Conversations

I love to talk, to listen, to be challenged, to debate, to think, to inspire and be inspired, to be with people who are growing and pushing the boundaries they grew up having understood. I like all this when it isn't focused on me and where I am stuck, not growing, not moving forward.

This morning I found myself engaged in one of these conversations, deep and focused on beliefs and ways of doing things that I have bought into, but may not be the best way to view or see life. In the midst of the conversation I kept finding myself wanting to say, "Stop, I like my set ways, I don't want to be aware of different ways, because I might have to change." I had to continually force myself to stay open and engaged to the conversation, to the ideas and concepts being presented, to the possibility of other options, ways of being, paths to take. All of this can seem scary, can seem big, and in someways wrong. Yet, at the same time it can seem exciting, new, right.

I am at a time in my life where I realize some of the ways I have done life are no longer working for me. Living for other people, basing my decisions on what I think will make others happy, or will avoid conflict, is backwards. Conversations help me see this, even when I would rather not. Conversations force me to consider those things I have bought into without really thinking them through. And, if I chose to stay engaged even when it focus on me, I just my grow and change, and find I am better because of it. So if your up for it lets talk.

Below is a poem that was shared with me. Thought I would pass it on to you.



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The Experiment Begins

My wife of almost 29 years, and I, are trying something new. We are experimenting with living in separate states for the next 6 weeks. Doctoral studies require her to be there, my job requires me to be here. Funny thing is we have both been traveling in opposite directions the last 2 weeks, so it isn't new. However, saying good bye yesterday was different. It had more to do with destination. The last two weeks the destination has always been home. Short trips, a few phone calls, and then face to face. This time her destination is someplace else. She will settle in there for awhile, I will stay here. There will be lots of phone calls, some Skype, a few trips along the way for short visits. It all feels very different.
She called at noon yesterday to tell me she was finally on the road. I felt my emotions go flat. Heading home after work was with the realization that there wasn't much to anticipate, except for a waiting dog, who would want to be fed and need a walk. I would be cooking for one, making decisions for one. It feels very different.
At the same time there are a few life issues I want to work out over the next six weeks. I live life very enmeshed, always trying to please others. I often let what I assume they may be thinking sway my decision. It's gotten to the point that I have stopped asking what do I want to do and instead I have been living based on what I think others would want me to do. Over the last I have become increasingly aware of this and am working to change. For the next six weeks it will be just me, to a certain extent, determining what I want to do, to focus on, to invest time in. It feels very different.
It is going to be an interesting experiment. One with an end date. One in which I am trusting that growth will come. In the mean time, I leave in three days to go see where she is hanging out.
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Movies and Life

The other night we found ourselves looking for something to do. Not wanting to spend money, or really even to leave the house we turned to Netflix. Lately this has not been a great way to spend the evening. We spend a half hour looking through movies only to start and realize we have watched it before, or that the movie isn't really a story we are that interested in. However, on this night my wife came armed with a movie that she had heard others talking about. We quickly had the movie on,the lights down and we were treated to an awesome movie,The way. I won't go into all the details except to say, it was about a father who heads to Spain and completes the pilgrimage started by his son, The Road to Santiago, and works through his own personal life issues. There is a theme that runs through the movie, that we all get on the road for different reasons.

During the movie I found myself wondering what I would discover about myself if I were ever to take a pilgrimage and how it might change me. I wondered what my reason for going might be, to find myself, spiritual enlightenment, to connect more closely to God? I even started to think through the logistics, could I ever take a month off, how would I pay my bills, what's holding me back?

In many ways I am on a pilgrimage right now. I may not be in Spain, or walking miles and miles, but I am going through the painful process of walking through life, encountering obstacles, experiencing excitement, noticing growth and change in my life. The difference of doing it at home vs. Spain, is that I am distracted by the many daily things in my life. I don't get to experience the hours of quite reflection while walking. I don't come to the end of my self physically and emotionally. Because my road is often the same scenery every day, I miss seeing the beauty of it. Because those I encounter are often the same, I fail to enjoy them as I might on "the road." Maybe I should walk from time to time, sit and listen, reflect and enjoy. It is not about reaching the destination, it is about what you learn along the way. And, that is what I learned while watching the Sheen family entertain me during the movie. See you at the movies.

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Trust Yourself -part II

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Today I am sitting in a coffee shop in Idaho, sipping an Iced Irish Coffee, sneaking glimpses of Darla studying, and reading through a bunch of quotes that I have copied along the way. I have blogged on the quote by Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe before., but it caught my attention again today. Initially I was intrigued by it, could knowing how to live simply be the result of trusting yourself? Surely life is more complex then that. I then found my self becoming frustrated and a bit angry. Who is this author to say that my feelings of not knowing how to live are a result of my not trusting me? He doesn't even know me.

