Movies and Life

The other night we found ourselves looking for something to do. Not wanting to spend money, or really even to leave the house we turned to Netflix. Lately this has not been a great way to spend the evening. We spend a half hour looking through movies only to start and realize we have watched it before, or that the movie isn't really a story we are that interested in. However, on this night my wife came armed with a movie that she had heard others talking about. We quickly had the movie on,the lights down and we were treated to an awesome movie,The way. I won't go into all the details except to say, it was about a father who heads to Spain and completes the pilgrimage started by his son, The Road to Santiago, and works through his own personal life issues. There is a theme that runs through the movie, that we all get on the road for different reasons.

During the movie I found myself wondering what I would discover about myself if I were ever to take a pilgrimage and how it might change me. I wondered what my reason for going might be, to find myself, spiritual enlightenment, to connect more closely to God? I even started to think through the logistics, could I ever take a month off, how would I pay my bills, what's holding me back?

In many ways I am on a pilgrimage right now. I may not be in Spain, or walking miles and miles, but I am going through the painful process of walking through life, encountering obstacles, experiencing excitement, noticing growth and change in my life. The difference of doing it at home vs. Spain, is that I am distracted by the many daily things in my life. I don't get to experience the hours of quite reflection while walking. I don't come to the end of my self physically and emotionally. Because my road is often the same scenery every day, I miss seeing the beauty of it. Because those I encounter are often the same, I fail to enjoy them as I might on "the road." Maybe I should walk from time to time, sit and listen, reflect and enjoy. It is not about reaching the destination, it is about what you learn along the way. And, that is what I learned while watching the Sheen family entertain me during the movie. See you at the movies.

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Trust Yourself -part II

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today I am sitting in a coffee shop in Idaho, sipping an Iced Irish Coffee, sneaking glimpses of Darla studying, and reading through a bunch of quotes that I have copied along the way. I have blogged on the quote by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe before., but it caught my attention again today. Initially I was intrigued by it, could knowing how to live simply be the result of trusting yourself? Surely life is more complex then that. I then found my self becoming frustrated and a bit angry. Who is this author to say that my feelings of not knowing how to live are a result of my not trusting me? He doesn't even know me.

Sensing a growing reaction to a quote, or anything for that matter, usually signals a need for me to take a little deeper look and determine why I might be reacting. Really, what does not trusting myself mean? Do I need to worry that if i am not watching myself closely I might do something that would land me in jail, cost me my job, or get me in trouble with the home owners association? Or could it simply mean that I don't trust myself to know what I need or want, to know what is best for me?
Growing up I somehow began to live by the notion that left to my own wants and desires nothing good could result. The only thing that resides inside man is bad, selfish, sinful, thoughts and wants. When I was eight my Sunday School teacher taught me the heart is deceitful above all else, she couldn't be wrong, could she? As a result I looked for outside entities to think for me, my family, the church, books, the Bible, my wife, after all I couldn't trust myself, not sure why they were better at determining truth for me, but oh well. As I reflect back, I gave others the power to determine what I should pursue for a career, what I should focus on in school, how to do marriage. Left to myself I would do it wrong, selfishly, right? Sadly, this is how I have lived much of my life, and something I still wrestle with daily.
Over the last few years I have been becoming more aware of how messed up this way of thinking is. I am not inherently bad or evil, I prove every day that I am loving and other centered. There is no one better than me to know what I want and need, to understand what is best for me. This is not selfishness and sinful, this is self care and healthy. Trusting myself means believing that I know what I need to grow, to love, to experience life at its fullest, not to be afraid. I may mis-step, but it is trusting that I will recognize it and get it right the next time.
My reaction to the quote is really me being angry with me, for living in slavery to a warped way of thinking for so long, for not being able to figure it out sooner, of missing out on truly living for so long. I an endevouring to trust myself, so that I might truly live.

Worth Waiting For





They say that some things are worth waiting for, and I would have to agree. I have spent the last week anticipate the return of my youngest. He was returning from school to attend a wedding, not really to hangout with the fam. I knew that would be true before he came home and thought I was ready for it. A quick trip, hang out for a short time, grab a bite, see the brothers and sis, check in and move on. We weren't sure when he was coming up, if he would spend a few days or just the night. As the week went on it looked like time would be shorter than longer. On Friday I got the call he would need to be picked up at the bus station around five thirty that evening. As soon as we hung up the clock started to tick slower, the meetings lasted longer and the anticipation brought all things to a stop. In a rush I realized I had been missing him.

I left work early because I couldn't stand waiting. I watched the people walk by looking for him even though I new his bus hadn't arrived yet. Funny the things you do. After an eternity and a few text messages he was there, jumping in the car, looking good with a big smile on his face. As we started towards home he started filling me in on his life, decisions he was making, a relationship he was excited about, work, school, music, and within minutes it felt like everything was right in my life. As we pulled into the driveway and walked into the house, his best buddy, Surf, was waiting for him, waiting to be pet and acknowledged, his mom was waiting too with a big smile and a hug. Quick words and he was out the door to the rehearsal dinner, then to catch up with his siblings. He wasn't sure if he would be home that night or stay over some place else.

