At This Moment In Time

I find myself once again on my back deck.  Derek and Evan are playing guitar, getting ready to play at a coffee house tomorrow night.  When they play I experience the joy and pain of their lyrics knowing that I have lived, or watched them live,much of their words with them.  As I listen I find that at this moment in time I am content.

As I listen to them I am also reflecting on my last week at work. There have been times recently I have wondered if I can really turn the facility I am in around.  I have wondered if I can lead.  I know my goals and expectations for myself are high, but I also know that those who entrust their loved ones to me deserve nothing less. This last week we were involved in our annual state regulatory survey, our report card and an outside look at all of our systems, delivery systems, and ultimately the care we give. Yesterday we found that out of 500 regulations that we are evaluated on in 15 areas, we cleared 498 of the regulations and 14 areas.  This places us among the top skilled and long term care facilities in Oregon. Many of my concerns about my own abilities have been answered.  As I reflect I find that at this moment in time I am content.

My mind wanders back over the last year of family and marriage. I recognize that we have been through a great deal of pain and hurt, confusion, questioning, growing, and figuring life out.  After 26 years we should be experts but instead we find we have many more questions that need answering.  We also have had much laughing, connecting in new ways, and times of standing strong together. As my mind wanders I find that at this moment in time I am content.

Sure the house needs painting, our car has been at the mechanics for two weeks with a blown engine, my neighbor wants us to cut down our favorite tree because of needles, Derek is getting married in a month and a half, and Katee graduates in two weeks. There is much I need to work on in my personal and professional life, and in my marriage, but at this moment in time I am content.

So for the next few moments, or maybe a little longer, I am going to sit here on my back deck and enjoy the fact that in the midst of a life filled with constant pressure, continual change, a future that can’t be read, I am content.  I hope those that read this can find those moments of contentment in the midst of all they face as well.

Connection in a Cyber World

Twitter, Facebook, Google Groups, Blogging., Skype.  Am I really becoming more connected.? I have friends followers, and I am a member.  I tweet, update, discuss, post and chat.  My world is ever expanding. But am I really more connected?  I have sat in the house on a sunny day checking to see what is happening in my on-line world, but am i somehow missing what is going on in the outdoor world.  Which world is real?  I can get lost in cyberland, or go downtown and get lost in Portland.  I can go hear music live or just listen in on Pandora. I don’t have to go out to shop I can just order online and have it show up. But again I ask am I really more connected.  I now get quick updates from my kids through text messaging, sometimes 10 or fifteen times a day.  I know where they are and what they are up to.  But it has been awhile since we hugged or touched in anyway.

For all that the new world has brought, it has not brought increased face to face connection.  What I long for and most enjoy is face to face time.  Connecting personally not cyberlly.  I need to figure out how to merge and mesh these two worlds that are colliding in such a way as to meet the many needs I have beyond the sharing of information.  And by the way, sharing of information is not my definition of connection.  Somehow I must learn to embrace and fight the changes at the same time.  To make it work for me. Saying I love you in a text message is not the same as saying it while in the midst of a hug.  LOL is not nearly as much fun as laughing out loud where others can hear you.  Typing to someone you care about is not the same as holding their hand. I would much rather do something with you, than to have you learn about it through my tweeting or updating.  Yet at the same time, there is a sense of connection that happens knowing that others know what I am up to. So yes, I am a little more connected. Maybe not in the ways I most want, but others do know what is happening in my life, to the extent I let them in. Thanks for connecting with me.

The Backyard

The wind is gently moving the leaves in the trees. The sound of a woodpecker knocking away on an unfortunate tree somewhere close by. Birds swooping down to the fountain to grab a quick drink.

Sitting in my backyard, enjoying all the sights and sounds can take me away from the stressful, frantic, life I live most days. My backyard is safe, free of pressure and demands. Plants grow as they desire, the squirrels play when they want, the bees fly into the flowers stay awhile and then move to the next. Why do we have to live so differently? I feel I can breathe in my backyard, I can dream, I can nap, I can slow down enough to feel my own heart beat and to listen to my own thoughts. It is no wonder that I dread the end of the Fall as we put the deck furniture away. I know why I get excited as Spring approaches and we start using the BBQ. It has to do with a state of mind that I find myself falling into on my back deck. Mornings I find myself drinking coffee listening to the wind. At night I am back outside listening to frogs and crickets. It is music that touches me deep down inside. It moves me in ways that Dave Mathews, the Foo Fighters, and Led Zepplin, cannot. I find I am a much better person after being in my backyard.

