Feelings of Turmoil

Its getting late.  The boys are up playing video games, Darla is studying hard in the dinning room, and I am sitting on the couch contemplating going to bed.  Life seems to take interesting turns.  One day things are cruising along smooth, and the next it feels like a five car pile up on the interstate. I am in one of those pile ups right now. Without going into detail I find myself in this place from time to time because I am afraid to state what I need or want.  I back off from saying what I know needs to be said. Instead of taking the lead I take the back seat. To step up is uncomfortable for me at times.  It creates pain and tension in peoples lives.  To not step up creates pain and tension in my life.  I don't always get why I put my own well being on the shelf to make others feel good.  However, at this time I can't ignore it.  To much is on the line and I find I have to stand in the gap for what I know is right and best.  I hate the feeling.  I know what I have to do, what needs to be done.  It just takes me a while to do it.  I'm not as bad off as it sounds, my $90 an hour best friend help me with my processing last night.  Lucky for him, he isn't the one who has to act.  I do.  So tonight I sit here and contemplate how to move forward, how to stand firm.  Only by looking inward can I figure out how to move forward.  It is great fun