In less than an hour life went from full to a little empty, excitement to melancholy. Not sure how it happens so fast, you would think there would be a lasting effect of his being home, if even for a little while. But no, life moves forward even if we feel stuck in sand. While he came home after going out, he was the typical college student and slept in till noon. We went out for lunch, something I know he likes to do, something I wanted to do with him. His sister joined us. I enjoyed just being around him. I couldn't help but think about how he was changing, yet not changing at all. He seemed so independent and confident, yet he had always been that way. Before he left for the wedding he had come home for, he said he would be heading back to school instead of staying a little longer.He had a life together back to,a concert to go to. The time was over as quickly as it had begun. We said our goodbyes, he jumped in the car he was taking back to school, and drove off.

They say something's are worth waiting for, and I would add to that, some things are worth continuing to wait for. I start waiting now for the next time he comes home, even even just for a few hours. It was good to miss him,good to see him, good to know he is missed.


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rick samuelson's photostream

     Blowing in the Wind
A City of BridgesPortland on the RiverPortland BridgesRiverfront Park - PortlandPortland ArtWaterfront Park - Portland
Shadow PlayShadow Play IIPortland BridgesPortland's First snow of 2012ReflectionShades of Green
Stone ColdBlue MoonDSC_0014Shadows and ShadeBeach GrassSunshine

As I have been contemplating my life I also go out and take pictures of things that interest me

Living Life

Just being ourselves is the biggest fear we have as humans - Don Miguel Ruiz

As I reflect on life I envision a little boy, running and playing, laughing, being loud, unbound, unhindered, aware only of the sun on his face, the joy inside, his desire to experience, to live. Over time this same boy is told, walk don't run, you should be seen and not heard, you must have goals and focus, you must be responsible, you must take your place in life's drama. As this boy enters manhood he comes to learn that to get ahead, to move forward, to become apart of the human drama, he must play be the rules imposed upon him, to walk in step, to play the part, to drink the kool aide.
Many years ago Steve Taylor wrote a song, "I want to be a Clone." it was a look at how people willingly give in to being like everyone else. We do it to be accepted, to fit in. We do it to avoid conflict. We do it because that is what is expected in this world. And, as we become what it is we are told to become by religion, school, work, family, culture, and the world t large, we lose a little bit of ourselves along the way. We lose the wonder, the desire to run and jump, laugh and sing, to explore and experience, to learn and to live.
When did pleasing others become more important than personal happiness and well being. When did taking care of yourself become the sin of selfishness. When did the voice of others and their system of belief become more important than our own voice and coming to our own beliefs.
We have forgotten who we are, we no longer know or recognize ourselves, to be ourselves means breaking free from what we have become, slaves to what others think and believe, prisoners to expectations that belong to others that we have somehow adopted, trapped to the beat of a drum we are not drumming. My greatest fear is truly being myself. That's not true, my greatest fear is trying to be myself and realizing I have no idea who I really am.
To know myself, to be myself and to live as myself is my greatest goal at this time in my life. I trust you know who you are.
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The Four Agreements

In my ongoing quest to figure life out, I while occasionally pick up a book to read. Recently a friend of mine (thank's Cole Mack) sent me a book saying it had made a profound impact on how he lives, or attempts to live, his life. Being a sucker for free, I picked it up and started reading. In "The Four Agreements," author Don Miguel Ruiz walks through some basic ancient Toltec beliefs. The premise is that each of us have bought into self limiting beliefs, or dreams, that keep us from experiencing life as it is meant to be lived. As we go through life we make agreements (internal) to live by these self limiting beliefs, often without even realizing it. However, we also have the ability to make new agreements that can help break us free of these wrong beliefs or ways of thinking.

Having quickly read the book in three days, I have already started to apply The Four Agreements, and am finding I do not have to be bound by the rules I have for so long played by. There is much to learn from Toltec beliefs. I am awesome, as I am. Thanks Cole for passing this one on. If you have read the book, please share your thought. I am just starting to apply it




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Portland MS Walk 2012




This year I have joined up with friends and family to participate in the MS Walk. On April 14th, thirty of us from Avamere Rehab of King City will be making a difference by raising money to defeat MS. You can view my Personal Web Sight by clicking this link. You can join us by making a small donation.

Thanks for your help


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The Story of Our Lives

I came across the video below as i was processing some issues in my life. The video is short and simple, and looks at the story that each of us create with our lives. It finishes by asking the simple question -Did you enjoy your story? By that I take it to mean the story of our own life. It seems like there is much in life that is unenjoyable. Should our goal be to enjoy as much as possible, and what do we do with those things that keep us from enjoying, or cause pain, do we discard them and remove them from our lives? These are some of the questions I am thinking through today.

