A Day Away (pictures from the Oregon Coast)

 

  Every one in a while I have a day where I need to get away.  Away from work, away from home, away, away, away.  Yesterday was one of those days.  Over the last few weeks there has been a number of things that have come my way.  Issues regarding budgets and labor, quality, etc…. Issues at home regarding kids and marriage.  My feeling taken advantage of or that I don’t do things right, wondering what life should really look and feel like at 47 years old.  Some times getting away is the only thing that helps put things straight, or at least makes things a little clearer.

The place to escape is my car.  The windows go down, the music goes on, and the wheels start carrying me away.  Sometimes they take me fast, sometimes far and yesterday they took me to the coast.  So as I drove I would stop, take a few pictures then drive some more.  I would eat at favorite stops along the way.  I climbed sand dunes, I waited for trains, I found a bird house maker, and I watched the sunset.  And in between, while I drove, I would think and let my mind slowly try to see things in a slightly different way, much like the pictures I am trying to take.  I didn’t solve anything, marriage isn’t easier, kids aren’t better behaved, and my job didn’t get fixed miraculously.  But I feel a little better after getting away, and have a few cool pictures to show for it.  So maybe you can get away by looking at the pictures. Enjoy, I sure did.

The Day After (Gray’s Party)

What a contrast the day after is to the day of.  I move slower, I feel more mellow, there is kind of a let down from the excitement.  It is true of big games, weddings, vacations, birthdays, and parties.  The day of is all the nervous energy, the getting ready, the excitement, and the waiting.  The day after is the moving slow, reflecting on the time, the clean up, and the trying to conjure up enough energy to get on with the next task.  Gray’s party was no different.  Will people come, do we have enough food (and beer), is the video of his life ready to go, is the house clean?  The day after, where did all the bottles come from, why do we use dishes, what will we do with all this food, did people have a good time, who is sleeping in Katee’s room – cause Katee is in France?

This morning at 9:30am I am finally waking up.  The cob webs are thick.  My stomach has the day after eating a lot of  , or drinking a lot of sugar, blues.  Down stairs I can hear Evan doing dishes, Surf is being feed, and it is time to go assess the damage.  Yep it started pouring rain sometime during the night, we forgot to bring in the wood chairs, and a small table.  The counters are full of bowls and glasses, there is no music playing but no one really looks like they want to dance.  It is definitely the day after the party.  Timmy comes out of Katee’s unoccupied room, Darla has made some coffee and I make up some eggs for all of us with the left over beans, tortillas, salsa, guacamole, and other items left over from Gray’s party.  It is time to start trying to fuel up the engines for another day.

We all smile as we slowly talk about the day before and look at some pictures of the event.  We discussed who came early and who stayed late.  We wondered why Frank doesn’t like his picture taken, and Gracie discovering a bird in the bird house.  Why did people stay away from the Pico de Gallo and Guacamole – could it have been the habanera peppers?  All in all the day after is a time to move slow and rejuvenate for what comes next.

There are lots of day afters in our lives. The might seem like a let down but in many ways they are the start of the next phase or event in life.  We might lay low for awhile, but soon we get moving again, set a course of direction, and begin to gear up for the next “Day Of.”  I live for the “Day Of,” but recognize that I can’t do that without embracing the “Day After.”  Thankfully this one isn’t to rough, despite the number of empty bottles getting wet in the backyard as the rain pours, making this the perfect “Day After.”  Hope your enjoying your day after, what ever your day of happened to be.

A Walk in the Cemetery

 

Inspiration on Memorial Day

It’s Memorial Day 2010, and I find myself sitting in a quite family room.  The bunch that live here are all sleeping in this morning.  It gives me time to think, to reflect, to connect.  As I think about the Holiday, I find myself wondering why I am not inspired by the actions of those we are suppose to memorialize, those who gave their lives for our freedom, for our dreams, for our happiness.  I went to a cemetery yesterday to see if I could somehow better connect to those who gave so much so that I could watch a flat screen tv that connects directly to Netflix, or eat at Claim Jumper with its obscenely large portions, or use my cell phone to get work emails and reports on my day off.  I am not sure that those who died in the many wars realized they were fighting so we could argue about immigration, or whether or not we should legalize marijuana, or gay marriage or not gay marriage.  They fought for the things I still am desperately trying to obtain.  A sense of freedom, the ability to pursue my dreams, and the hope that happiness comes my way continuously. Sorry, but what those soldiers did doesn’t inspire me.

My inspiration today comes from someone I know who is living free, pursuing dreams and chasing what makes her happy.  At 22, almost 23, she has found ways to make her dream of traveling come true.  Today she leaves for France.  I get to take her to the airport. She has been working hard for the last 4 months saving her money, she found a nanny job to pay to get her their and cover the bulk of her expenses, she is getting her euro rail pass and has enrolled in school.  She is excited, packed, and ready to go.  When I watch her she does not seem bound by the things that I allow to bind me, those assumed rules, the learned rights and wrongs, or limit’s that we somehow place on ourselves.  She simply knows what she wants and has found a way to go after it.  What is cool is that she hasn’t given up on her dream, she is making it happen, and today she is on her way.  What I want to learn from Katee is that pursuing your dreams is ok, in fact it is right. That giving yourself permission to pursue those dreams is freedom, and that in moving towards those dreams is where happiness is often found.  Strangely I learn these lessons from my kids when I should be the one teaching the lessons, right????  Wait, that is one of those learned ideas that I have.  instead I should be saying, “How cool to learn lessons from my daughter.”  Katee, have a most awesome three months and I’ll see you at the airport when you get back.

Looking at Life

So a few months back I got a new toy, a Nikon Camera.  In College I took photography and was an accidental Art Minor, meaning I took so many art classes I minored in it with out realizing it.  Ceramics, Art History, and a number of other classes.  Ceramics and Photography were my favorites.  Because I don’t have room for a kiln in my backyard, I opted to explore my creative side once again with a camera.  Since then I have been having fun with exploring color, lighting, depth of field.  Taking pictures of the everyday but from a new or different perspective.  It is interesting to me to try and make the ever day interesting again.  Of course there is the ocean and sunsets and subjects that are always interesting to me, but all around us are things that scream to be looked at.  I have decided to post a few of my pictures here from time to time, as they are a reflection of my journey, of a look deeper inward  As I let myself see things again, I somehow am seeing myself more clearly again. Yes, I have even taken a picture of an occasional flower or two, weird I know.  So stay tuned as I try to get better and better at capturing life around me as it happens.  Here are a few recent pictures.

Emptiness

  Contemplation

Son Burn (my son)

Backyard Birdhouse

Begging to be Sat in

Hope you find them worth looking at.