Sensing a growing reaction to a quote, or anything for that matter, usually signals a need for me to take a little deeper look and determine why I might be reacting. Really, what does not trusting myself mean? Do I need to worry that if i am not watching myself closely I might do something that would land me in jail, cost me my job, or get me in trouble with the home owners association? Or could it simply mean that I don't trust myself to know what I need or want, to know what is best for me?
Growing up I somehow began to live by the notion that left to my own wants and desires nothing good could result. The only thing that resides inside man is bad, selfish, sinful, thoughts and wants. When I was eight my Sunday School teacher taught me the heart is deceitful above all else, she couldn't be wrong, could she? As a result I looked for outside entities to think for me, my family, the church, books, the Bible, my wife, after all I couldn't trust myself, not sure why they were better at determining truth for me, but oh well. As I reflect back, I gave others the power to determine what I should pursue for a career, what I should focus on in school, how to do marriage. Left to myself I would do it wrong, selfishly, right? Sadly, this is how I have lived much of my life, and something I still wrestle with daily.
Over the last few years I have been becoming more aware of how messed up this way of thinking is. I am not inherently bad or evil, I prove every day that I am loving and other centered. There is no one better than me to know what I want and need, to understand what is best for me. This is not selfishness and sinful, this is self care and healthy. Trusting myself means believing that I know what I need to grow, to love, to experience life at its fullest, not to be afraid. I may mis-step, but it is trusting that I will recognize it and get it right the next time.
My reaction to the quote is really me being angry with me, for living in slavery to a warped way of thinking for so long, for not being able to figure it out sooner, of missing out on truly living for so long. I an endevouring to trust myself, so that I might truly live.

The Story of Our Lives

I came across the video below as i was processing some issues in my life. The video is short and simple, and looks at the story that each of us create with our lives. It finishes by asking the simple question -Did you enjoy your story? By that I take it to mean the story of our own life. It seems like there is much in life that is unenjoyable. Should our goal be to enjoy as much as possible, and what do we do with those things that keep us from enjoying, or cause pain, do we discard them and remove them from our lives? These are some of the questions I am thinking through today.

A Story of Tomorrow
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Looking for Happiness

"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness;
looking for peace.
They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions,
even other people,
hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them.
The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
~Ramona L. Anderson (1887-1949)American writer

As I was playing around on my IPad the other day, wasting time and trying to at least feel productive, I came across a post in Facebook from a friend of mine Mitch. I don't know if it was the great sunset in his profile picture or the fact that the post was from someone I find interesting, but I quit flicking my finger long enough to read the quote by Ramona Anderson.

I have to tell you, I hate it when a quote speaks into my life and this one definitely did. It got me thinking about my pursuits and the reasons for them. It started me questioning why I involve myself in certain things or behaviors. Is it truly a pursuit of happiness, or drilling down a little deeper, is it my attempt to make myself feel good, or, not feel bad? Why do I hangout with people, watch movies, work so hard, drink, smoke cigars, etc... Is it to try to make myself feel good, feel important, escape feeling lonely, insignificant, unloved or unlovable? Why is it that I define happiness based on external things like number of Facebook friends I have, how many nights I am out of the house, my job title, the car I drive, how many people I make laugh or smile? These aren't bad things, but if they are what I base happiness on, I will start out each morning having to score happiness point in order to define myself as happy for that day. How miserable to start each morning as unhappy, and have to work towards happiness, and who defines how many points you must score to be happy.

Ramona suggests that happiness is not externally driven, but internally based. I have to be honest, I have a hard time with this thinking. I don't always like to look inside and "cultivate the soul, or practice self care, or tend to the issues within." isn't that for introverts, not extroverts. That's the stuff of Psychologists, HR managers, etc... Those who are CEO's or oversee large groups of people, or must out perform the world everyday of the week, can't look inside. I don't know how to define happiness internally. Is it a feeling? I was told feelings aren't always reality. Is it a inner voice? I was told that could be the voices of past fear and doubt, or my elementary school teacher telling me I wasn't coordinated (thanks Mrs. Smith). But it does make more sense that happiness is a state of being rather than an endless pursuit. It is something you know instead of a destination on a map.

Obviously, I have no answers only thought, and that is what looking inward is all about for me. If you have any thoughts or input please add it to my blog or Facebook. May you experience happiness today. I am going to the Brewfest to contemplate.


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Connection

Over the last few days I have been asking the question, "What is most important to me?" There are lots of things that come to mind, family, health, a good job, friends, being productive, making a difference, to name a few. But as I kept wrestling with that question, I found myself slowly zeroing in on the answer.

This morning I got a phone call from Darla, out at Gonzaga where she is working on her Doctorate. She is only gone two nights at a time (I know some of you say no big deal, as you travel more than that), but her call put a huge smile on my face and set the tone for the entire day. As I got to work, my first meeting was with my department heads. Today was up beat and there was a real sense of team as we talked through issues of life and the tasks for the day. At 1:30 pm, I headed out for a late lunch, and met up with a friend I hadn't seen in 18 years (thank you LinkIn for the reconnect). As we talked about our journey's and our families, I couldn't help but think about the good times of days past. Tonight as I jumped in the care I got a call from Gray (my youngest), he wondered what my plans were, and if I wanted to go out to dinner with Evan and him (yes, I paid but that's beside the point). In addition there were phone calls, conversations, and invitations. As I looked at all these things, I realized that what I desire and value most, is CONNECTION. Connection is why I blog, why I Facebook, why I call my family, and what motivates me to do what I do. For me, to not be connected to others would be my definition of death. Connection is what I live for.

As I think of people I admire, and those I don't, those who are happy and those who aren't, in my thinking it always has to do with connection. I'm not sure if others feel the same, but as I take a deep look inward this is what is true of me. As I keep moving forward in life, the extent of my happiness will not be due to how much I have, or what I make, it has been and will always be based on how connected I feel to others and the world around me. Let's get together soon.


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