A Story of Tomorrow
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Looking for Happiness




"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness;
looking for peace.
They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions,
even other people,
hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them.
The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
~Ramona L. Anderson (1887-1949)American writer


As I was playing around on my IPad the other day, wasting time and trying to at least feel productive, I came across a post in Facebook from a friend of mine Mitch. I don't know if it was the great sunset in his profile picture or the fact that the post was from someone I find interesting, but I quit flicking my finger long enough to read the quote by Ramona Anderson.

I have to tell you, I hate it when a quote speaks into my life and this one definitely did. It got me thinking about my pursuits and the reasons for them. It started me questioning why I involve myself in certain things or behaviors. Is it truly a pursuit of happiness, or drilling down a little deeper, is it my attempt to make myself feel good, or, not feel bad? Why do I hangout with people, watch movies, work so hard, drink, smoke cigars, etc... Is it to try to make myself feel good, feel important, escape feeling lonely, insignificant, unloved or unlovable? Why is it that I define happiness based on external things like number of Facebook friends I have, how many nights I am out of the house, my job title, the car I drive, how many people I make laugh or smile? These aren't bad things, but if they are what I base happiness on, I will start out each morning having to score happiness point in order to define myself as happy for that day. How miserable to start each morning as unhappy, and have to work towards happiness, and who defines how many points you must score to be happy.

Ramona suggests that happiness is not externally driven, but internally based. I have to be honest, I have a hard time with this thinking. I don't always like to look inside and "cultivate the soul, or practice self care, or tend to the issues within." isn't that for introverts, not extroverts. That's the stuff of Psychologists, HR managers, etc... Those who are CEO's or oversee large groups of people, or must out perform the world everyday of the week, can't look inside. I don't know how to define happiness internally. Is it a feeling? I was told feelings aren't always reality. Is it a inner voice? I was told that could be the voices of past fear and doubt, or my elementary school teacher telling me I wasn't coordinated (thanks Mrs. Smith). But it does make more sense that happiness is a state of being rather than an endless pursuit. It is something you know instead of a destination on a map.

Obviously, I have no answers only thought, and that is what looking inward is all about for me. If you have any thoughts or input please add it to my blog or Facebook. May you experience happiness today. I am going to the Brewfest to contemplate.


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Life

What is life, if not a series of relationships that bring smiles, tears, laughter, pain, growth and a richness and depth. It's relationships that help you see yourself rightly, challenge you to grow, and force you to think in ways you normally wouldn't. Life truly is an unpredictable ride. But, I don't think I would have it any other way.


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Quote For Sunday - Thoughts on Happiness

“Happiness is not the absence of problems, it's the ability to deal with them.”
― Steve Maraboli

As I think about happiness, I find that I want to define it as only good and never bad. Happiness should only be about positive experiences, up lifting friendships, successes and triumphs. Problems should have no place in happiness, right? Unfortunately, my limited view of happiness means I am destined to a life of unhappiness, for every day brings problems and issues, pain and sorrow, the unpleasant and the unwanted. If my definition were to stand, life will be a most unhappy experience.




Bring on today's quote and the equation changes. It is not about the experience but how I walk through it, it is not about the situation, but my response. I am reminded of other sayings, "life is what you make it," or " when life gives you lemons, make lemon aide." once again I come face to face with the realization, we are not victims. We choose each day how we will think and respond to all that life throws at us. We decide how we are going to deal with the things we face. Sit in the dark and wallow in self pity, or get up and tackle life.

Happiness is not the absence of problems. That is a profound and very deep thought. It is the ability to deal with them. And I would add to that, the ability to deal with them well.



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Some Quotes you just have to think about

“People tend to complicate their own lives, as if living weren't already complicated enough.”
― Carlos Ruiz Zafón, The Shadow of the Wind


I don't know this author, and I haven't ever read his book, but this quote I came across really hit me today. Why is it that we tend to make life more complex than it is. We read into things others say, we interpret glances to mean what they don't, we strive for things we shouldn't, and we get discouraged when we don't reach goals that are unattainable. We give opinions that aren't asked for, we give advice that causes more harm than good, we fail to enjoy what is right in front of us. Should life be simple? Should each day be enjoyed? Each day starts out new, with fresh possibilities and new experiences. Why complicate it by trying to make more of it? Why drag the past forward. Today does not have to be complicated, it just needs to be lived. It will be complicated enough without help from me.


Just a deep thought to start my weekend


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Thoughts on Leadership

If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader. John Quincy Adams

This is a great reminder of what my role as a leader is really all about. It is simply about helping others be their best


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Feel Stuck

I find myself in a strange spot. The sun is shining but life seems foggy. I'm working out each day but I have no energy. I'm working hard but accomplishing little.
When I get this way I start thinking about change. I don't know if it is change in location, change in job, or what the needed change is? I just know that something is off. Could be a few weeks away would do the trick. I can envision time at the beach or up in the mountains. Not sure how to make it happen, how to change my outlook.
Key for me is feeling connected in my relationships, being successful at work and moving forward in life. At the moment each of those areas feels stuck. That's what I need to focus on changing. Let me know what your thinking about. I always learn from others.
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It's You're Life

I came across a picture today that really sums up my thinking this last week. As I have been wrestling with who I am and how I want to live my life, I continue to come face to face with my need to own my own stuff. Who would have thought an ad campaign for a clothing company would speak into my life. But, I was struck. The company is Holstee click on the name to learn more. They wanted to do more than sell clothing, the wanted to promote a lifestyle.