Focus of the Week

I have been thinking through some of my life decision the last few weeks.  Decisions of where I went to school, of when I got married, career choices (I am on my third career at the moment), the cars I have purchased, the friends I have made, you name it, I have been looking back at it.  You can’t change any of those decision or the impact they have had on you, but you can hopefully learn from the good decisions and the bad, to make better ones in the future.

Last week a friend of mine called while we were both driving home from work.  We were talking through what we do each and every day.  Both of us do the same thing in different buildings.  While we both make good money, we were questioning whether the the stress, the amount of time, the way we seem to miss out on important events at home, and the fact that we come home to spent to focus on other pursuits, is worth all the money we are paid.  Would life be more enjoyable with less $$$$ but more of a quality of life.  I have been looking at what other people do for jobs, and while many don’t come with fancy titles, or large paychecks, I wonder if they are enjoying life more? 

I met with a man yesterday who is an Elder Law Attorney.  It was work related.  When I asked how he chose elder law he told me a story of being a Corporate Lawyer, doing very well, but having an experience with his aging father.  He decided to make a change. While his first few years he barely broke even, those were his favorite years of his professional life because he was doing something that gave him meaning and purpose.  He found his fit.  He began to enjoy life.  That is the question I am facing this weekend.  Am I enjoying MY life?  Does my current job allow me to enjoy MY life?  What does it look like to enjoy MY life? 

I follow a number of my friends, old and new, on facebook.  Some it is very apparent have answered this question.  I see a few doing jobs they love, like ceramics, or making soap and candles.  Others have jobs that let them do what they love, like act in plays, spend time with friends, or travel. Reading the many updates lets me know that it is possible to have a quality of life that is very enjoyable.  The pursuit of power, position, wealth, does not necessarily get you what your really want, enjoyment, satisfaction, peace, contentment. 

Guess I have a few things to think through this weekend.  That's why I like weekends, a chance to think, to consider, to wonder, to look at life from different angels.  This is one of those things I want to figure out.  I hope you are enjoying life.  If not, you can join me in my quest to figure out the answer to this area of my life.

Saturday In The Park? Not this Weekend

Every once in a while I wake up singing songs from the past.  This morning I caught myself fumbling through the words for “Saturday In The Park.” by Chicago.  Its not the fourth of July, I’m not living in Chicago, so the only logical explanation is that Saturday is here.  As it is 7 in the morning there are not many people laughing or dancing in my house. In fact, with the exception of Surf the Wonder Dog and my self they are all sleeping.  As the song continues to bounce through my head I find myself coming out of the sleepy fog I was in, my mind beginning to work, and a smile coming to my face.  I remember a cross country trip with my Dad, moving all of my Grandma’s stuff from California to Illinois.  Her car pulling a huge U-Haul We broke down before we even got across the boarder to Nevada.  Leaving her stuff behind we continued to our  drive through the Rockies, the Corn Fields of Nebraska, and into the land of Lincoln. What I remember most is my Dad laughing during the trip, and his Chicago tape playing in the background, over and over again (he didn’t care much for my Journey or Kansas tapes).

Its been awhile since I took a trip like that with my kids.  We did the “Surprise drive to Disneyland, next day at Magic Mountain, then back home, Marathon Trip".”  Evan and I did the “Drive through Montana, look for a college trip.”  We went to San Francisco on our “See Katee act, buy pipes, two flat tire, trip.”  And a year ago we did the “In Search of In-And-Out Burgers/Stop at Every Skate Park on the Northern California and Southern Oregon Coast trip.”  But even with those trips, I am finding myself needing to skip town with my kids, to head out on a new adventure for a few days, a week, or a month.  Something edgy like rock climbing, or back backing, or climbing Mount Hood.  Funny that having a song surface in your mind can take you down a path like that.

This Saturday in the Park will be no walk in the park.  The agenda is set.  Our Home Owners Association has graciously purchased a big metal dumpster of the enormous kind, to entice us all to do a yard spring cleaning.  Time to rake up leaves, prune branches, trim the hedge that is out of control, do some weeding, set up the back deck, and figure out what our summer, house to do list, will look like.  If we work hard this weekend, I won’t have to make a dump run this summer (Thanks HOA).  I will be able to sit back and just make sure the yard is watered, the deck is swept, and the Hot Tub stays running.  The smell of steak and chicken will soon be competing with the aroma of my cigars and those who join me in partaking. The cooler on the back deck will be full of an assortment of Oregon Micro Brews.  This one weekend of hard labor will be worth the benefit of relaxing over the next few weekends.  So while it won’t be Saturday In The Park today, I will soon be enjoying Saturday At the Beach, Saturday On a Hike, Saturday In the Mountains, Saturday In Seattle, You name it, I will be trying to do it on a Saturday.  Who knows I may even take one of those wild “Long” Weekend Trips with my kids to a neighborhood near you, because I spent this Saturday, in the yard.  May you use your Saturday wisely.

The Heating of the Hot Tub

I’m smiling again.  Sometimes its the simplest things that do that to me.  Today it is the fact that my hot tub is slowly heating up, getting ready for me to once again dip my toes in, do my “Ouch,ouch. ouch, ouch, its hoooooooootttttttttttt, sit down quick and try to breath, ritual.  I’ve been known to get up when I can’t sleep and sneak in at 3 or 4 in the morning.  I also have gotten up for a quick soak before getting ready for work.  I have been known to answer email on my blackberry, have a deep, intense discussion, or take a little nap, while relaxing in the warmth of my outdoor tub.

From my hot tub life takes on a slightly less stressful look.  It is a place of solitude in my backyard.  I watch birds, listen to music, and make plans for the future while sliding around and enjoying the bubbles.  I often drift back in time to hot tubs in Turtle Rock, Deerfield, the Colony and Northwoods.  Sneaking in and sneaking out made it that much more fun.  I taught a few of my kids to swim in my folks hot tub in Seattle.  Darla and I have talked through hard decisions while sitting in the dark out back and determined plans for the future while heating up to 102 degrees.

I religiously put in the chemicals so my sanctuary is ready for its patrons to come, sit, and partake.  As I get more and more excited my kids are returning from work.  Each one is asking when we will be able to slip on our suits and sink below the surface of the water.  Once again, the family will join together, not around a meal or an event, but around a giant tub that sits in the ground.  It is the simple things that the Sam Fam enjoys, and tonight you will find us in that favorite spot in our backyard.

A Normal Life, or Is It?

