused me to go back and search through old photo’s of past events, great memories, and awesome friends. As I looked I went through a variety of emotions. I laughed as I remembered things like a birthday kidnapping, or parachute jumps from 3 inches high. I thought about friends I have long since lost touch with and realized I had failed to keep up relationships. I felt anger, that I had to move at such a great time in my life. And, I was shocked to see, realize, be confronted with, the fact that I am no longer 18.

Why would I think that? Three of my four kids are older than 18. I have a wife, kids, job, house, cars, and responsibility, that I didn’t have at 18. What keeps me holding on to that past vision of myself? Was it really a better time than now, or just a time in life that I remember in a slanted way?

The pictures, while of the past, brought me to reality, to this point and time, to a 46 year old, slightly overweight, man, with wisdom and experience that no 18 year old could ever have. They reminded me of the feelings I had at 18, the desire to experience the moment and enjoy every opportunity. I realize that by holding on to that desire, I can continue to feel and act 18, for each moment is new, and life continues to offer great enjoyment.

It is time to let go of wanting to still be 18, and realize that I am “still that 18 year old “ in a slightly used, but much better, me.

Thanks for great memories my friends.

A Changing of Seasons

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A cold chill has returned to the morning air, making coffee on the back deck a little less enjoyable. The squirrel and blue jay that I spend time with each morning seem a little more focused on the task of gathering and preparing for winter then on entertaining me with their playfulness. The sun seems less warm and I feel within me a need to start getting things ready for the coming rain and snow.

This has been a different kind of summer. While we got away we didn’t get to relax. While we had plenty of fun together I am not sure it was enjoyable. There were parties for Darla’s graduation, Katee,s graduation, birthdays, and weddings. It was definitely a summer of celebration. Trips to Texas and Seattle, allowed us to get away. There was even a brief pause for our Anniversary. But it was also a summer in which I sensed the passing of time more than ever before. Who doesn’t have a child get married and not realize that things are changing? With all the activity I couldn’t help but think that each task completed, each day finished, each party and celebration enjoyed, was somehow bringing us closer to the beginning of a change I have tried to ignore. Our family will be changing from now on. Rather than raising kids, we will be moving into the stage of launching them on their own course. We will watch them face the challenges that we had to learn to navigate,. And, I won’t be able to protect and guide like I have done to this point. In many ways I feel my role is coming to an end, and I am not sure what place I will have in their lives in the future. In many ways with Derek and Rachel’s wedding I now feel old. I now feel the aches and pains more than ever when painting the house, working in the yard, fixing the hot tub or carrying a keg from the car to the patio. the 46th birthday and 26th Anniversary of this summer only serve to remind me that I am not who I once was. I am older, heavier, slower, and a little more contemplative than i was at 20,30 or even 40.

As the season changes from summer to fall, I realize my life is changing as well. I love summer, and I have loved my youth. Yet I am anticipating the changing of leaves, the Holiday gatherings, the possibility of snow. There are many thing to start getting excited about in my changing life. What will wisdom and experience bring in the new season, the freedom and extra time. I still have more weddings, more graduations, amore kids to launch and more years to get older. There is plenty more dancing on the back deck, kegs to carry, and houses to paint. This is just a change of seasons and soon it will be summer again. May you have an awesome fall.

Flying Through Life

I am typing on my blackberry at 30,000 feet, flying on a Delta plane towards Salt Lake and ultimately Dallas. The plane flies smooth for awhile and then hits patches of bumpy air. I can feel the plane make small adjustments to its course along the way. Every once in awhile the Captain, who loves to say "You All," gives us a quick update. We are currently moving through the ski, and I am along for the ride. As I think about my flight I find myself smiling about how my life is very similar to flying. I fly along smoothly for periods of time without a concern. I can even put things on auto pilot and not pay to much attention. Then, without much warning the turbulence hits, life becomes bumpy. I'm not always sure what hit me or why. Sometimes I am caught without a seat belt on. When the rough ride starts I try to make all kinds of adjustments to get back to the smooth air. Funny thing in a way I am along for the ride. In other ways I am the captain, setting the course and trying to pilot my way through. Right now I am trying to pilot through Katee moving back home, that's why I am flying at the moment, Derek getting married, changes in how Darla and I are doing marriage, jobs, economy, and self. I realize that I fly my own plane and you fly yours. Sometimes we have the same flight plan and sometimes we don't. The mid course adjustments I am making will either make the flight more smooth or more rough, I get to decide how to navigate. I can't control what will hit, but I can decide how to fly through it. .Hoping your sky's are friendly. Rick Samuelson Administrator Avamere Rehab of King City

At This Moment In Time

Deck Project 003 I find myself once again on my back deck.  Derek and Evan are playing guitar, getting ready to play at a coffee house tomorrow night.  When they play I experience the joy and pain of their lyrics knowing that I have lived, or watched them live,much of their words with them.  As I listen I find that at this moment in time I am content.