Here is the picture. Let me know your thoughts. As always, I am trying to take time to take a Deep Look Inward.




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Looking into the Mirror

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand yourself" ~Anonymous

Over the last few weeks I have been spending a bit of time in personal reflection. The problem is the more I look into the mirror, the less I like what I see. In the past if that would happen I would simply shut my eyes and move on. However, that is not working so well for me these days. So I am back to taking a deep look inward after taking a bit of time off. Only this time I am likely to go deeper and battle more, than ever before. It is starting with the simple truth that the only one truly responsible for who I am, who I've become, is me. The devil didn't make me do it, my parents didn't force me, each step that brought me to this point and time, good or bad, was a step, a choice, a decision I made. I am responsible for all the good, bad and ugly. And, from that step of taking responsibility for me, I will look into the mirror, embrace the good, change the bad, and work towards beauty. Time to go look at my reflection. - Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thank you Oregon Duck's

The Oregon Ducks are the Rose Bowl Champions. Thanks for a great year.







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Life Stops When the Ducks Play

Go Oregon


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Little Things





Sometimes it's the little things that mean the most. A simple smile, a kiss on the neck, a text message from one of your kids, an excited phone call, can make all the difference. These have all happened to me this last week, a friend, my wife, my son and my daughter. They don't know what those simple little things did to lift my spirits, let me know I matter, to let me see I am loved. But each of these little things made a profound difference on me. I hope you experience a simple thing today, it is something to look forward to.


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Preparing to Live Well




One things is for sure, life keeps happening, with or without our permission.

Most of life we can't control. What I can control is how I how i prepare for life, and how I respond to it. Everyday I work with people who have been thrown a curve ball related to their health and finances. Some seem to weather it well and continue living despite what they have encountered. These people did some internal work before life struck a blow and weren't rocked by the change of their situation. Others, seem surprised by their change in circumstance, and are unable to cope. Depression, bitterness, hopelessness, seem to follow.

I obviously know how I want to respond. I guess that means I need to start the prep work so I can handle what life throws at me, be it health, finances, work, relationships, etc... Making my choice now for a better tomorrow.


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Playing the Game - Buying A Car







We've done it! Darla and i have finally accomplished our goal of paying off our cars. It feels great to not have a payment, to know you are capable of doing what you set out to do. So how do we want to celebrate? By buying a car of course.

Two nights ago Darla and I were driving past car lots in Beaverton when we drove past a shinny, gray, convertible. If you have read any of my past blogs you know I have always wanted a Circle Car. A Circle car is of course a car with a circle emblem. Audi's, BMW's, Mercedes are all circle cars. We circled back to see what it was. I have been secretly wanting a Mercedes SLK350 convertible, or an Audi convertible. What we saw was something I had not considered. Pulling into the lot I came face to face with a Nissan 350Z convertible roadster. It was used, but i was definitely intrigued. To my surprise Nissan is a circle car. I walked around it once, I walked around again. The lines of the car were beautiful. Darla, smiling at me said, you have to drive it. As I was about to go in, the sales guy came out, and that is when the game began.

Abdul came towards me with a huge smile, "You like, it's a beauty." he sensed he had a fish on the line, and that fish was me. The car had only just gotten to the lot a few days before, it was sure to go fast. He went to get the keys and Darla parked our car. As Darla got in the 350Z there were the comments on how much nicer the car looked with her in it. I of course was thankful it was only a two seater and only Darla and I could fit. As I turned the key the engine roared to life. Abdul said something about a high performance package and we drove off. Wow, wind in my hair, power in my hands, and smile on my face. We zipped around turns, exploded off the line with each green light, then we started to recognize the rattles and squeaks that come with a used car. Returning to the lot I explained to Abdul that while I liked it, this was not the car. He then smiled even bigger and said he had two brand new ones out back that were only $3000 more. Like lambs to the slaughter we followed. It was white with a black top. 6 speed automatic, a 370Z convertible. This was a driving experience. Darla and I giggled as we drove. I envisioned a race track as I worked through the gears. No rattles, no squeaks, this could be it. Back to the lot, and it was time to be reeled in.

Abdul was waiting, he could tell "we liked." As we walked back in, he said, "which do you like better, the black or the white?" "The white one of course," came rolling of my lips. "Cash, or do you want me to finance for you?" He was good, leading me right down the path towards a close. I new the next question would be, how can we help you take this car home tonight, and on cue, that is what came out of Abdul's mouth. I gave him my, this is the first stop, we weren't planning tonight response, and let him know I was interested in what it would cost me monthly. Yep, I gave away the first point. Abdul now knows I don't care how much the car costs, only what the payment will be. And, Abdul zeros in, "What are you hoping for?" My reply was the simple, not sure just wanting a ball park. We gave him the stuff he needed and then he brought out Corry, the finance guy.

