Procrastination - Is it a flaw? I don't think so.

Not sure what I was thinking. I have put it off as long as I possibly can. I feel the walls pressing in. The calendar is a constant reminder that I have let things slip, and now I am slowly going into panic mode. A year ago I was in the same place, and I swore I would not let it happen again, and yet, it has happened. In college I needed the due date to motivate me to write the paper or start studying for the test. So I have my due date. I am staring December 25th right in the eye. A year ago I had to leave work early on the 24th to find that one last present. I swear the clerk at the mall remembered me from the year before. And here I am again.

So what is it about me that is putting it off to the last minute. I truly am not motivated for Christmas. As a family we have tried to step away from commercialism. But Christmas is not the only area in my life this happens in. The garage door spring has been sprung for over a year and I have not called to get someone in to fix it. I drained the hot tub last week. I still have not refilled it. I need to go grocery shopping but do not want to make a list. The oil in the car needs changing, and on and on and on it goes. Part of me says, "I have had to be responsible for my things and others long enough, I am done." I would rather downsize then be fixing things, replacing things, spending on things. This is a chronic issue for me.

I put off losing weight, I had to put all my bills on bill payer or I would not have gotten them paid. At the core, I long for something different. I have people calling on me all week long, I want a place that does not require anything of me. I want to shut down for a while. I am not sure if it is a wrong thing to feel this way. The reality is this is who I am. I can put things in place that allow me to function and get what I need, despite this part of my character, or I can change. I have the choice to paint my house or pay someone else to do it. I can grocery shop or eat out. Once again it comes down to being ok with myself. Are you ok with you? Keep on Battling.