Procrastination - Is it a flaw? I don't think so.

Not sure what I was thinking. I have put it off as long as I possibly can. I feel the walls pressing in. The calendar is a constant reminder that I have let things slip, and now I am slowly going into panic mode. A year ago I was in the same place, and I swore I would not let it happen again, and yet, it has happened. In college I needed the due date to motivate me to write the paper or start studying for the test. So I have my due date. I am staring December 25th right in the eye. A year ago I had to leave work early on the 24th to find that one last present. I swear the clerk at the mall remembered me from the year before. And here I am again.

So what is it about me that is putting it off to the last minute. I truly am not motivated for Christmas. As a family we have tried to step away from commercialism. But Christmas is not the only area in my life this happens in. The garage door spring has been sprung for over a year and I have not called to get someone in to fix it. I drained the hot tub last week. I still have not refilled it. I need to go grocery shopping but do not want to make a list. The oil in the car needs changing, and on and on and on it goes. Part of me says, "I have had to be responsible for my things and others long enough, I am done." I would rather downsize then be fixing things, replacing things, spending on things. This is a chronic issue for me.

I put off losing weight, I had to put all my bills on bill payer or I would not have gotten them paid. At the core, I long for something different. I have people calling on me all week long, I want a place that does not require anything of me. I want to shut down for a while. I am not sure if it is a wrong thing to feel this way. The reality is this is who I am. I can put things in place that allow me to function and get what I need, despite this part of my character, or I can change. I have the choice to paint my house or pay someone else to do it. I can grocery shop or eat out. Once again it comes down to being ok with myself. Are you ok with you? Keep on Battling.

How do you Determine Self Worth?

I've been looking at the way I view life, process my situation, and try to make sense out of my circumstances. A long time ago I adopted a philosophy that simple stated, "There will always be someone smarter, faster, stronger, better looking, making more money, with a better title, a bigger office, than me. If that is what I pursue, then I will always be disappointed." It is a way of thinking that has always served me well. That is, until I realized that I was using it as an excuse, a way to cop out on ever reaching any goal of any kind. After all, there will always be someone else who is...

The more I take a Deeper Look Inward, I find that this way of thinking really gets at the heart of how I determine my value to, and in, the world. My self worth and self esteem flow from this. Thankfully I am very good at what I do, and those over me reward me in a variety of ways. But should their praise or what they pay me be the means by which I define myself? Should my comparison with others, who will always be smarter, faster, more successful, etc... be the means by which I determine how I feel about me? This is the thinking I am challenged with today as I take a Deeper Look Inward.

I don't have answers at this point, only more questions. But, I would love to dialog with others who are walking down the same line of thinking. Leave a comment here to continue this conversation.

Oregon Ducks vs. Oregon State Beavers - Is it Selfish

Over the last few weeks I have been wrestling with the concept of selfishness versus self care.  I grew up being taught that it was wrong to be selfish, in fact it was sinful to be selfish.  I believed you should always put the needs of others ahead of your own.  This was the right and noble thing to do.  Problem is this philosophy often left me feeling frustrated, walked on, angry and bitter.  In the end, putting others needs ahead of my own would lead me to resent those I thought I was putting first.  Over the last few weeks I have been looking at the idea of not always discounting my needs and wants.  Being able to meet my needs isn't always bad.  In fact, many would call this self care.  As I have explored this theme I have been asking myself, "What did I used to do, enjoy, participate in?  Where did I use to go or spend time?"  I started to look at what I have maybe given up which was important to me, in order to put others first.  One of those areas was football.  Is football wrong.  Is it wrong to enjoy it.  Is it wrong for me to watch it when others want to do something else.  Well last Saturday I practiced some self care and headed to Corvallis for the Civil War Game.  University of Oregon Ducks versus the Oregon State Beavers.  This is what self care looks like for me.

How the Oregon Ducks Versus Oregon State Beavers is Helping me Grow Up

For the last few years I have been working on me.  By that I mean that I have spent years thinking that putting others first, being sacrificial, dying to self, was what the good guy always does. I have worked hard to make sure my wife and kids have had their needs met.  I have a hard time buying what I need.  After a few years of meeting with a councilor, I have started to figure out that taking care of myself is not selfish, it is actually self care.