As I woke up this morning I felt a sense of relief sweeping over me. I was thinking, things are returning to normal. I don’t feel as stressed about work, Darla and I snuck out for a movie, I slept in until 8 am on a Sunday, Gray is up snowboarding, Katee is heading to work, and things are starting to feel right.  I need to go do the grocery shopping today, and I cleaned the bathroom yesterday so all is good.  I have a small list of around the house items to do, and a couple of bigger projects to consider.  All things considered life is feeling normal.

Then it hit me, “What is Normal?” A few years ago normal was spending the weekend watching soccer games from morning to night, driving all over Oregon to the various games.  It was flying to Florida or Colorado for meetings, it was working downtown, it was planning conferences and raising money. Rewind a little more, and it was watching Cartoons on Saturday morning, or Surfing with friends, figuring out what it meant to be married. What is normal?

Dictionary.com defines Normal as: 

nor·mal  /ˈnɔrməl/ [nawr-muhl] –adjective

1.conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.

As I read the definition I realized I don’t want a normal life.  I might say I do at times, but I don’t want my life to conform, or be common, to become regular.  I want life to be exciting, to be challenging.  I want my life to be anything but usual.  So why do I spend so much time wishing that things would get back to “Normal?” Why do I sometimes let it become normal? Over the last two months I have gone skiing in Canada, rock climbed at a hidden spot in Lake Oswego, learned to cook beef stroganoff, found a photography class to sign up for, danced at a wedding, fallen in love again with my wife, come close to being fired, become more aware of social issues, and the list goes on and on and on. This is not letting life be normal, this is experiencing life, it is enjoying what comes my way.  I sometimes confuse excitement and living, as being busy.  Sure I sometimes need to slow down and regroup, refuel, but I like life feeling like it is pushing me to new places, new things, new heights.  I want an un-normal life to be normal for me. At least that is what I am thinking this morning, as I sit on the couch i sit on every day, drinking my coffee just like every day, and consider what I will do today just like every day. I AM SO NORMAL.

For a Few More Moments

The sounds of morning are all around me.  The heater is blowing through the vents, an alarm rings somewhere upstairs and is being ignored, the fridge is humming across the kitchen, and Surfs long nails click on the hardwood floor as he paces waiting for someone to feed him.  Outside I can hear birds chirping, I see the squirrels playing on the fence, and I am amazed by the leaves that have overnight appeared on my favorite tree.  I wonder as I sit on the couch, sipping my Americano, why am I in such a hurry to get to work?  What awaits me that someone else can’t deal with. How important is it that I show up right on time, I never leave on time? 
Morning is a time for me to gather my thoughts, run through my schedule, psych myself up, it is a time to center.  It is also a time to take a few last deep breaths, to relax and enjoy a few more unpressured minutes.  I fight the urge to look at the email piling up on my BlackBerry, to flip open the laptop and check the days labor report, to call the Director of Nursing to make sure we have no pressing care issues.  Those things will all be there is 20 minutes.  Right now I am going to enjoy the morning, to smell the coffee, to smile at nothing, for a few more moments. 
I have again been thinking about how to control the pace of life, rather than letting it control me.  I have definitely not been in control these last weeks, or have I?  I determine how much focus to give certain areas.  I decide how much time to spend. I am not being forced to live life the way I do.  I have values, goals, and yes even fears, that guide the decision process I go through, but in the end they are my decision.  Pace has something to do with my enjoyment of life, my ability to see the simple things and not miss them along the way.  Pace affects the depth of my relationships and their richness. If pace has such an impact on life, I need to determine how to master the pace at which I live life.  So for now, I am going to enjoy my morning, for a few more moments.

A Lesson from a Walk

Today I took a walk with a new friend of mine. Her name is Gracie. She isn’t quite 4 feet tall yet, and I am guessing she is 5, maybe 6 years old tops.  We were heading through Cook Park on our way to a Sunrise Easter Service, walking through the trails in the woods.  The air was nice and cool, turning our cheeks red and making our fingers numb.  Her mom and dad we on the trail with us, and all of us were enjoying a change from normal.  As we all walked towards the dock and covered picnic area, Gracie would stop, seeing the smallest of flowers, a natural bird bath, or other detail easily missed  As we continued I started to wonder why I hadn’t seen all the things that Gracie was seeing before?  I walk through Cook Park every week. I quickly rationalized that Gracie is lower to the ground than I am, so it only makes sense that she would see those things and not me.  But as I kept watching her I noticed that it had nothing to do with her height.  It had more to do with her state of mind.  She wasn’t hurried, she wasn’t replaying a conversation from earlier in the morning, she wasn’t worrying what others on the trail might be thinking of her. And because of that she was seeing things that I was missing.  As we kept walking I continued to wonder, how many things was I missing each day because of stress, busyness, deadlines, and other distractions.  What was I walking by without noticing?  Have I missed opportunities to see into the hearts of my kids, when did I last notice the color of Darla’s eyes?  I have been better at noticing what is going on inside of me (thanks to my $90 an hour best friend, but am I missing the things going on all around me? There is a world out there just asking to be discovered.  It has been a while since I have noticed a sunset  or enjoyed the feeling of rain on my face.  This is a great time of year as flowers are blooming, leaves are coming back on the trees, the squirrels are running on our fence.  It is time to start seeing things again. I really want to be more like Gracie, noticing everything that is around me and getting excited by its color, or smell, or sound that it makes, or just being excited that I noticed at all.  Thanks for teaching me something Gracie.

Chronicles of Whistler III, A Week Away

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At this moment I sit on a small deck looking down the valley at snow covered peaks and green pine,  The sky is bright blue and cloudless.  A Cuban Cigar is giving off a favorite aroma of mine. My muscles are revealing their age after two days of incredible skiing down steep terrain, navigating a few bowls, and following Darla off trail. There is a smile on my face as I think about what a great time this has been of reconnecting to things that matter, like the beauty that surrounds me, times of relaxation, and the love of that most special person in my life.  Today the things that await me back home don’t seem to matter all that much (except for five other people who share my last name). 
The most pressing things at the moment are how to finish the remaining food in the fridge, what time to take a walk, where to take go to take some creative pictures that might someday be mounted and hung on a wall, and if I should pick up a book and read a little.  This is our wind down day, a few remaining hours until we return to what has become our busy lives. 
I’ve been trying to think of how I will describe our time to those that ask.  But how do you describe a sense of inner peace, a feeling of re-connectedness to yourself?  I could talk about the things we did, or the conversations had, the warmth of the sunshine as we rode the lifts, or the feeling of the cold on my face after falling in deep snow.  How do you explain laughing and smiling, and the fun of holding hands.  Would it make sense to anyone hearing me talk about how being with Darla feels like it did when I first met her and yet at the same time seems so much deeper and richer.  Would people understand that even though youth is all around me on the ski slopes and in the bars, I some how like being who I am at 46 more than who I was at 26. Maybe the best way to describe it is just to say, “It was better than awesome.”
The one question I will leave here with is – Why?  Why don’t I do this more often?  Why is my loyalty more to my job than to myself and to the relationships that matter to me?  Why don’t I pursue the experiences, feelings, and thoughts I have had this last week, on a regular basis?  It seems that I have a habit of letting things that don’t matter crowd out things that do.  So heading back home, that is my new challenge, to keep things prioritized as they should be.  To keep my vacation going, or at least the things that I am learning, even when I am no longer on one.
I love how getting away can bring things into focus.  It has been a great vacation.  I need to start planning the next one.

