Continuing to Learn

It is Saturday afternoon, and I am enjoying my favorite past time. Reading about things that interest me while smoking a cigar. Many who know me would assume it is the cigar that I enjoy most, but it truly is learning and expanding my knowledge about things that matter that excites me most. While I sit on my patio in 70 degree weather, I am catching up on news, sports, and the many other topics that find their way to my Ipad. Today, the article that has me thinking the most is 10 Lessons I Learned from the End of My Marriage by Lisa Arends.

Before you all make assumptions, I am not thinking of ending my marriage. I was not searching the Internet for articles on Divorce (It was actually Marriage that I was searching on). Rather, with Darla and I learning how to live together, apart, I was looking for insight that could help us stay more connected, more intimate, despite the introduction of miles. I have been wondering what changes will need to occur in my marriage in order for it to become stronger as life changes, careers progress, and we both continue to grow both individually and together. Some of the lessons Lisa talks about are very valuable.

Happiness is My Choice. Lisa talked about telling her husband that "He made her happy." She meant this as a way to tell him how important he was to her. However, she realized, that she was in charge of her own happiness, and that it was unfair to place that burden on her husband. I am a lot like Lisa. I often look to Darla to be the source of my happiness rather than take responsibility for my own. As a result I find myself sitting around waiting for Darla, thinking that a relationship means spending as much time as possible together. I can find myself feeling hurt when Darla makes choices to spend time with her friends or if her plans don't ALWAYS include me. How has a healthier view? It is not fair that I put Darla in a place of being responsible for my happiness. As I am away from home, I have had to do this for myself. And, when I come back home, it is sticking. This is such an important lesson, and one that I need to teach my kids and everyone else who struggles with this.

"Knew" is not the same as "Know". What I took away from this simple point is that we are all changing and growing. My spouse is not the same person she was at 13 when we met, at 20 when we married, at 46 when our oldest got married, or at 50 as I write this. I need to continue to work on getting to know my wife, and letting her know me. We are not the same and it only makes sense that our relationship is growing and changing as well. How awesome to think that our relationship is not stagnant. How sad to think that I often fight to keep it from changing instead of enjoying and anticipating what is unfolding as something different and exciting.

Life is not a Waiting Room. I would like to think that I live in the here and now, enjoying each moment. But I have to admit that I probably spend more time saving, planning, working towards the future. As a result I am missing out on what can be enjoyed each day. I don't want to miss out on life with Darla, by preparing to live life tomorrow. We have no idea of what tomorrow may bring. I need to make the best of today, and that means enjoying both with Darla and when Darla is not with me (and she usually is not with me when I am enjoying a cigar - imagine that).

Holding is out of Love; Clinging is out of Fear. I have been a clinger I am afraid. I can hear Darla telling me that sometimes I am suffocating her. I story it that I want to spend time with her, to be connected, but if I am truly honest, it is because I fear that she might grow tired of me, that I might not be enough for her, that the reason she is pursuing her doctorate is because I can not stimulate her thinking the way she needs. Love truly is about holding the relationship and Darla with an open hand, allowing her to grow and pursue her passions as she allows me to do the same. It is about seeing relationship as something that grows stronger by letting it expand rather than trying to control its direction and outcome.

So, all this to say, I am learning. I am learning more about me than about our relationship. I am seeing at almost 50, I still have a lot to learn. Lisa's article is just another reminder of things I need to work on as I continue to find ways to live my life and my relationship with Darla to the fullest. It also helps me not fear Living Together Apart. I am loving the journey.


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