So how do the Oregon Ducks fit into it?  They are a part of my self care program.  Doing what I enjoy has taken me to the Ducks vs Stanford, the Ducks vs UCLA, and tomorrow it will take me to the Ducks vs Beavers.  Normally I would feel guilty about leaving my wife and kids at home, but I am growing.  I would feel the need to take them, but I am going with friends.  What makes my becoming a little more health more fun, is that the Ducks are playing awesome football.  What other team scores three touchdowns in 5 minutes.  Who else has a shot at the national championship.  My personal development could not have come at a better time.

Tomorrow I will be on my way to Corvallis at 7 am.  Kick off is a 12:30.  I will be dressed in Green, cheering loudly, and quacking when excited.  Its a big day. Games don't get a whole lot bigger than the Civil War Game. What makes it even sweeter is that I didn't have a ticket this time yesterday.  As I have worked on my self it has led to my making friends (another part I am working on).  And now, one of those friends has invited me to the game. The Ducks are helping me to grow up, and the Beaver game just helps me see it.  This is the part of the battle I like.  May your team win tomorrow.

Job Evaluations

It's that time of year again. A time when someone is going to take a look at my performance and determine if I have been a successful employee or not.  All year long I evaluate my employees based on whether or not they are meeting set standards, moving us towards our mission statement, and living out the company values.  It is one thing when I evaluate others, but when it comes to me #%^%@!.  So as I head towards this time, I find myself trying to justify what I have done this year by looking at how much money I have generated for the company, by looking at my facilities compliance record, going over our turn over reports, etc...  But isn't a persons worth to a company more than numbers.  Isn't there more to success than customer satisfaction surveys.  Is the impact you make on others ever a factor?

So, what is an evaluation about anyway.  For the employee we are hoping to hear good things about ourselves, followed by a raise or promotion of some type.  We want our year of service to be valued by our employer in a tangible way.  Sure we want nice things to go into our file, but what we really want is money, green backs, franklin's. We want more than a cost of living increase, we want something substantial.  As an employer we want to align the employee to the coming years direction.  We want more work in the same amount of time.  We hope we don't have to pay any more for it. We want unquestioning loyalty, and exceptional work ethic, and a stellar attendance record.  No wonder there is more disappointment after an evaluation than any other time. 

So how can i approach my evaluation this week in a different way. I want to be in the drivers seat and lead the meeting, rather than have it happen to me. I would like to make a proposal for a change in position, or a way to financially incentivize me to higher performance.  I really want to be invited to the inner circle of ownership, but would settle for something that felt like a promotion, or moving ahead.  At the least I hope to walk away from the time with a better understanding of what I do well, and what I need to work on, a sense that I am valuable to my employer, and that they are thinking of my future as well as their own. I hope they realize that my evaluation matters to me, and as I am honest with myself, it does matter, it is important.  My your evaluation be all that you want it to be.

I've Become an Oregon Duck Fan

I can't help it.  I tried to resist for as long as I could.  I didn't grow up in Oregon, I didn't go to school here.  Instead I went to a small school in Minnesota.  When we first moved here back in 1998, I thought everyone was nuts.  Fridays people were either in Green or Orange.  Emails were finished with "Go Ducks."  Flags hung outside of houses on game day.  I just didn't get it.  Then I was invited to head to Eugene on a Saturday.  The sea of green, helped by the endless flow of beer, the loud crowd, and an exciting quick scoring team slowly started drawing me in.  It didn't hurt that the beat Stanford.  Two weeks later I found myself in green.  I was shouting a yelling with the rest of them as UCLA, was sent sadly back to Los Angeles.  As I have started to quack, I feel myself experiance feeling I thought had left me.  I am recapturing a part of me that I had suppressed.  I am yelling at the tv, learning the names of players and coaches, and looking forward to a national championship.  I will be in Green on Friday.  I can't help it.  I have become an Oregon Duck Fan.  I think I'll send one of my kids there next year so I have an excuse to drive down during the fall.

Slowing Down to Be Me

Last weekend I was in Camas WA. with a bunch of friends.  We found ourselves sitting around a few tables drinking beer, eating pizza and enjoying each others company.  While the beer and pizza were awesome, the conversation was even better.  We talked about life, how to be authentic, and discussed when in life were we most truly ourselves.  As we told our stories, I was stuck by the common them, that for most of us it occurred when life was moving at a slower pace, when we were not being pressed by others to be what we were not.  For some it was a time of less responsibilities so there was more freedom to do and be.