Chronicles of Whistler II

As we drove into Whistler we were holding our breath.  Would the room be nice, would the bed be comfy, would there be enough to do if I couldn’t ski (thanks deep cut on the bottom of my foot), would there be a view.  Of course it is dark when we pull in, our plan is to figure out our plan of attack, unpack, and get something to eat.  Not necessarily in that order.  Having a plan sounds good.  We didn’t have one before we left home. We forgot to print up directions so of course we used Google maps.  Then we get a helpful email from T-Mobile telling us that we are paying per the megabit for internet on our phones.  So, off go the phones.  Oh Yeah, there is this thing called Canadian money and exchange rates, might want to know the rate exchange before you cross the border.  Remember that stuff in elementary school called liters, kilometers, and other things you didn’t really bother to learn,  makes it tough when buying gas or trying to figure out how much longer it is going to take to get to your condo.  So a plan of attack sounds good, at least an idea or two.  By the way, Condo is awesome, bed not to comfortable, view priceless.  Plans are to ride the Peak to Peak Gondola, Zip Line, Check out the Whistler Village, determine which night(s) to enjoy the night life, ski, snow shoe, cross country ski, etc…  So there aren’t enough days to do all we want to do.  No problem, we don’t do real well following a plan.  We really just wake up, look out the window, and decide what we feel like doing.  Today, I feel like moving slow and enjoying not having to have a plan.

Chronicles of Whistler

Sometimes everything goes right, and other times it goes wrong.  I am waiting to see which one of those times this will be. For the last year Darla and I have waited for this week to come.  It is the celebration of our 25th year of being married.  In typical Rick and Darla fashion, we are celebrating it almost three years late. That is right on time for us.  You would think with all the time to pre-plan we would have our ski’s lined up, the bars and restaurants planned, directions printed, etc… but that wouldn’t be our style, or as my nephew Nate would say, “That’s not the way we roll.”  Instead, a last minute meeting at Darla’s work comes up, no biggy, we push our leave day back a day.  Taking a shower on Friday, I decide its a good day to slip and cut my foot.  Stitches shouldn’t slow us down to much or mess with our plans to ski.  Despite it all we are getting excited.  Whistler Canada here we come.  Hope all the Olympic crowds have gone home before we get there.  Hope there is snow on the mountain, Hope it is a great time of reconnecting with each other.  Its been a long wait for this weekend.  So far all the things going slightly wrong have not kept this vacation from being soooooo right.  

Becoming Creative Again

I finally have a new toy.  Something I have talked about getting for a year but just couldn’t bring myself to spend the money on.  I’m not sure why it took so long.  Maybe I liked playing the martyr, saying I was sacrificing what I wanted for the good of the family. It could be that I like to feel sorry for myself, but ultimately I think that getting my new toy would mean I would have to use it, and what if I was unable to get the enjoyment out of it that I would like to?  What if I couldn’t master it?  What if it failed to make me happy?  Why do I over think so many things in my life?
I went out and I bought a digital camera.  Not the quick shot kind, but the nice SLR type.  The kind I used in my college photography class, back when I was younger and full of creativity.  I wonder if I still have any creativity left, or if it has all been replaced by number crunching, people management, marketing plan, day to day type thinking.  That is the world I live in today.  I don’t slow down a whole lot anymore to see the beauty in simple things, to enjoy what is going on around me. to think about a single moment in time.  That is what a picture can do.  It stops time.  It sees only what is there and nothing else.  It captures the moment, not the future or the past.  At the moment of the click life stops and it is what it is.
My goal with the new toy is to allow it to open me up to my creative side again, to help me get in touch with parts of me that have been neglected, to live in a different part of my brain for small portions of time.  Part of the fun is going to places I wouldn’t necessarily go, like rock climbing, or to a bus yard at night.  I enjoy seeing how shadows and light change the way things look.  I like capturing people in the moment. There is something about taking the ordinary and making it extraordinary.  While it doesn’t matter where I find the pictures, it matters how they are captured.  Does it honor the subject, help people see it more clearly or differently, in a new way or forgotten way.  While I don’t have a subject matter I am pursuing just yet (I am trying to remember how aperture and shutter speed work again), I am finding myself opening up to things again.  Everything is a potential photograph.  Watch out if you don’t like your picture taken, I might be right around the corner with a long lens snapping a few of you. 
Take a look at a few of my recent pictures and tell me what you think.