If Abdul was good, Corry was better. He was smooth and calculating. He didn't mind those long periods of silence designed to make you sweat and give in. He once again started to work on our monthly range, and got us to bite. He wasn't sure if he could swing it but he would try. He came back with numbers and term lengths. Darla was firm, she was set on the amount and no more than 72 months. Corry left to talk to the unseen manager to see what he could do. Back again, but still not at our spot. It was then that we noticed we were working with a higher price for the car then the one Abdul quoted. We were told that was a special price that ended on July 31, we just missed it, bummer. He went to see once again if they could flex, and again came back a little closer. Would we go with 78, or 80 month terms? We were only $24 per month off that way. We said no, and that we would be more excited to be $24 off in our favor. We got up, thanked them for their time, and headed back to the car.

Yesterday morning I got on line and was surprised to see the very car, listed at the price Abdul originally gave us. I sent a quick email to Abdul and told him how close we had been, and if the had used the right starting price we would have bought last night. I also said but since the had been willing to drop $5k off the price we were negotiating last night I might come in for a $4k reduction off the current price. Last night, Scott the sales manager left me a message stating he had good news. I'll call today to see what the news is. What a Game.



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A Thought for Today

“There’s no next time. It’s now or never.”


Came across this quote today, and it got me thinking of the invites I got from my kids this weekend. It was the Portland Brew Festival this weekend, and with older kids, they called and asked if I wanted to go with them. Work was also needing my attention and that is where I ended up going. My logic, there will be plenty of chances to hang with my kids. However, as I read this quote, I am realizing my kids were not asking me to "Go to Brew Festival," they were really saying, "Dad, we want to spend time with you, Dad we saw this event and you came to mind, Dad, we want to invest some of our weekend in you.". I wish I would have read this quote yesterday. I would have gone with them. How cool to be thought of by your kids. I blew it yesterday. Need to change how I think. “There’s no next time. It’s now or never.”


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Deep Thought

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”
- Dr Wayne Dyer


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Connection







Over the last few days I have been asking the question, "What is most important to me?" There are lots of things that come to mind, family, health, a good job, friends, being productive, making a difference, to name a few. But as I kept wrestling with that question, I found myself slowly zeroing in on the answer.

This morning I got a phone call from Darla, out at Gonzaga where she is working on her Doctorate. She is only gone two nights at a time (I know some of you say no big deal, as you travel more than that), but her call put a huge smile on my face and set the tone for the entire day. As I got to work, my first meeting was with my department heads. Today was up beat and there was a real sense of team as we talked through issues of life and the tasks for the day. At 1:30 pm, I headed out for a late lunch, and met up with a friend I hadn't seen in 18 years (thank you LinkIn for the reconnect). As we talked about our journey's and our families, I couldn't help but think about the good times of days past. Tonight as I jumped in the care I got a call from Gray (my youngest), he wondered what my plans were, and if I wanted to go out to dinner with Evan and him (yes, I paid but that's beside the point). In addition there were phone calls, conversations, and invitations. As I looked at all these things, I realized that what I desire and value most, is CONNECTION. Connection is why I blog, why I Facebook, why I call my family, and what motivates me to do what I do. For me, to not be connected to others would be my definition of death. Connection is what I live for.

As I think of people I admire, and those I don't, those who are happy and those who aren't, in my thinking it always has to do with connection. I'm not sure if others feel the same, but as I take a deep look inward this is what is true of me. As I keep moving forward in life, the extent of my happiness will not be due to how much I have, or what I make, it has been and will always be based on how connected I feel to others and the world around me. Let's get together soon.


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What's In A Sunset




Tonight I find myself sitting on my back deck. I love it when it starts to cool off, and the clouds reflect the sun as it is setting. The boys are out on a walk, and Darla is again in Spokane. It is nights like this, with a good cigar that your able to take a moment to slow down and reflect, to think, to ponder (never thought I'd use that word in a sentence). With the pressure at work and the speed at which life is moving, I don't do this enough these days.

Having watched the clouds I can't help wonder what my life is reflecting to others. I don't think it has been the pretty colors of a sunset, or the excitement of a good conversation with a friend from days gone by (thanks Marna). I know it isn't the feeling of riding a great wave that people are seeing in me (I haven't gotten wet yet this summer). Instead, I am afraid it has been the tension that comes from working hard but feeling like you aren't accomplishing much, or the sense that there is a lack of balance in life at the moment. Perhaps it is the fear that I am prioritizing the wrong things and that I will soon wake up realizing I missed what is most important. Funny how a sunset can make you think about these kinds of things.

The sun is now gone and the clouds have gone back to drifting slowly into the dark. I do know that I don't want to drift aimlessly, but rather soar with purpose. In the morning I'll have to come back out and look for a bird or airplane to take my thoughts that direction. For now, I'll just contemplate on what I reflect to those around me, and trust that like the sunset, I can put a smile on those around me.