I continued to think a great deal about the conversation this last week while at work.  Pressed by timelines, projects, and important decision, I found myself in a place where I was unable to slow down enough to make sure I was being true to myself.  As a result patience  ran short, I could feel the internal pressure.  I was unable to be and respond to others in the way I most wanted to.  As a result, I am asking as I look inward, how can I do this coming week better?  How can I slow life down enough to live it the way I desire to and not get caught in the trap of becoming what I am forced to become.  As you can see I have a ways to go on my Deep Look Inward, but each day I figure me out a little more.  Here are a few pictures from Camas that capture a slower, simpler, side of life

Thinking at the Beach

I find myself sitting at the beach once again.  In Oregon that usually means through on a rain jacket instead of a swimming suit, lighting a fire in the fire place, rather than a beach fire, and snuggling up with a book instead of tanning under the sun.  Interestingly, I find that I enjoy the typical Oregon beach trip more than I did the beach in California.  In Oregon I find myself slowing down and thinking about life.  I check in with myself regarding how I am doing, how I am feeling, where I am at.  Sometimes I like the answers, other times it is a starting point, a place to leap off from, a change in direction.  I continue to ask the question am I doing what I am uniquely designed to do?  The question assumes that we were uniquely designed to do something, and that we know what that thing we were designed to do is.  I find the second have of that assumption to be difficult.  How do I know what I was designed for.?  Is there a manual on Rick Samuelson?  Is there a Yellow Brick Road I should be following.  My guess is that if I am doing what I was designed for, I will be enjoying it, I will be energized by doing it, I will find myself wanting to get back to it when I am not doing it.  I am not sure if doing what I designed for always has to be my job.  It could be my hobby, or what I invest the majority of my time and thought to.  Bonus if it is your job and you are being paid to live out your purpose.  As I look out the window and see the wind blow and the rain fall, I know I have not answered the question what am I designed for, but it is what I will endeavor to discover, for in that answer is the key to my next steps in life and the unfolding of the direction I will head in.  I am passionate about being fully who I am suppose to be.  I just hope I will like the answer.  I love Oregon beach days and the chance to contemplate.  May you find your beach as well.  Until you do enjoy a few of my recent beach pictures. 

How can I Make a Million

It was a rough day, a rough week, a rough year.  I found myself thinking, "Why am I knocking myself out?" I'm sure that driving by a Lottery Billboard this morning didn't help, Powerball and Mega Bucks are starting to get up there again.  Sure that 115 million is only 30 million after taxes when you take it in a lump sum, but I think I could figure out how to live for a few years on that.  Cruising the internet, there are hundreds of promises that I can be my own boss, find financial success, and have my dreams come true if I just buy an online course and start my own web business.  So why do I go in everyday and beat my head against the wall.  Who wouldn't jump at the chance to take a vacation every other week, to work in my underwear, or have a business that runs itself.  I just don't think it could be that easy.  Then again, there are people doing it.  What do they know that I don't know.  I do a great job running the business that I am overseeing, but its not my business.

So I need to generate a few ideas.  What do I do really well?  I do a good job sleeping.  I can flip through channels on the tv.  I've been told I really know how to make a mess.  Not sure these are niche markets I can capitalize on.  I am a great day dreamer.  I know how to order at Starbucks.  I enjoy free tickets to Ducks Football Games.  Might be able to write and sell an ebook on those.  Bottom line is I don't believe the things I am into interest many others.  On the other hand I really haven't done much to see if I am right or wrong on that.  Since making a million is no small venture, I will give it some time.  However, if you have a get rich quick idea, let me know.  I am looking to make a million soon.

Carbon Foot Print and a Sustainable Life

Not sure what is happening to me.  If you drive by our house at any given time you will find seven cars almost all belonging to us.  Three of them are big four wheel drives and the other three are older little cars.  We definitely add to the global warming crisis the world is facing.  We have been known to buy things packaged in plastic with a half life of a billion plus years, by chickens that have been pumped with hormones, and we on occasion have sprayed pesticides on our plants to kill the bugs.  When it is hot we run our AC.  Our house has not been know to champion the cause of sustainability or living green.  That is until recently.