Good Friends

Over the last few months I have been thinking a lot about friends and friendship.  It seems that everywhere I look people are hanging out with friends, enjoying time together, laughing, connecting, sharing.  That is everyone but me.  I seem to be trying to figure out how to make friends, where to find them, how to be one.  Many of you have heard me talk about my $90 an hour best friend.  I don’t want to discount that it any way.  He listens to everything I say, he asks the tough questions, than he says times up, takes my $90 an hour, and says, “See you next week.”  I leave feeling better, he leaves with a little more cash.
There are the life long friends, the work friends, the superficial – good time friends.  Some friends are deep, others make you laugh, some seem to really care about you, and others are there because of what they can get. As I have been thinking about this, I realize that I do have friends, and lots of them.  They fit in all the categories. Some live close and others live far.  Some you long to spend time with and others you just need a few minutes from time to time. Friends fill a need deep within my soul.  Its a need to be known, a need to be liked, a need to be pursued, a need to feel that you matter to someone other than yourself. I need those kinds of friends.
Maybe it is just the time of life I am in that has me contemplating these types of things.  Maybe it is reconnecting with old friends through Face Book – not sure that sharing what I am doing everyday is really developing those friendships again, but its a start, that has me wondering about what type of friend I was, or am.
Last week Darla and I headed to Las Vegas.  It wasn’t to gamble or party, or hit the shows, it was to reconnect with some of the most important people in our lives. The friends that have lived the tough, ugly stuff, with us.  The ones that have stood with you when life was at its best and when it was at its worst.  The ones that talk you down from the ledge before you jump, not by yelling at you from the ground, but by standing next to you, willing to jump with you if that’s what you decide to do. We have all walked through kid issues, marriage issues, job issues, tough decisions, and the rawness of life together.  These are the down and dirty, deep friends.  The friends that don’t feel the need to look their best, because they know you’ve seen them at their worst.  The kind you can be real with, your true self, if you choose to be.  Sure we danced, we drank, we hot tubed, we ate, we laughed, and took pictures (I have been asked not to post on Face Book – I will honor the request but I still don’t agree).  But what was most memorable was the reconnecting.  In a sense it was recommitting to one another, to be there through the next part of our lives.  To be a phone call away if needed, to keep asking tough questions and sharing the hard things.  In Vegas terms, it was a chance for us to go “All In,” with each other, and in many ways we did.  I am sure things were shared during the weekend that don’t get shared with many others in our lives.  To you who I spent a weekend in Vegas with, thanks for letting me be me.  For those of you who weren’t there, I know why I ask the questions about friends, and often wonder if I have any.  It is because people like the ones I spent time with in Vegas are rare.
But they aren’t my only friends, and I need to realize that.  There is the invite for a beer, the phone call to see how I am doing during a tough week, the voice message that starts off “Hi Handsome.” There is the text message that brightens up the day, and the wall post that reminds you that someone is thinking about you.  Thanks you guys, your awesome.  I need you all.  It is great to wake up this morning and realize I have many, many, many, awesome friends.  Each on of you is important and has impacted me in some way.  Thanks for being my friend.

Evan Turns 21

As I sit on the couch looking outside the window, the rain is once again pouring down.  Its not that surprising, after all this is Portland and rain is the norm.  What makes today different isn’t the fact that I am taking a day off, or that Darla and I are both relaxing while drinking coffee and typing on our key boards, its the fact that today is the 21st birthday of my son Evan.  He will spend today making beer with Derek, legally drinking in a bar with friends, and enjoying his first adult New Years. 

He is no longer the little boy who used to run full speed in circles, without noticing that each loop brought his head closer to the picnic table.  He also is no longer the the kid leaning back on the slide laughing before slipping and tumbling head first down the stairs. He is no longer that child being expelled from junior high for sneaking a sip of alcohol in the boys bathroom, or the only one who in anger would leave a left handed dent in the bonus room wall. Today he is the man who did all those things and has continued to learn, grow, and mature through them and countless other stories just like them. 

Today, Evan is the responsible one who is figuring life out, is concerned with his impact on the world and how he uses its many resources. He is the explorer who is enjoying the outdoors and what he can learn about himself, others and life, while hiking, climbing, planting, and anything else he can do outside.  He is the student who is challenging his mind while considering new ideas and thoughts and ways of being.  He is the reader and thinker, enjoying a new book or engaging in a deep conversation.  He is the lover of people and life, helping his dad hang Christmas lights, playing games with his brothers, sharing rides with his sister, taking walks with his mom, writing music or hanging with friends. He is the leader who shares what is important to him and invites/enlists, others to join him. Today marks a rite of passage.  Nothing much really changes, while at the same time the entire world seems to open up to you.  Evan may be ready to take on the world, I’m just not sure if the world is ready to take on Evan.

As a Dad, you child turning 21 is bitter sweet.  You are excited for him, you wish him all the experiences you have had and all those that you didn’t.  You anxiously await seeing what path he will chose in life and how he will manage its many complexities.  You also realize that your role in his life is changing, you are no longer the teacher or the coach, you become the bystander, cheering and encouraging from the sidelines as he runs his own race.  You wonder if you will be needed anymore and if so, will you be able to deliver what is sought.  You realize that you are getting older and it is now your child, becoming a man, who along with others like him, will be changing the future.  And, while you think about these things you realize you are smiling, because all is as it should be.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVAN

Love Dad

Lusting after Things

So I am experiencing something I never anticipated regarding my daughter. I always new I would be jealous of my kids youth, their ability to do things athletically that I can no longer do, their taking risks skiing or surfing, that I am no longer willing to take. I knew I would be envious of their experiencing things that I had never experienced, or having opportunities that I had never had. Those things I anticipated and knew were coming. But I failed to realize that there would be somethings that would occur that would rock me deep at my core level, and ignite an ugly, selfish, covetous side of me. It has to do with the things they are accumulating. Things that I want. Things that I deserve more than they do.

It started way back when Evan got the first IPod of the family. Something so small, so simple, created so much lust deep down inside me. How could it be that he got one before me. My focus then turned to the Play Stations, Xboxes, and Wii’s. Sure I bought these for Derek, Evan and Gray as presents, I became a partner in purchasing some, but they knew how to play the games, to master them. They had the time to play while I watched and felt the ugliness of my envy grow. Then Evan and Katee came home from college with Apple Computers, new and shiny. They didn’t even have to pay for them. But yesterday, it all became so clear to me, how deep this sickness inside me runs. It happened as Katee came home in a Red BMW 318i. It doesn’t matter that it was recently in an accident and the hood needs to be repaired. Who cares that it is a 1991 and not a 2009. It has a Sun Roof. It is a manual transmission and is built for racing. It has awesome tires and a great sound system. She got it for a steal, and once she gets it fixed up she will have still spent less money than it is worth. I am jealous of my daughter, green with envy as they say, lusting after something she possesses and I do not. My friends know I have special names for the cars I want and the cars I have. There is the family of “Circle Cars” – BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, the ones that I want. Then there are the “Label Cars” – Chevy, Ford, Honda, the ones I have had. It is all based on the emblem. It is the Circle Cars that I desire right now in my life. I have always placed them out of reach, not practical, something to desire but never to have. However, Katee has changed that. She has one. She has moved that which seemed only a fantasy, and brought it into reality. It sits outside my window, right in front of my house. It is real, I have ridden in it. My daughter has what I have only dreamed of. She has a Circle Car. She has reached my elusive goal without even trying.

I am left pondering how it is Katee got there before me. She does not make the money I make, she does not even lust after circles, crave circles, desire circles, the way I do. To her it is just a cute car to get her back and forth to school and work. How can she think of a circle car that way. What has kept me all these years from having what my daughter now claims as her own? Now that she has shown me the path to the Circle Cars, I am thinking it won’t be long until I have one of my own, but who would have thought that it would be my daughter to show me the way. Thank you Katee for showing me it is possible. Thank you Katee for showing me the path. And, Katee – if you see me looking at your car in a strange way, just know I am thinking how one day I can join the ranks with you of being the proud owner of that elusive Circle Car.