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No Surprise

Look deep inside and often what you see you want to keep hidden. Funny how when you allow others to see in, they aren't surprised because they saw it all along.


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Dreaming Away




Sometimes the battle isn't to lose weight, or to get stronger, sometimes it's about doing your best to stay engaged. To stay engaged in relationship, to stay engaged in the job, to stay in community, to stay with the task. At times I find myself thinking more about change, maybe a new car, a new house, a new place to live. Perhaps it's a new job. The battle is about staying with it at times.

Sure dreaming is good. It can actually help spur on creativity and new ideas. But it can also be dangerous, causing you to check out, to disengage, to loose focus because your focus has shifted. I'm not sure how to fight it, or even if I should. I think it is most important to just acknowledge it and the impact it can have. For me dreaming is part of living. But living also has to do with sticking with it when things get hard or tough. Today however, I am dreaming of the warm beach, of winning the lottery, and of new challenging adventures. Tomorrow, I will be back at work Battling On.


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If it's on the Internet, it isn't private.

I came across this reminder as I was reading some of my favorite pages. It made me stop and think for a moment about what I put out there for all to read. Once you hit send you no longer have control. With some hesitation here this post comes.

Forty Eiqht, Not That Great


I turned 48 this week. Not a huge big deal except for the fact that I don't want to get older. In fact, if I had it my way I would still be 24. That however isn't going to happen. I am twice as old as I want to be. I am twice as old as my daughter. I am probaMbly closer to the end of my life than I am to the beginning. It is kind of a bummer to think about. So my challenge is to not let this getting older thing ruin the present. It doesn't have to get me down. I need to figure out how to embrace it and continue living and enjoying the moment I am in. So how do I do that? How do I look forward and not back?

I don't really have an answer at the moment, just a sense of where I want to be emotionally. I want to live, to love, to experience it all. to not be stuck in my own muck. To not be hindered by others. I want to break free of all that holds me back and start to run. I think it is possible. If nothing elsGe it is worth pursuing. At the very least I have to admit I am 48 and start there.

How I Spend the Weekend, 3-15-11

Back From The Beach - a Video Blog

Living the Second Half of Life Better than the First.

I'm not sure what happened, or even when it happened, only that something has happened. I have been cruising through life for awhile.  And by cruising I don't mean heading to where I want to be really fast, or in a cool car, I mean that I have been moving forward on autopilot.  I have been just happy to let things go the way they are going, enjoy it as it unfolds and ride out the bumps as they come along.  A few months back, I started thinking about that philosophy and where it had gotten me so far.  While some of it wasn't to bad, there were other parts of my life that I was dissatisfied with.  Things that were happening that with a little bit of intentionality I could change. As I though about it at that moment I was 8 months from being 48, I was 235+ lbs, drifting in many ways, outside of work not much fun, and wondering if this was the way life was suppose to go.  The more I pondered on this, the more I realized I needed to do something about it, I needed to do something different that I was currently doing.  Since that time a clear direction has evolved, a road map of sorts.  Not so much with destinations, but with goals.  The goals are currently very broad, but becoming more defined every day.  The road map only takes me two and a half years down the road.  It takes be to June 4th, 20213.  That is the day I turn 50, half a century, 5 decades of life.  Funny thing is rather than roll over and let life run its course, I am determined to hit my 50's, better in every way, than I hit my 30's.  I am looking to enter my 50's in better shape relationally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, than I hit my 30's.  As lofty a goal as that sounds, I am already moving towards realizing that goal.  I was more or less a couch potato, so just getting up and doing something lets me hit my 50's ahead of the game.  I am working through all of the Spiritual hangups that I have been carrying around forever, Darla and I are in an exciting place in our relationship (as a result of some focused attention), and emotionally I am figuring myself, my needs, and my wants out.  The key in all of this is putting some things in place that I can sustain throughout the rest of my life.  Since coming to this focus, I have lost 26 pounds, with 35 to go.  I have been working out 6 days a week, learning to eat, continuing to ask myself tough questions, and identifying other areas in my life I need to work on.  I am coming to believe that barring any huge health set backs, it is possible to have a better back end of life than front end.  Not sure that I'll ever be as thin, or fast as I was at 18, but I can sure be more fit, and use what I have in a much better way.  I'll write a follow up to this when I turn 65.  

From Good to Poor

Two weeks ago I was sitting in the office of my $90 an hour best friend, telling him how well things were currently going.  My marriage was going well, work was good, and I felt like I was figuring myself out more than ever before.  Then something happened.  I don't know what, maybe a change in the weather, the planets came out of alignment, who knows.  My relationships went from smooth sailing to rough seas, I missed the super bowl, work went sideways, and I don't know what happened.  Funny how you can feel on top of the world, and then in a moment, everything changes.  So my goal at the moment is to keep doing the things for me I need to do.  Second, figure out what I need for me and don't just let life happen to me.  It is Saturday, one week since the sun went dark.  Maybe over the next few days it will come out again and shine like it should.  That is what is going on inside my head as I take a look inward.