One of the downsides to having kids in college is they are being challenged to think differently.  That would be fine if they all lived in the dorm and didn't bring their idealism home with them.  Our problem is they live at home and for me, there is no escaping their thinking.  This summer we had a garden.  We have argued over buying organic eggs, range free chicken, or beef that ate real grass in a farm nearby.  To me a cow is a cow is a cow.  I couldn't be more wrong.  We are composting, recycling, and trying to by only what we absolutely will eat.  it is rumored that some that live here don't shower every day.  My life is slowly being changed.  Interestingly, I find myself being caught up in it.  Their is some real truth to what they are saying.  Not sure that I like that I have to be impacted by it.  I have been managing it well.  That is until this last week.  My car is no longer running.  It seems to need a $800 fuel pump.  The car is not worth that much anymore..  First thought is that I know have a reason to go and by that BMW I have always wanted.  But living a sustainable life means considering the reduction of cars and driving.  Do Darla and I really need two cars, can we figure out the bus and walking and ride sharing.  I have to ask will it really make much of a difference.  Then I ask, why didn't I insist that the kids live in the dorms.  Looks like we are going to be experimenting with reducing our Carbon Foot Print.  Wanted to make sure I invited each of you to join us.  If you need to I have room in my driveway for one more car.

Feelings of Turmoil

Its getting late.  The boys are up playing video games, Darla is studying hard in the dinning room, and I am sitting on the couch contemplating going to bed.  Life seems to take interesting turns.  One day things are cruising along smooth, and the next it feels like a five car pile up on the interstate. I am in one of those pile ups right now. Without going into detail I find myself in this place from time to time because I am afraid to state what I need or want.  I back off from saying what I know needs to be said. Instead of taking the lead I take the back seat. To step up is uncomfortable for me at times.  It creates pain and tension in peoples lives.  To not step up creates pain and tension in my life.  I don't always get why I put my own well being on the shelf to make others feel good.  However, at this time I can't ignore it.  To much is on the line and I find I have to stand in the gap for what I know is right and best.  I hate the feeling.  I know what I have to do, what needs to be done.  It just takes me a while to do it.  I'm not as bad off as it sounds, my $90 an hour best friend help me with my processing last night.  Lucky for him, he isn't the one who has to act.  I do.  So tonight I sit here and contemplate how to move forward, how to stand firm.  Only by looking inward can I figure out how to move forward.  It is great fun

On Parade

I week ago I took time out from work, grabbed a few of my employees, a few residents where I work, and a few of their family members and Marched in our local home coming parade.  For a moment I was transported back to my high school days with the band playing, floats, and plenty of people cheering along the route.  Here are a few quick pictures from the day

A Few More Pictures

Live has been moving at increasing speed these days. Work, family, friends, have all been pulling on me.  I have lead my facility through another successful survey, watched a few friends get married, waved as my three youngest all went off to college at George Fox, and am spending occasional weekends bacheloring it as Darla begins her doctorate.

In the midst of it all I try to keep my sanity by slowing down to look at what is going on around me, to see what I so easily miss. Taking a few pictures around Portland, at home, or were ever I find myself is the easiest way to do that. I’ve been playing with light, shadows, and color.  Using a tripod at times and trying to play with longer shutter speeds.  Let me know what you think by leaving a comment

 

End of Summer Road Trip

Summer has raced quickly by once again.  Way back, I promised Gray I would take him to visit a few colleges.  I told him to wait until after my State Inspections came through our facility.  As luck would have it, they waited until the end of summer to come and visit.  So in typical Samuelson fashion, Gray and I made a last minute dash down to San Francisco. We thought we would hit UC Berkley, UC Santa Cruz, UofO and maybe OSU.  We would definitely hit In-n-Out as many times as possible, find a skate park or two, and hit the beach.  And if we had time to ride a carnival ride, the kind that makes you laugh and cry until you think you might lose your Denny’s Grand Slam breakfast, then so be it. To be honest visiting schools was just an excuse for me to spend some time hanging out with Gray.  It has been awhile, and there is nothing like sharing a Blazer for four days to force a little father/son connection. So Wednesday night we packed our bags and headed south.  We discovered that after having been to San Fran a few times, there isn’t much new to do.  Drive to the Warf, head through China town, sit in a bunch of traffic, and you have basically done it.  We loved Berkley, I loved Santa Cruz, we drove around one of my childhood places, San Jose.  It was lots of fun, and Gray got to skate.  Here are a few pics and videos from the time.  I had a blast, you’ll have to ask Gray what he thought.