As I listen to them I am also reflecting on my last week at work. There have been times recently I have wondered if I can really turn the facility I am in around.  I have wondered if I can lead.  I know my goals and expectations for myself are high, but I also know that those who entrust their loved ones to me deserve nothing less. This last week we were involved in our annual state regulatory survey, our report card and an outside look at all of our systems, delivery systems, and ultimately the care we give. Yesterday we found that out of 500 regulations that we are evaluated on in 15 areas, we cleared 498 of the regulations and 14 areas.  This places us among the top skilled and long term care facilities in Oregon. Many of my concerns about my own abilities have been answered.  As I reflect I find that at this moment in time I am content.

My mind wanders back over the last year of family and marriage. I recognize that we have been Deck Project 002 through a great deal of pain and hurt, confusion, questioning, growing, and figuring life out.  After 26 years we should be experts but instead we find we have many more questions that need answering.  We also have had much laughing, connecting in new ways, and times of standing strong together. As my mind wanders I find that at this moment in time I am content.

Sure the house needs painting, our car has been at the mechanics for two weeks with a blown engine, my neighbor wants us to cut down our favorite tree because of needles, Derek is getting married in a month and a half, and Katee graduates in two weeks. There is much I need to work on in my personal and professional life, and in my marriage, but at this moment in time I am content.

So for the next few moments, or maybe a little longer, I am going to sit here on my back deck and enjoy the fact that in the midst of a life filled with constant pressure, continual change, a future that can’t be read, I am content.  I hope those that read this can find those moments of contentment in the midst of all they face as well.

Connection in a Cyber World

Twitter, Facebook, Google Groups, Blogging., Skype.  Am I really becoming more connected.? I have friends followers, and I am a member.  I tweet, update, discuss, post and chat.  My world is ever expanding. But am I really more connected?  I have sat in the house on a sunny day checking to see what is happening in my on-line world, but am i somehow missing what is going on in the outdoor world.  Which world is real?  I can get lost in cyberland, or go downtown and get lost in Portland.  I can go hear music live or just listen in on Pandora. I don’t have to go out to shop I can just order online and have it show up. But again I ask am I really more connected.  I now get quick updates from my kids through text messaging, sometimes 10 or fifteen times a day.  I know where they are and what they are up to.  But it has been awhile since we hugged or touched in anyway.

For all that the new world has brought, it has not brought increased face to face connection.  What I long for and most enjoy is face to face time.  Connecting personally not cyberlly.  I need to figure out how to merge and mesh these two worlds that are colliding in such a way as to meet the many needs I have beyond the sharing of information.  And by the way, sharing of information is not my definition of connection.  Somehow I must learn to embrace and fight the changes at the same time.  To make it work for me. Saying I love you in a text message is not the same as saying it while in the midst of a hug.  LOL is not nearly as much fun as laughing out loud where others can hear you.  Typing to someone you care about is not the same as holding their hand. I would much rather do something with you, than to have you learn about it through my tweeting or updating.  Yet at the same time, there is a sense of connection that happens knowing that others know what I am up to. So yes, I am a little more connected. Maybe not in the ways I most want, but others do know what is happening in my life, to the extent I let them in. Thanks for connecting with me.

The Backyard

The wind is gently moving the leaves in the trees. The sound of a woodpecker knocking away on an unfortunate tree somewhere close by. Birds swooping down to the fountain to grab a quick drink.

Sitting in my backyard, enjoying all the sights and sounds can take me away from the stressful, frantic, life I live most days. My backyard is safe, free of pressure and demands. Plants grow as they desire, the squirrels play when they want, the bees fly into the flowers stay awhile and then move to the next. Why do we have to live so differently? I feel I can breathe in my backyard, I can dream, I can nap, I can slow down enough to feel my own heart beat and to listen to my own thoughts. It is no wonder that I dread the end of the Fall as we put the deck furniture away. I know why I get excited as Spring approaches and we start using the BBQ. It has to do with a state of mind that I find myself falling into on my back deck. Mornings I find myself drinking coffee listening to the wind. At night I am back outside listening to frogs and crickets. It is music that touches me deep down inside. It moves me in ways that Dave Mathews, the Foo Fighters, and Led Zepplin, cannot. I find I am a much better person after being in my backyard.

