So I am experiencing something I never anticipated regarding my daughter. I always new I would be jealous of my kids youth, their ability to do things athletically that I can no longer do, their taking risks skiing or surfing, that I am no longer willing to take. I knew I would be envious of their experiencing things that I had never experienced, or having opportunities that I had never had. Those things I anticipated and knew were coming. But I failed to realize that there would be somethings that would occur that would rock me deep at my core level, and ignite an ugly, selfish, covetous side of me. It has to do with the things they are accumulating. Things that I want. Things that I deserve more than they do.
It started way back when Evan got the first IPod of the family. Something so small, so simple, created so much lust deep down inside me. How could it be that he got one before me. My focus then turned to the Play Stations, Xboxes, and Wii’s. Sure I bought these for Derek, Evan and Gray as presents, I became a partner in purchasing some, but they knew how to play the games, to master them. They had the time to play while I watched and felt the ugliness of my envy grow. Then Evan and Katee came home from college with Apple Computers, new and shiny. They didn’t even have to pay for them. But yesterday, it all became so clear to me, how deep this sickness inside me runs. It happened as Katee came home in a Red BMW 318i. It doesn’t matter that it was recently in an accident and the hood needs to be repaired. Who cares that it is a 1991 and not a 2009. It has a Sun Roof. It is a manual transmission and is built for racing. It has awesome tires and a great sound system. She got it for a steal, and once she gets it fixed up she will have still spent less money than it is worth. I am jealous of my daughter, green with envy as they say, lusting after something she possesses and I do not. My friends know I have special names for the cars I want and the cars I have. There is the family of “Circle Cars” – BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, the ones that I want. Then there are the “Label Cars” – Chevy, Ford, Honda, the ones I have had. It is all based on the emblem. It is the Circle Cars that I desire right now in my life. I have always placed them out of reach, not practical, something to desire but never to have. However, Katee has changed that. She has one. She has moved that which seemed only a fantasy, and brought it into reality. It sits outside my window, right in front of my house. It is real, I have ridden in it. My daughter has what I have only dreamed of. She has a Circle Car. She has reached my elusive goal without even trying.
I am left pondering how it is Katee got there before me. She does not make the money I make, she does not even lust after circles, crave circles, desire circles, the way I do. To her it is just a cute car to get her back and forth to school and work. How can she think of a circle car that way. What has kept me all these years from having what my daughter now claims as her own? Now that she has shown me the path to the Circle Cars, I am thinking it won’t be long until I have one of my own, but who would have thought that it would be my daughter to show me the way. Thank you Katee for showing me it is possible. Thank you Katee for showing me the path. And, Katee – if you see me looking at your car in a strange way, just know I am thinking how one day I can join the ranks with you of being the proud owner of that elusive Circle Car.
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