 

Taste of Soccer – Portland Style

He told us he was going to be playing soccer.  I don’t think we thought much of it.  He was going to be playing in a 3 on 3 tournament downtown Portland.  We had watched him play in these a hundred times before (no exaggeration). Evan along with Brian, Jarad, and Granite.  Only one of them was playing on a team anymore.  I know two of the four were out of shape. No way were they going to play that well.  The real intrigue to me was that they were going to be playing in Pioneer Square, on brick. Not your best soccer surface.  So I was surprised when Evan started calling saying they were winning, than another call saying they were advancing. Finally the call that they might make the semi finals.  So we decided to end the family dinner early and make a mad dash for downtown.  We got there just as the semi finals started and watched the team win.  While all the other teams had uniforms, Evan and buddies had tie=dye shirts.  They looked like a bunch of good friends getting together for a pick up game, but some how they made it to the semi’s and then the finals.  We watched and

cheered, but they came up a game short.  At the end, after catching their breath, they were all smiles, I don’t think they really thought they would get that far.  Made for a great night.

 

 

 

After 27 years are we there yet?

It wasn’t that far of a drive, only from San Clemente to Garden Grove.  Back in those days probably not more than a 1/2 hour or 45 minutes.  It was the road between our house and Grandma and Grandpa’s.  But back than it seemed to take forever.  In unison my brother and I would yell from the back seat, “Are we there yet?”  I am sure to my mom and dad it seemed like we would keep saying it repeatedly from the moment we got into the car until we finally hit the driveway of Gram and Gramps.  As time has marched on, trips to Colorado, drives to Seattle, flights to Japan, all found my kids asking, chanting, yelling, crying, the same phrase, over and over and over again.  “Are we there yet?”

Last night Darla and I went out to celebrate our 27th anniversary.  Twenty Seven years of living with, changing with, growing with, learning with, , loving with,  fighting with, working with, each other.  As we talked about the past, and we talked about today, and we talked about the things we wished for and wanted to work towards, I found myself saying, “Are we there yet?”  After 27 years, you would think that we should have arrived.  Darla gave me a card last night that in a funny way poked fun at how much work our marriage has taken (and I am sure every marriage as well).  You would think with all the work we have put in we would have perfected the art of marriage by now.  But it appears we may have at least 27 more years of work ahead of us.

I have to say that on this trip called Darla and Rick, there have been many amazing stops along the way.  There have been a few detours and flat tires.  We have changed the route more than once, but not the destination.  It has definitely been an adventure.  As we talked over dinner I asked if Darla wanted to sign up for 27 more years, neither of us were sure we could commit that long, but we did both sign up for another year with an option for more after that, if we still like each other.

Guess I’ll keep yelling from the back seat as we go along, “Are we there yet?”  Here is to hoping we all arrive someday. Love you Darla  

An Attempt at Art from the Beach

Last week found be at one of my favorite places, Cape Kiwanda on the Northern Oregon Coast.  These are a few of the captures I was able to come home with.Yoga high above the water

Raging OceanNot the sandy shoreBackside of the DuneThe lifting of the fogLow Tide at DawnEvening Kite Fly

Morning at the Beach- and a few pictures

Coffee pot creating an awesome aroma across the  room, water running in the bathroom as teeth get brushed, groggy hoarse voices complaining about the noise waking them up, the kite flyers heading to the beach, and the runners planning which direction to head out.  These are the sounds of morning.  As I woke up this morning the fog was thick outside the window, seagulls were flying  somewhere near by, and a cool breeze was coming through the window. As a smile slowly crossed my face I found myself thinking, I’m not in Portland.  I’m not very far from Portland, maybe only 90 miles or so, still within cell phone range, but I might as well be on another continent. I am away, I am on vacation, I am not doing the normal routine.  I will not be mowing the lawn today, or cleaning the bathroom, or going grocery shopping.  I will be lazy, maybe go take a few pictures, probably drink a beer or two or ……., and definitely laugh, smile and enjoy.  This is the beach. And the first thought crossing my mind is why am I spending time on this computer blogging/ Good question, enjoy your day.