My Star Employee Going to Work for My Friend

Every once in awhile you hire someone who makes a difference not only in the day to day work that has to be done, but personally.  We hired someone not to long ago at my facility who took on every challenge, exceeded all expectations, and drove things to a hire level.  She was constantly looking for more work and increasing challenges.  In addition, she brought life to the building.  She was bubbly, energetic, always smiling, loved to ask how I was doing, etc.  Even though she only worked part time hours, I would find myself waiting for the days she worked because I knew it would brighten my day.

A few weeks back my friend who runs another facilty had a full time opening and my star employee went to interview.  I received a call minutes after they met and he asked if he could keep her.  Everything inside me was crying out NO, she needs to stay here.  But, I also knew that it was in her best interest career wise to move forward.  A few days later, my daughter came into my office and gave me here two week notice and let me know she was moving on to her first "Big Girls Job." 

As a dad, I got to see my daughter through the eyes of my department heads.  They would tell me what a difference she was making, how competent she was in her work, how great it was to have her around.  All I could think of was the dishes she couldn't seem to get done, the unmade bed, her junk scattered everywhere.  My little girl grew up in my eyes over the seven months she worked in my facility.  I see her differently today than I would have if she never worked for me.  I wish her well and know she will do an awesome job for my friend.  My loss is definitely his gain.

Meaningless Tasks and Deep Thoughts

I am looking at the tasks that lay in front of me.  Take out the Christmas Tree, take down the outside Christmas Lights, do the grocery shopping, clean the bathroom, start the laundry.  As I contemplate this list of chores (and yes I mean chores) I have to to wonder why!  Why did we go to the trouble of hunting for a tree, cutting it down, tying it to the car, putting lights on it, just to take it down, carry it out, and throw it away?  Why did we hang the outside lights if we were only going to take them down a month later? Why do we use the bathroom in our bedroom (the one I have to clean) when we have three bathrooms in our house? Couldn't we all just use one?  Yes- grocery shopping and laundry make some sense to me, but the rest surely need to be thought through.  My life could be so much more simple if we just eliminated some of the needless things we do. 

All this thinking makes me question how smart are we really?  We send up space shuttles in machines that can sustain incredible heat and speed, yet I still have to stain my back deck every year to protect it from the weather.  We genetically alter plants to produce more and better, but we can't alter them to help us stay at our proper weight.  We create clothes that don't wrinkle, won't stain, stretch, keep their color.  Why not clothes that always are in fashion and hang themselves up?  With all of our great technology we still sweep, vacuum and cook.  I mow the lawn when I am sure we could make grass that only grows to a certain height.  The list goes on.

Obviously today my thoughts are about easing life.  The work I would like to be focusing on today would be deepening the relationship I have with my wife.  A nice walk or hike, a quiet dinner, a sunset.  That is what I would like to be working on, not a list of chores and things that must get done before I go back to work for another week. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.

Procrastination - Is it a flaw? I don't think so.

Not sure what I was thinking. I have put it off as long as I possibly can. I feel the walls pressing in. The calendar is a constant reminder that I have let things slip, and now I am slowly going into panic mode. A year ago I was in the same place, and I swore I would not let it happen again, and yet, it has happened. In college I needed the due date to motivate me to write the paper or start studying for the test. So I have my due date. I am staring December 25th right in the eye. A year ago I had to leave work early on the 24th to find that one last present. I swear the clerk at the mall remembered me from the year before. And here I am again.

So what is it about me that is putting it off to the last minute. I truly am not motivated for Christmas. As a family we have tried to step away from commercialism. But Christmas is not the only area in my life this happens in. The garage door spring has been sprung for over a year and I have not called to get someone in to fix it. I drained the hot tub last week. I still have not refilled it. I need to go grocery shopping but do not want to make a list. The oil in the car needs changing, and on and on and on it goes. Part of me says, "I have had to be responsible for my things and others long enough, I am done." I would rather downsize then be fixing things, replacing things, spending on things. This is a chronic issue for me.

I put off losing weight, I had to put all my bills on bill payer or I would not have gotten them paid. At the core, I long for something different. I have people calling on me all week long, I want a place that does not require anything of me. I want to shut down for a while. I am not sure if it is a wrong thing to feel this way. The reality is this is who I am. I can put things in place that allow me to function and get what I need, despite this part of my character, or I can change. I have the choice to paint my house or pay someone else to do it. I can grocery shop or eat out. Once again it comes down to being ok with myself. Are you ok with you? Keep on Battling.

How do you Determine Self Worth?

I've been looking at the way I view life, process my situation, and try to make sense out of my circumstances. A long time ago I adopted a philosophy that simple stated, "There will always be someone smarter, faster, stronger, better looking, making more money, with a better title, a bigger office, than me. If that is what I pursue, then I will always be disappointed." It is a way of thinking that has always served me well. That is, until I realized that I was using it as an excuse, a way to cop out on ever reaching any goal of any kind. After all, there will always be someone else who is...