Ain’t no Substitution for the Real Thing

A few months back, Darla and I found ourselves in a Bed and Breakfast in Tyler Texas. We were there to celebrate our daughters graduation and bring her back home to start life. Next to our bed was a little gadget that reproduced certain sounds to help us fall asleep and keep us from hearing the other guests and traffic noise. We had the tropical rain forest, we had something with crickets, and there was the ocean. If you listened closely it would repeat itself, the waves would crash the same way over and over and over again. Today as I was walking along the water I couldn’t help but think “There Ain’t No Substitution For The Real Thing.” I was caught up by the sound of the waves, and how there was no wave that sounded the same. It was therapeutic and real. The same is true of the New Coke vs. Old Coke, Equal vs Sugar, Miracle Whip vs Mayonnaise, substitutes just don’t cut it. I hate skiing on artificial snow and will never put up a fake Christmas Tree. I once used Quick Tan instead of waiting for the Sun to bake me brown, and instead turned myself a funny shade of orange. Their ain’t no substitution for the real thing. I could continue the list down many different paths, but you get the idea.

Yesterday, Darla and I were experiencing day two of our mini vacation. We have found that we often need two days to get through all of the catch up talk, before getting to the real conversation. Real conversation is conversation that takes place at a heart level. It has to do with what is really going on within. It is were there is real sharing. Sometimes it hurts to say what your saying, sometimes it hurts to hear what is being said, but it is where real communication takes place, and there ain’t no substitution. When it occurs you know it.

In yesterdays, real conversation, we were discussing our life. Twenty-six years of being together, thirty years of being in love, thirty-four years of being friends. We were talking about knowing ourselves and trying to be who we are, who we were meant to be. We touched on so many different things, our struggles to get life right, my people pleasing tendencies, and my feelings that I had let Darla down by not becoming who I thought she wanted me to become. To be fair to Darla, what I just wrote and want you to hear is, “who I thought she wanted me to become,” and not, what she had told me she wanted me to become. As I finished, she looked at me and said, “I fell in love with you as the High Schooler, trying to figure things out. The one who was trying things, experimenting, learning. Not this spiritual, have it all together, know what’s up with life guy.” In that moment, I was hit with a life altering,truth. Darla has always loved me for who I am, not who I am becoming. I don’t have to try and please her, or be something I think she wants me to be. She already loves me. What an incredibly freeing truth. When I drink, she loves me. When I act stupid, she loves me. When I trip over the stuff of life, she still loves me. She may not always like me, but she loves me. What more could I ask for.

I am not sure how many of you will see this as something profound. If you know me and understand all that I struggle with in my life, you will know this is huge. I don't have to hide things, and can just be me. That is who I was when Darla fell in love with me. I can go on continuing to find out who I am, not trying to be who I’m not.

For Darla and I a two day trip never works. Three is a minimum and four is better. There is no substitution for the Ocean, and none for real conversation. There is absolutely no substitution for Darla’s love in my life. May you experience the real thing

Time Away at Rockaway Beach

Time away at Rockaway

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It’s the middle of the week and back in Portland is a meeting that I am missing. Missing is actually the wrong word because that would imply that I wish I was there instead of where I am, and I much prefer where I currently am sitting. Out the window it is lightly raining making everything damp with the occasional dripping off the patio hand rail that surrounds the deck in front of our small bungalow. The beach grass is bending in the wind, and the sand has no one walking on it as far as you can see. Darla lies napping in the big chair, enjoying the need to do nothing but relax and slow down.

Stormy weather at the beach is good. It invites you to take it easy. No need to feel like you have to walk the beach or throw a stick for Surf the Wonder Dog. Storm waves don’t call me to put on a wet suit and pull out the board, nor did I even bring them along on this trip. My purpose over the next few days is to do what I want to do, when I want to do it. I will sleep and nap, not because the clock, or light outside says its time, but because my body is desiring it. I will eat when I feel a bit hungry, not because it is lunch time. I will walk on the beach as I feel like enjoying the cool wind in my face and listening to the sound of the waves. I have turned off my phones ability to get email (although, I can still get calls if the world must find me), and am resisting the urge to check. I am on vacation and I’ll be damned if anyone is going to rob me of this time.

We are back at the same place we came at the beginning of the summer. The blue chairs are still sitting out at the edge of the small bluff, where you can overlook the sand, waves, and twin haystack rocks. But while the chairs have not moved from the summer, the scenery is very different. The sky is gray, not blue, the waves are stormy not sparkling in the sun, the sand is hard and crunchy, not the summer soft. While looking at the landscape I also find myself looking at me, and I realize that while I am the same person, coming back to the same place, I am somehow different as well. I am a little more mellow than I was six or seven months ago. I feel a bit more content. I am able to relax and enjoy where I am at in life, and the process I am in of understanding my self better. The beach, this beach, is a reminder that while places and people are the same, all things are constantly changing. me included. To fight against that is like fighting the ocean tide. You can’t do it. So for the next few days I will enjoy watching the birds, walking the dog, talking with Darla, and reflecting on my life. And, as a result, I will return home a little more aware of who I am and what I need. Where I am in life, and where I want to continue going. And, a whole lot better because of it.

There will be more meetings to go to next week, next month, next year. There will be plenty of emails to read when I turn the phone back on, or log in on the computer. But for now, I will enjoy the moment that I am in, watching the waves, wind and rain, and being thankful for some time to slow

A Walk Down Memory Lane

October 29

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I remember when a walk down memory lane meant that Dad was pulling out the old Kodak Slide Projector. It was the one with those funny round trays full of the hundreds of slides taken over the years. Mom would make pop corn. while the kids would get the screen out of the closet We would all laugh and cringe as different pictures came up. Mom and Dad would apologize about the lost years, the ones in which the camera was broken, so there were no pictures about the life of one of us kids. It helped us remember where we had come from. When we would question if we ever liked each other, we would see pictures of hugging and laughing and parties, and, and, and. It was always good to remember.

Today I took a walk down memory lane in a different way, a new way. It wasn’t a long look back, only the last year or two. I went back to re-read my old bloggings. It is eye opening to take a look back at what you were struggling with, or working through in life. I use my blog much like I would guess many use a diary. I try to capture thoughts, feelings, emotions, I am experiencing. I usually use it after I have had some time to reflect on an issue or area of my life. There is something therapeutic about writing it down in such a way that others can ask me questions about it. So today I read back, and in many ways relived some great memories, some hard lessons, remembered some things I have been trying to forget. I thought about deleting the past blogs, but then realized there is a lot about me in them. How could I just remove my past from being. So the blog and all it reveals remains. Not many read it, but than it really isn’t about getting people to read it as much as it is about getting it out of my head and into the open. It is really about me and not you. However, you are welcome to read, and ask questions about. Maybe it can make both of us better in the long run.