All of my senses come alive out back. I feel the wind on my toes, the sun warms my face, and the occasional needles from the tree fall on my arms. I hear the lawnmowers in the distance, the pinecones hitting the cover of the hot tub, the birds and squirrels chasing each other in the trees. I see the clouds slowly moving through the sky and the many, many, many shades of green that surround me. I smell the lilacs and mint, the fresh cut grass and the BBQs of my neighbors.

I am somehow a better person on my deck, a different person, the one who I would chose to be all of the time if I could. Out here I am free to just be. This is real life.

The Changing Tide

I am sitting in a tiny two room cottage, looking out over the ocean. The clouds are quickly moving across the sky, letting loose their rain across the sand. The waves are gray in color with white tops. There is no rhythm to the ocean today, just storm tossed waves coming across the horizon. The beach is littered with logs, shells, rocks, and various types of debris. On the table near the window is a tide chart, telling us when the tide will be in, and when it will be out. Tides are important to the casual sea shell gatherer, so we know when we are likely to find those rare finds brought in by the waves, and left behind as the tide pulls back to reveal what is hidden beneath.

In our home there is a changing tide. Darla has finished her masters degree. The tide of her hard work is starting to recede. It will be interesting to see what is revealed over time. Are there new opportunities that were before unrealized? Are there routines that were put in place during her absence that will now have to go to make room for her? And, how long until the tide returns? There is no tide chart for our family even though we know the tide will continue to change with time.

The one thing that the ocean teaches you is that as surely as the tide goes out, it will come back in. Sometimes there will be a rhythm and sometimes not. Sometimes it will be gray water and other times crystal blue. The goal is to find a way to enjoy it in all of its many facets, to see the adventure in each change, to not take for granted one moment, but to savor every little aspect. Just like life, just like our family.

Written at the beach on 5/6/09

Missteps in Life

As I started my day today, I found myself craving an Americano. There is something about the smell of espresso floating through the house, the first sip brining your taste buds to life, and the world slowly comes back into focus. Anticipating all of this I went to the fridge for the milk that would soften the bitterness of the espresso (I know, how can I truly appreciate the flavor and aroma if I dilute the pure coco bean with milk). I found the shelf for the milk empty and quickly tried to determine who would receive my wrath for not going to the fridge in the garage to get a new gallon. Retrieving my milk, I headed back up the stairs. While my toes made it to the step, my foot did not. I soon found myself, nose first, hitting the sixth step. My shins found the third step in a rather painful way, and various other parts of my body greeted steps four and five. I laid their thinking , “this is a fine way to start what could have been a great day.” Fortunately the milk was saved, and the Americano soon had me forgetting the misstep.

Finishing my coffee and reading my email, I suffered another misstep. While I didn’t fall, slip or trip physically, I did all of these things relationally and emotionally. I was asked to join someone in an activity of importance to them. It was in an area that we had previously negotiated and worked through. However, some time has passed, things had changed, and I found myself feeling stuck in the middle. I wrestled with, “Why wouldn’t they honor our previous thinking?, Hasn’t it been the earlier discussion that has allowed us to function in a healthy way, why would we want to move back to the old way?” I answered with a laugh, and an answer that was not thought through – a misstep. How do I honor my friend and myself at the same time? I was told, “I was asking you as a friend, I was hoping you would want to do it.” My thoughts were, “if you were treating me as a friend you would have thought about the early negotiations.” I really am not good at this stuff, the thinking quick, the being able to hold my ground and say yes to the things I “want” to say yes to, and no to the things I don’t. Instead I waffle and give non answers leaving others stuck with trying to interpret what I am really trying to say. I hate being so conflicted between people pleasing and doing what I need to do for me.

So my misstep has created conflict, frustration, made someone important to me furious. I am not sure how much of it has to do with me not responding like I used to, or me responding in a wrong way. All I know for sure is I would much rather misstep and hit the sixth step with my face, than misstep and hurt the people important to me. Either way, having a misstep hurts. Than again, life is full of missteps. It is how you work through and learn from them that is important. Do we grow and change, or do we get stuck and stay where we are. I am currently all about growth. I just hate that I keep hitting my shins over and over again.