The more I take a Deeper Look Inward, I find that this way of thinking really gets at the heart of how I determine my value to, and in, the world. My self worth and self esteem flow from this. Thankfully I am very good at what I do, and those over me reward me in a variety of ways. But should their praise or what they pay me be the means by which I define myself? Should my comparison with others, who will always be smarter, faster, more successful, etc... be the means by which I determine how I feel about me? This is the thinking I am challenged with today as I take a Deeper Look Inward.

I don't have answers at this point, only more questions. But, I would love to dialog with others who are walking down the same line of thinking. Leave a comment here to continue this conversation.

Oregon Ducks vs. Oregon State Beavers - Is it Selfish

Over the last few weeks I have been wrestling with the concept of selfishness versus self care.  I grew up being taught that it was wrong to be selfish, in fact it was sinful to be selfish.  I believed you should always put the needs of others ahead of your own.  This was the right and noble thing to do.  Problem is this philosophy often left me feeling frustrated, walked on, angry and bitter.  In the end, putting others needs ahead of my own would lead me to resent those I thought I was putting first.  Over the last few weeks I have been looking at the idea of not always discounting my needs and wants.  Being able to meet my needs isn't always bad.  In fact, many would call this self care.  As I have explored this theme I have been asking myself, "What did I used to do, enjoy, participate in?  Where did I use to go or spend time?"  I started to look at what I have maybe given up which was important to me, in order to put others first.  One of those areas was football.  Is football wrong.  Is it wrong to enjoy it.  Is it wrong for me to watch it when others want to do something else.  Well last Saturday I practiced some self care and headed to Corvallis for the Civil War Game.  University of Oregon Ducks versus the Oregon State Beavers.  This is what self care looks like for me.

How the Oregon Ducks Versus Oregon State Beavers is Helping me Grow Up


For the last few years I have been working on me.  By that I mean that I have spent years thinking that putting others first, being sacrificial, dying to self, was what the good guy always does. I have worked hard to make sure my wife and kids have had their needs met.  I have a hard time buying what I need.  After a few years of meeting with a councilor, I have started to figure out that taking care of myself is not selfish, it is actually self care.

So how do the Oregon Ducks fit into it?  They are a part of my self care program.  Doing what I enjoy has taken me to the Ducks vs Stanford, the Ducks vs UCLA, and tomorrow it will take me to the Ducks vs Beavers.  Normally I would feel guilty about leaving my wife and kids at home, but I am growing.  I would feel the need to take them, but I am going with friends.  What makes my becoming a little more health more fun, is that the Ducks are playing awesome football.  What other team scores three touchdowns in 5 minutes.  Who else has a shot at the national championship.  My personal development could not have come at a better time.

Tomorrow I will be on my way to Corvallis at 7 am.  Kick off is a 12:30.  I will be dressed in Green, cheering loudly, and quacking when excited.  Its a big day. Games don't get a whole lot bigger than the Civil War Game. What makes it even sweeter is that I didn't have a ticket this time yesterday.  As I have worked on my self it has led to my making friends (another part I am working on).  And now, one of those friends has invited me to the game. The Ducks are helping me to grow up, and the Beaver game just helps me see it.  This is the part of the battle I like.  May your team win tomorrow.

Job Evaluations

It's that time of year again. A time when someone is going to take a look at my performance and determine if I have been a successful employee or not.  All year long I evaluate my employees based on whether or not they are meeting set standards, moving us towards our mission statement, and living out the company values.  It is one thing when I evaluate others, but when it comes to me #%^%@!.  So as I head towards this time, I find myself trying to justify what I have done this year by looking at how much money I have generated for the company, by looking at my facilities compliance record, going over our turn over reports, etc...  But isn't a persons worth to a company more than numbers.  Isn't there more to success than customer satisfaction surveys.  Is the impact you make on others ever a factor?

So, what is an evaluation about anyway.  For the employee we are hoping to hear good things about ourselves, followed by a raise or promotion of some type.  We want our year of service to be valued by our employer in a tangible way.  Sure we want nice things to go into our file, but what we really want is money, green backs, franklin's. We want more than a cost of living increase, we want something substantial.  As an employer we want to align the employee to the coming years direction.  We want more work in the same amount of time.  We hope we don't have to pay any more for it. We want unquestioning loyalty, and exceptional work ethic, and a stellar attendance record.  No wonder there is more disappointment after an evaluation than any other time. 

So how can i approach my evaluation this week in a different way. I want to be in the drivers seat and lead the meeting, rather than have it happen to me. I would like to make a proposal for a change in position, or a way to financially incentivize me to higher performance.  I really want to be invited to the inner circle of ownership, but would settle for something that felt like a promotion, or moving ahead.  At the least I hope to walk away from the time with a better understanding of what I do well, and what I need to work on, a sense that I am valuable to my employer, and that they are thinking of my future as well as their own. I hope they realize that my evaluation matters to me, and as I am honest with myself, it does matter, it is important.  My your evaluation be all that you want it to be.