So if you get a chance, take a new walk down memory lane, however you stored your memories, or thoughts, or ideas. It is a good trip to take from time to time.

Andy Loved Being Andy

I went to the funeral of a friend yesterday. A very Catholic funeral with all the sitting and standing, beautiful stained glass windows, lots of nice things being said. There was talk of Heaven and Hell, goodness and badness, and a chance to reflect on the kind of person he was, and you are. Towards the end of the time I was struck with something his brother said, “Andy loved being Andy.”

Out of all that was said in the service, what had the biggest impact on me were those four little words, “Andy loved being Andy.” I started me thinking, does “Rick like being Rick?” and do most people like being who they are, or do they wish to be someone or something different than simply what they are? If I truly loved being who I am, I would quit trying to be what I think everyone else wants me to be. I would be satisfied with what I have, what I do, my skills and abilities, my loves and dislikes, etc… I wouldn’t wish I was more like you, or had what you have, or could do what you do. Those four words speak of a deep down contentedness, a sense of peace with yourself. To be at that place, would be a starting point to truly enjoy all that is around you. To be able to live in the moment, completely. I truly want to “Love being Me.” To not feel like I have to give a reason for why I am the way I am, or to justify why I do what I do. To just be me, and to be ok with being me, sounds like a good place to be (is it bad English to but 3 be’s in the same phrase?}

Andy loved being Andy, I hope you “Love Being You,” for each of us are unique, special, one of a kind. Grab hold of that, and quit trying to be what your not. Enjoy the moment.

Looking Backwards, Looking Forwards

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Often times I forget I am 46 years old. Sure I look in the mirror every morning, but it doesn’t register that the guy looking back at me isn’t still 18. Yeah, I am a little more stiff when I get out of bed now, but I used to feel that way after football practice in high school. I realize at 24 hour fitness, when I push the weights, the setting is a lot lower than it was 28 years ago, and the scale is a lot higher, but that is just being out of shape, not being older, right?

Last week a picture floated through the Face Book community I am friends with. It was of a happy time, a fun time, a younger time. It was of a retreat we were all on in high school It caused me to go back and search through old photo’s of past events, great memories, and awesome friends. As I looked I went through a variety of emotions. I laughed as I remembered things like a birthday kidnapping, or parachute jumps from 3 inches high. I thought about friends I have long since lost touch with and realized I had failed to keep up relationships. I felt anger, that I had to move at such a great time in my life. And, I was shocked to see, realize, be confronted with, the fact that I am no longer 18.

Why would I think that? Three of my four kids are older than 18. I have a wife, kids, job, house, cars, and responsibility, that I didn’t have at 18. What keeps me holding on to that past vision of myself? Was it really a better time than now, or just a time in life that I remember in a slanted way?

The pictures, while of the past, brought me to reality, to this point and time, to a 46 year old, slightly overweight, man, with wisdom and experience that no 18 year old could ever have. They reminded me of the feelings I had at 18, the desire to experience the moment and enjoy every opportunity. I realize that by holding on to that desire, I can continue to feel and act 18, for each moment is new, and life continues to offer great enjoyment.

It is time to let go of wanting to still be 18, and realize that I am “still that 18 year old “ in a slightly used, but much better, me.

Thanks for great memories my friends.

A Changing of Seasons

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A cold chill has returned to the morning air, making coffee on the back deck a little less enjoyable. The squirrel and blue jay that I spend time with each morning seem a little more focused on the task of gathering and preparing for winter then on entertaining me with their playfulness. The sun seems less warm and I feel within me a need to start getting things ready for the coming rain and snow.

This has been a different kind of summer. While we got away we didn’t get to relax. While we had plenty of fun together I am not sure it was enjoyable. There were parties for Darla’s graduation, Katee,s graduation, birthdays, and weddings. It was definitely a summer of celebration. Trips to Texas and Seattle, allowed us to get away. There was even a brief pause for our Anniversary. But it was also a summer in which I sensed the passing of time more than ever before. Who doesn’t have a child get married and not realize that things are changing? With all the activity I couldn’t help but think that each task completed, each day finished, each party and celebration enjoyed, was somehow bringing us closer to the beginning of a change I have tried to ignore. Our family will be changing from now on. Rather than raising kids, we will be moving into the stage of launching them on their own course. We will watch them face the challenges that we had to learn to navigate,. And, I won’t be able to protect and guide like I have done to this point. In many ways I feel my role is coming to an end, and I am not sure what place I will have in their lives in the future. In many ways with Derek and Rachel’s wedding I now feel old. I now feel the aches and pains more than ever when painting the house, working in the yard, fixing the hot tub or carrying a keg from the car to the patio. the 46th birthday and 26th Anniversary of this summer only serve to remind me that I am not who I once was. I am older, heavier, slower, and a little more contemplative than i was at 20,30 or even 40.

As the season changes from summer to fall, I realize my life is changing as well. I love summer, and I have loved my youth. Yet I am anticipating the changing of leaves, the Holiday gatherings, the possibility of snow. There are many thing to start getting excited about in my changing life. What will wisdom and experience bring in the new season, the freedom and extra time. I still have more weddings, more graduations, amore kids to launch and more years to get older. There is plenty more dancing on the back deck, kegs to carry, and houses to paint. This is just a change of seasons and soon it will be summer again. May you have an awesome fall.

Flying Through Life

I am typing on my blackberry at 30,000 feet, flying on a Delta plane towards Salt Lake and ultimately Dallas. The plane flies smooth for awhile and then hits patches of bumpy air. I can feel the plane make small adjustments to its course along the way. Every once in awhile the Captain, who loves to say "You All," gives us a quick update. We are currently moving through the ski, and I am along for the ride. As I think about my flight I find myself smiling about how my life is very similar to flying. I fly along smoothly for periods of time without a concern. I can even put things on auto pilot and not pay to much attention. Then, without much warning the turbulence hits, life becomes bumpy. I'm not always sure what hit me or why. Sometimes I am caught without a seat belt on. When the rough ride starts I try to make all kinds of adjustments to get back to the smooth air. Funny thing in a way I am along for the ride. In other ways I am the captain, setting the course and trying to pilot my way through. Right now I am trying to pilot through Katee moving back home, that's why I am flying at the moment, Derek getting married, changes in how Darla and I are doing marriage, jobs, economy, and self. I realize that I fly my own plane and you fly yours. Sometimes we have the same flight plan and sometimes we don't. The mid course adjustments I am making will either make the flight more smooth or more rough, I get to decide how to navigate. I can't control what will hit, but I can decide how to fly through it. .Hoping your sky's are friendly. Rick Samuelson Administrator Avamere Rehab of King City

At This Moment In Time

I find myself once again on my back deck.  Derek and Evan are playing guitar, getting ready to play at a coffee house tomorrow night.  When they play I experience the joy and pain of their lyrics knowing that I have lived, or watched them live,much of their words with them.  As I listen I find that at this moment in time I am content.