All of my senses come alive out back. I feel the wind on my toes, the sun warms my face, and the occasional needles from the tree fall on my arms. I hear the lawnmowers in the distance, the pinecones hitting the cover of the hot tub, the birds and squirrels chasing each other in the trees. I see the clouds slowly moving through the sky and the many, many, many shades of green that surround me. I smell the lilacs and mint, the fresh cut grass and the BBQs of my neighbors.

I am somehow a better person on my deck, a different person, the one who I would chose to be all of the time if I could. Out here I am free to just be. This is real life.

The Changing Tide

IMG00316 I am sitting in a tiny two room cottage, looking out over the ocean. The clouds are quickly moving across the sky, letting loose their rain across the sand. The waves are gray in color with white tops. There is no rhythm to the ocean today, just storm tossed waves coming across the horizon. The beach is littered with logs, shells, rocks, and various types of debris. On the table near the window is a tide chart, telling us when the tide will be in, and when it will be out. Tides are important to the casual sea shell gatherer, so we know when we are likely to find those rare finds brought in by the waves, and left behind as the tide pulls back to reveal what is hidden beneath.

Darla's Graduation 110In our home there is a changing tide. Darla has finished her masters degree. The tide of her hard work is starting to recede. It will be interesting to see what is revealed over time. Are there new opportunities that were before unrealized? Are there routines that were put in place during her absence that will now have to go to make room for her? And, how long until the tide returns? There is no tide chart for our family even though we know the tide will continue to change with time.

The one thing that the ocean teaches you is that as surely as the tide goes out, it will come back in. Sometimes there will be a rhythm and sometimes not. Sometimes it will be gray water and other times crystal blue. The goal is to find a way to enjoy it in all of its many facets, to see the adventure in each change, to not take for granted one moment, but to savor every little aspect. Just like life, just like our family.

Written at the beach on 5/6/09

Missteps in Life

As I started my day today, I found myself craving an Americano. There is something about the smell of espresso floating through the house, the first sip brining your taste buds to life, and the world slowly comes back into focus. Anticipating all of this I went to the fridge for the milk that would soften the bitterness of the espresso (I know, how can I truly appreciate the flavor and aroma if I dilute the pure coco bean with milk). I found the shelf for the milk empty and quickly tried to determine who would receive my wrath for not going to the fridge in the garage to get a new gallon. Retrieving my milk, I headed back up the stairs. While my toes made it to the step, my foot did not. I soon found myself, nose first, hitting the sixth step. My shins found the third step in a rather painful way, and various other parts of my body greeted steps four and five. I laid their thinking , “this is a fine way to start what could have been a great day.” Fortunately the milk was saved, and the Americano soon had me forgetting the misstep.

Finishing my coffee and reading my email, I suffered another misstep. While I didn’t fall, slip or trip physically, I did all of these things relationally and emotionally. I was asked to join someone in an activity of importance to them. It was in an area that we had previously negotiated and worked through. However, some time has passed, things had changed, and I found myself feeling stuck in the middle. I wrestled with, “Why wouldn’t they honor our previous thinking?, Hasn’t it been the earlier discussion that has allowed us to function in a healthy way, why would we want to move back to the old way?” I answered with a laugh, and an answer that was not thought through – a misstep. How do I honor my friend and myself at the same time? I was told, “I was asking you as a friend, I was hoping you would want to do it.” My thoughts were, “if you were treating me as a friend you would have thought about the early negotiations.” I really am not good at this stuff, the thinking quick, the being able to hold my ground and say yes to the things I “want” to say yes to, and no to the things I don’t. Instead I waffle and give non answers leaving others stuck with trying to interpret what I am really trying to say. I hate being so conflicted between people pleasing and doing what I need to do for me.

So my misstep has created conflict, frustration, made someone important to me furious. I am not sure how much of it has to do with me not responding like I used to, or me responding in a wrong way. All I know for sure is I would much rather misstep and hit the sixth step with my face, than misstep and hurt the people important to me. Either way, having a misstep hurts. Than again, life is full of missteps. It is how you work through and learn from them that is important. Do we grow and change, or do we get stuck and stay where we are. I am currently all about growth. I just hate that I keep hitting my shins over and over again.