As I listen to them I am also reflecting on my last week at work. There have been times recently I have wondered if I can really turn the facility I am in around.  I have wondered if I can lead.  I know my goals and expectations for myself are high, but I also know that those who entrust their loved ones to me deserve nothing less. This last week we were involved in our annual state regulatory survey, our report card and an outside look at all of our systems, delivery systems, and ultimately the care we give. Yesterday we found that out of 500 regulations that we are evaluated on in 15 areas, we cleared 498 of the regulations and 14 areas.  This places us among the top skilled and long term care facilities in Oregon. Many of my concerns about my own abilities have been answered.  As I reflect I find that at this moment in time I am content.

My mind wanders back over the last year of family and marriage. I recognize that we have been through a great deal of pain and hurt, confusion, questioning, growing, and figuring life out.  After 26 years we should be experts but instead we find we have many more questions that need answering.  We also have had much laughing, connecting in new ways, and times of standing strong together. As my mind wanders I find that at this moment in time I am content.

Sure the house needs painting, our car has been at the mechanics for two weeks with a blown engine, my neighbor wants us to cut down our favorite tree because of needles, Derek is getting married in a month and a half, and Katee graduates in two weeks. There is much I need to work on in my personal and professional life, and in my marriage, but at this moment in time I am content.

So for the next few moments, or maybe a little longer, I am going to sit here on my back deck and enjoy the fact that in the midst of a life filled with constant pressure, continual change, a future that can’t be read, I am content.  I hope those that read this can find those moments of contentment in the midst of all they face as well.

Connection in a Cyber World

Twitter, Facebook, Google Groups, Blogging., Skype.  Am I really becoming more connected.? I have friends followers, and I am a member.  I tweet, update, discuss, post and chat.  My world is ever expanding. But am I really more connected?  I have sat in the house on a sunny day checking to see what is happening in my on-line world, but am i somehow missing what is going on in the outdoor world.  Which world is real?  I can get lost in cyberland, or go downtown and get lost in Portland.  I can go hear music live or just listen in on Pandora. I don’t have to go out to shop I can just order online and have it show up. But again I ask am I really more connected.  I now get quick updates from my kids through text messaging, sometimes 10 or fifteen times a day.  I know where they are and what they are up to.  But it has been awhile since we hugged or touched in anyway.

For all that the new world has brought, it has not brought increased face to face connection.  What I long for and most enjoy is face to face time.  Connecting personally not cyberlly.  I need to figure out how to merge and mesh these two worlds that are colliding in such a way as to meet the many needs I have beyond the sharing of information.  And by the way, sharing of information is not my definition of connection.  Somehow I must learn to embrace and fight the changes at the same time.  To make it work for me. Saying I love you in a text message is not the same as saying it while in the midst of a hug.  LOL is not nearly as much fun as laughing out loud where others can hear you.  Typing to someone you care about is not the same as holding their hand. I would much rather do something with you, than to have you learn about it through my tweeting or updating.  Yet at the same time, there is a sense of connection that happens knowing that others know what I am up to. So yes, I am a little more connected. Maybe not in the ways I most want, but others do know what is happening in my life, to the extent I let them in. Thanks for connecting with me.

The Backyard

The wind is gently moving the leaves in the trees. The sound of a woodpecker knocking away on an unfortunate tree somewhere close by. Birds swooping down to the fountain to grab a quick drink.

Sitting in my backyard, enjoying all the sights and sounds can take me away from the stressful, frantic, life I live most days. My backyard is safe, free of pressure and demands. Plants grow as they desire, the squirrels play when they want, the bees fly into the flowers stay awhile and then move to the next. Why do we have to live so differently? I feel I can breathe in my backyard, I can dream, I can nap, I can slow down enough to feel my own heart beat and to listen to my own thoughts. It is no wonder that I dread the end of the Fall as we put the deck furniture away. I know why I get excited as Spring approaches and we start using the BBQ. It has to do with a state of mind that I find myself falling into on my back deck. Mornings I find myself drinking coffee listening to the wind. At night I am back outside listening to frogs and crickets. It is music that touches me deep down inside. It moves me in ways that Dave Mathews, the Foo Fighters, and Led Zepplin, cannot. I find I am a much better person after being in my backyard.

All of my senses come alive out back. I feel the wind on my toes, the sun warms my face, and the occasional needles from the tree fall on my arms. I hear the lawnmowers in the distance, the pinecones hitting the cover of the hot tub, the birds and squirrels chasing each other in the trees. I see the clouds slowly moving through the sky and the many, many, many shades of green that surround me. I smell the lilacs and mint, the fresh cut grass and the BBQs of my neighbors.

I am somehow a better person on my deck, a different person, the one who I would chose to be all of the time if I could. Out here I am free to just be. This is real life.

The Changing Tide

I am sitting in a tiny two room cottage, looking out over the ocean. The clouds are quickly moving across the sky, letting loose their rain across the sand. The waves are gray in color with white tops. There is no rhythm to the ocean today, just storm tossed waves coming across the horizon. The beach is littered with logs, shells, rocks, and various types of debris. On the table near the window is a tide chart, telling us when the tide will be in, and when it will be out. Tides are important to the casual sea shell gatherer, so we know when we are likely to find those rare finds brought in by the waves, and left behind as the tide pulls back to reveal what is hidden beneath.

In our home there is a changing tide. Darla has finished her masters degree. The tide of her hard work is starting to recede. It will be interesting to see what is revealed over time. Are there new opportunities that were before unrealized? Are there routines that were put in place during her absence that will now have to go to make room for her? And, how long until the tide returns? There is no tide chart for our family even though we know the tide will continue to change with time.

The one thing that the ocean teaches you is that as surely as the tide goes out, it will come back in. Sometimes there will be a rhythm and sometimes not. Sometimes it will be gray water and other times crystal blue. The goal is to find a way to enjoy it in all of its many facets, to see the adventure in each change, to not take for granted one moment, but to savor every little aspect. Just like life, just like our family.

Written at the beach on 5/6/09